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[ |
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{ |
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"text": "When I finally found a supply of weed after a four-year (!) dry spell, I had problems for a while with side-effects. \nWe're talking paranoia. \n\nI could only smoke as far away from people as possible. \n\nIt got so bad that I took to driving deep into the country to find little dirt roads that nobody used. \n\nParked in the wilderness one day, I finished a couple bowls of kindweed, washed down with a couple beers, and continued down the road. \n\nAfter a few yards, I ran into a spot of deep mud -- looked dicey. \n\nI pulled a U-turn, but got stuck. \n\nI was gently easing the car back and forward when I happened to glance back up the road. \n\nA State trooper was about 200 yards away, approaching fast. \n\nBetween the empty bottles and the giveaway fug, I was a dead man. \n\nI willed the car out of the mud in a blind panic, and headed towards the trooper, my open windows billowing smoke. \n\nWe waved at each other as we went past, and I drove home with my eyes riveted on the rear-view mirror. \n\nThat was the bad news -- the good news is that the incident cured my paranoia permanently.\n\n\nage does not diminish the sheer disappointment of the ice cream scoop falling off the cone to the ground. \n\n\nI was vacationing in Cape Hatteras, NC when I noticed this billboard for a local restaurant named Dirty Dicks. \nIt's logo was \"I got my crabs from dirty dicks.\" \n\nNow that's quality marketing! \n", |
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"from": "prodrigues25@yahoo.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "Two guys are sitting in a recovery room waiting for the dizziness to wear off after giving blood. The nurse comes in and hands both guys some magazines to read while they are waiting... \nSuddenly, the guy on the left falls to the floor. He is passed out. The other guy in the room is panics and starts at the door to get the nurse when he notices something... \n\n*Remember, they gave blood* \n\nCrumpled on the ground was the magazine that the nurse gave the passed out guy. It was the Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition. \n\nWith the lack of blood in his body, Passed Out Guy got a boner. With not enough blood to run both his dick and his head, the blood had to go somewhere. Thus, Passed Out Guy is passed out. \n\nKind a cruel joke when you don't have enough blood in your body to run the two most important parts of your anatomy..... \n", |
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"from": "groovygirl169@hotmail.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "The first time he played scrabble since coming to the US, Randy Moon thought he'd found a helluva word. The girls cried; my sister almost pee-d. \"Pennies\"? He said. Whats wrong with that? Why are you laughing. \n\nYou spelled penis, Randy. \n\nBetween my gate and my front door I’ve been finding a lot of stuff lately: dozens of loose political flyers dropped in a panic; a pile of “The Watchtower” spilled in a mad rush to exit; even a necktie. \n\nThe sign on the gate says “Beware of Dog”, folks. Its there for a reason. \n", |
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"from": "vice@mightywombat.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "one boyfriend had, at most, a 4\" dick. he made me cum every time we fucked, some of the best sex i ever had. \n\nanother boyfriend was 8-1/2\", also made me cum every time, also some of the best sex. \n\nlast guy i fucked was only 6\" long, but almost 2\" thick - goddamn, that was some good fucking! he pounded me from behind as if it were the last time he'd ever use his dick for anything other than pissing. \n\nand there was a friend who was just average length, average thickness - yet he could pound the orgasms outta me at an alarming rate... and the anal sex wasn't bad either. \n\nthe lesson here? it's either: \n\n1) every guy will please some woman at some point, no matter how big, small, thick or skinny his dick is. yes, size can make a difference, but it's also how you work it. \n\nor \n\n2) goddamn, i'm a slut. \n", |
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"from": "lomaran@imabadlittlegirl.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "My cousins are coming over tonight, and the little fuckers have no respect for the sanctity of the room of a 21 year old guy, I swear. Since I'm going out, I have to rearrange some stuff in my room, ie, hide my drugs, bong, alcohol, and porno. Drugs, Bong, and Alcohol, no problem, they're coming with me, and not coming back home, 'cept the bong. The porno was a problem. I clear out my t-shirt drawer, put all my porno mags and movies in there, and put my shirts over it. I barely have enough shirts to totally cover my porno stash. I think I masturbate too much. \n", |
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"from": "stan@moderatelyevil.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "Just finished moving and there's only three things in the house to eat -2 cans of sardines, half a bag english muffins, and a nearly depleted bottle of horseradish. \nLucky for me they made a lovely sandwich. \n\n", |
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"from": "snikrepkire@hotmail.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "So me and my 2 buddies head down to Austin, TX for the New Years. (Like there is anything better to do in Oklahoma.) And we walk around the main downtown area for a while, and there are these sutpid Jesus-Freaks with thier stupid fliers on every corner for about 6 blocks. These sheep even have thier kids out there handing out these things that say stuff like: \n\n\"Believe in Jesus or Burn in eternal Hellfire.\" \n\nEveryone downtown got annoyed with it rather quickly. \n\nSo as my buddy walks by one of the little kids handing out fliers (probably about 7-8 years old) the little kid says: \n\n[Offers Flier]\"Believe in Jesus\" \n\nMy buddies response: \n\n\"Santa Claus isn't real.\" \n\nIts great to give a little back.\n\n\n\nSomebody posted a moment questioning the truth of other people's moments. \n\nThe way I see it, it's like the female orgasm. You hope it's real, but there's always going to be that nagging bit of doubt. \n\nYou just gotta learn to live with it. \n", |
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"from": "Proplapse@nowhere.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "My friend wouldn't get out of the bathroom. He was reading a magazine and refused to leave. I had to shit like mad. So, I shit on a big white platter and pissed in a tall quart-sized glass \"kool aid\" jug. \n\nWhen he came out, I had it sitting on his computer desk with a knife, fork and napkin for him. \n\n\"Dinner's ready!\" I shouted from the other room. \n", |
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"from": "jason@evildunn.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "I used to work the night shift, when there were inly three of us in the office, with no boss and no receptionist. There was the main phone number of the company that was on all the business cards and such, but if that line was busy any other calls would be forwarded to one of the other 7 phone lines. Nobody actually knew what these other 7 phone numbers were, so if line 4 started ringing when none of the 3 of us were on the phone, we knew it was a wrong number. And man, did we race each other to be the one to pick up those calls to hassle the shit out of the person on the unsuspecting person on the other end of the line. \nMy personal favorite \n\nMe: Hello? \n\nOld lady sounding voice on the phone: Is Tina there? \n\nMe: (trying to play it straight)Actually she's kinda busy sucking my cock right now. \n\nOld lady: Can you have her call Betty when she's done? \n\nMe: (ready to bust out laughing) Sure thing! \n\nOld lady: Thanks, bye \n\nI don't know who got the better of who in that one. It was no fun after that. \n", |
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"from": "sunrise@lowbrow.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "nine out of ten men who have tried camels prefer women. \n", |
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"from": "bushtwin@therocks.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "A small piece of advice: \n\nIf you haven't had an orgasam in a while, DO NOT masturbate while lying on your back. \n\nYour own semen in your ear can kind of ruin that special moment. \n", |
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"from": "makeyourself@keromail.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "We kept singing You've lost that loving feeling over and over again at the top of our lungs. Every once in a while she would lift her head from the toilet and weakly tell us to leave. \n\nAfter about half an hour 20 or so more people had crowed into the bar's tiny ladies room to help us serenade the girl on the floor. \n", |
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"from": "princess_in@af.hell" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "I used to know Dustin Hoffman. \n\nI really did. Even stayed at his place in Connecticuit with him and his gorgeous wife Lisa. Lisa and I beat him at Monopoly once and he got really pissed. \n\nThat was long ago. \n\nHave you any idea how hard it is to bring that up in a conversation, without sounding like I'm just name-dropping? \n", |
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"from": "limbo@lowbrow.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "The longer its been since I've had sex, the creepier I am. \n", |
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"from": "stuff_master2000@hotmail.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "My family was out of town for the weekend and my girlfiend and I got Funk-Nasty, loud and naked in the basement. We did the doggy style for at least a half an hour in front of my brothers bedroom door. \nWhen we finished we chilled on the couch for a minute, and my brother came out of his room and went upstairs. \n\n:( \n", |
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"from": "kozmit@hotmail.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "16/01/02 \n\nTime: Summer '97 or '98 \n\nPlace: Supermarket Checkout Line \n\nPlayers: Me (a Counselor-In-Training), Chen (a counselor), the checkout person, and an old man standing behind us in line. \n\nIt's Ice Cream Sundae night at camp, and me being a CIT, I have to go with Chen to help him get the stuff. I'm not minding- Chen and I are friends, and it's an excuse to get out of camp for a half-hour. We go through the market getting sprinkles, whipped cream, chocolate syrup, maraschino cherries, etc etc. \n\nWe get to the checkout line and put our bounty on the conveyour belt. I'm looking pretty old for my age of 15 or 16, and Chen was in his early 20's. \n\nI'm *waiting* for someone to comment on our purchases. I'm thinking it's going to be the checkout person. \n\nThe old man behind us says, \n\n\"Gonna have fun tonight, eh, kids? Heh heh heh...\" \n\nMan, Asian men blush fast... \n", |
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"from": "solalunar@aol.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "I waxed my pubes because the immortal \"they\" say it makes your cock look bigger, and I could use all the help I can get. \n\nI learned two things that day: \n\n1) \"They\" are either sadistic liars or have a sense of humor \n\n2) A small dick when shaved doesn't look bigger; it just makes it look like you haven't gone through puberty yet. \n\nMy skin is really soft and smooth, tho.... \n\n\nFat hawaiian-type chick sits in front of me on the bus, and her nasty long bushy ratnest of hair keeps blowing back in my face. I get more and more grossed out as the seconds drag by. \nSo I take out my nail scissors from my purse and start snipping off strands that get close enough. Pretty soon I'm hacking off entire chunks, seeing as she had the bad judgement to fall asleep. \n\nI probably started a new fashion. \n\nThe old lady across the aisle just sat and watched, giggling to herself. \n", |
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"from": "cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "Driving up to the rifle range in a van. \n\nVery narrow country lane, with hedgerows on each side. \n\nAustin-Healy sportscar gets stuck behind us for miles. \n\nWhen he finally passes, he yells \"Roadhog!\" and goes zooming off. \n\nIn a few minutes, we pass the Austin-Healy with its nose in the hedgerow. The guy is just getting out. \n\nOur driver rolls down the window, yells: \"Hedgehog!\" \n", |
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"from": "limbo@lowbrow.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "so I was supposed to cook spaghetti meat sauce. I used to use woks to do that sort of thang, but our new stoves are wok uncompatable so instead we use cooking pots. I pour in the oil (so I can stir fry the meat) and turn on the stove, and proceed to chop garlic. After I'm done, I turn around, and there's the pot just spewing out smoke. I mean, MAJOR smoke. So being a smart little former home ec student, I know to remove the pot from the stove. The minute I pick it up, it bursts into flames. I'm running around in a panic with a pot of fire, and suddenly I get this great idea to put out the fire. I put the pot in the kitchen sink, and turn on the water at full blast. \"F*CK!!!!!!!!\" My life passes before my eyes as a cascading four-foot wall of inferno erupts out of the cooking pot. I manage to stick my hand through the fire to turn the water off, which ends the inferno. The pot's still on fire though, so I fumble with the backdoor with one hand and carry the burning pot into the grass. I dumped the oil in my neighbor's lawn. \n", |
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"from": "invisigoth5x11@hotmail.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "We were driving along a remote & dusty road in the Australian Outback .In the distance we saw a hitchhiker.This extremely good looking girl was in the middle of nowhere. Thinking I might shock my Canadian friend who was a respectable buisiness & family man I pointed out the hitch hiker & said \"Lets pick her up.We can fuck her then kill her\". After a moments silence in which I thought he was horrified,he calmly turned to me and said,\"No lets kill her then fuck her\"! \n", |
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"from": "phizzy51au@yahoo.com.au" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "I was fucking my boyfriend in this cheap hotel out near downtown (I won't say which one) when he gets this crazy idea to do a 69 standing up. Now he's pretty strong, so he's able to lift my 110lb self with no problems and hold me there while he eats me out. Anyhow, to make a long and interesting story short, after he came in my mouth, he piledrives me into the floor. This renders me unconcious for several hours. When I wake up, I find myself alone in the hotel room, naked, and my boyfriend gone. \n\nWe're still going out... \n", |
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"from": "amberrosensmith@hotmail.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "My dog once ate a whole shitload of pinecones. Of course he got all bound up and couldn't take a proper dump. And what come out was some of the funkiest shit (no pun intended) I have yet encountered. \n\nSo I take the little bastard to the vet. The doc gives him the once over and tells me what's wrong. While doing all this he stuck something, a thermometer (I think) up his ass. Now picture this, I'm standing on the left front of the exam table holding the dog, the doc's on the right side and an assistant is standing beside him. As he pulled the object from my dog's ass, shit, blood, and chewed up pinecones sprayed the walls, the doc, the assistant, yet not a drop on me. Oh man I thought everybody was gonna hurl. \n\nNeedless to say the vet asked me not to come back again. \n", |
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"from": "stillbonging@smoke.net" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "ICECREAM pt. 2 \n\nIt finally occurred to me to put a small scoop of peanut butter in the microwave, cook it, and drizzle the resulting liquid P.B. \"sauce\" over chocolate icecream. \n\nDuh. \n\nIt's quite good. \n", |
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"from": "xiij@tyreebride.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "i'm sitting at home studying for my Western Civilization test. \na friend opens the door and bursts in, blurting out, \"ha, caught you masterbating.\" \n\ni said, \"yeah, to 18th century europe.\" i started making the jerking off motion and moaning, \"oh god, cathrine the great, landed aristocracy!\" \n", |
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"from": "strongrefrigerators@hotmail.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "Not to sound gay, but there is nothing funnier than watching my neighbor (an obese ogre) masturbate while crying to himself. \n", |
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"from": "jolly@fatty.net" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "The other day I was walking to class when I noticed my shoe was untied. \"Fuck it\" I thought to myself \"tie it after you get to class\" I crossed the street like usual. A dark sedan sped around the corner htting the guy who was walking right behind me. He was dead before he hit the ground. After getting over th initial shock I suddenly realize, Damn, if I had stopped to tie my shoe it would have been me. Whoever said laziness never pays off was dead wrong. \n", |
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"from": "Blackdeath1327@htmail.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "Drunk girlfriend, sick to her stomach, in the bathroom, puking, puking, puking. Me, watching, eating Taco Bell Nachos, asking her if she would like some. \n\nMore puking. \n", |
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"from": "vernugen420@yahoo.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "i was at Ozzfest, which is one big lowbrow moment. And after smoking some massive joints with the 14 year olds sitting next to us, but before system of a down came on...me and my friend went to visit the port-a-johns. \n\nWe got in line to wait. And this drunken asshole walks right up to one of the johns, starts pounding on the door, screaming... \n\n\"I know you're in there, you fuckin bitch\" \n\n\"Git yo ass outta there right this second\" \n\nThis guy was almost too drunk to stand up. and he keeps pounding and yelling for about 5 minutes. I was doubting that someone was even in the john. \n\nUntil this woman walks walks out, evidently his wife. \n\nand following her... \n\nA man, evidently his brother. \n\nBut even better.....the guy at the front of the line walked right into the tainted stall and shut the door. \n", |
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"from": "imakefires@yahoo.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "Last Saturday I paid my gorgeously curvacious best friend to detail my car for $40. \n\nI sat out on the porch for 5 hours smoking and drinking and watching her prance around in booty shorts and a tight tank top cleaning the inside of my car. \n\nThe best part? My other friend (another gorgeiously curvacious girl) came out also in booty shorts and tight tank top when it came time to get soapy. Friend 1's boyfriend even got out the polaroid and made sure to document the whole thing. Every time they leaned over to get the hubcaps or reached really far to get the top, and especially when they started turning the hose on each other. \n\nThe lowbrow moment? Everyone up and down the block started coming outside for cigarettes. One old man 2 houses down even had his hands blatently down his pants while watching. \n\nAll this for only 40 dollars! \n", |
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"from": "devolving@mindless.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "I've found the biggest challenge in yoga class is controlling my farts so they sneak out silently. Zen farts. \n", |
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"from": "cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "I was having dinner in a classy restaurant. There was me, one of my friends and 10 girls celebrating a birthday party. How we got there is another story \n\nI decided I needed a crap and went off to the lavs. I learned that no matter how classy a place is they still run out of shit roll. It wasn't a clean break so I couldn't take my chances of pulling up my trousers. So with them still round my ankles I waited for a quiet moment and shuffled to the adjacent cubicle. Would you believe it, no roll either. Now I was going commando so I didn't have any underpants to us. In a flash of inspiration I whipped off a sock and used that. \n\nLater on one of the girls said \"How come you only have one sock on\". \n\nQuick as a flash \"Good luck, I'm a bit superstitious\" \n", |
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"from": "thevirginpriest@mac.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "Today at work I was going through and editing the size of pictures in a PowerPoint presentation about safety in the work place. It had around 200 slides of different kinds of work related injuries, demonstrating the injury by showing various pictures of it. Around slide 100 there was a very displaced picture of two lady bugs getting it on. Around slide 150 there was a picture of a little kid chilling by a lake with his ass hanging out. I have to wonder, was the person who created that slide show a disgruntled employee who had just taken enough shit and finally lost it? And well, I wasn't told to delete any slides...so I didn't. It's definitely the little perks that make it all worth it. \n", |
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"from": "LaDeeFrickingDa@aol.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "Top Tip #1 - What NOT to do with a dead dog found by the roadside. \n\nCome out of pub at closing time. \n\nAttempt to walk straight. \n\nFail miserably. \n\nSee dead dog. \n\nPick up dead dog. \n\nWalk into still open (and rather full) kebab shop. \n\nSlam aforementioned dog ontop of the counter and say \"That's the last one you're getting from us until we get paid....\" \n\nRun very fast away from mad meat cleaver weilding turk, for a total distance of two miles.... \n\nI really miss being a student .. \n", |
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"from": "psychomoggiebagpuss@hotmail.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "This guy at a party pulled his dick \nout, picked up an empty Miller bottle \n\nand pissed into it. Then he twisted a \n\ncap back onto it, and put it into the \n\ncooler. \n\n\"Someone's gonna drink my piss \n\ntonight!\" he said. Then, he \n\nreconsidered. \"No, I'M GONNA \n\nDRINK MY PISS!\" \n\nHe grabbed the bottle and pounded the piss down. \n\nThen he puked. \n", |
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"from": "pissdrinkerwatcher@yahoo.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "I used to work at this really busy Mexician restaraunt. It had 2 30 yard dumpster but on the weekends it would be so busy both would get full. We would break down boxes flat and throw them on top of the trash and do a \"dumpster dance\" to make more room. \n\nOne night I was \"dancing\" and hit a pocket that sank me up to my armpits in slimey Mexican garbage. I couldn't get a foot or hand hold and this shit was like quicksand. \n\nIt took two people to pull me out before I sank to the fucking bottom. \n\nMan, that would be the worst way to die... \n", |
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"from": "stillbonging@smoke.net" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "I had been living with my girlfriend for but a few short months. We had been dating for just over five years and had gotten over the whole being embarassed about farting in front of each other (a great milestone for someone as skilled at passing wind as myself). So one night she has fallen asleep one the couch while we were watching movies. I am not far behind just beginning to dose off as this enormous rumble jolts me awake. \"Don't worry she's asleep.\" is my first thought, but it is cut short by a slight giggle followed by some teasing about how only I could wake a room up with a fart. This one's a keeper ;) \n", |
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"from": "evildan81@hotmail.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "a [female] friend of mine was out in the clubs one night on the prowl. later, the prey was captured and she was happily off in the corner having a torrid makeout session with some chick she picked up. \n\nhowever, the prey's girlfriend was not so charmed by said make out session and started giving my friend a hassle about it. \n\nto which my pal replied \"look, before you give me a hard time, you should know that i'm either looking for a fuck or a fight and i dont really care which it is\". \n\nnow that is thinking on your feet. \n", |
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"from": "tyger@lowbrow.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "when i lived in a tent near mount hood for a summer, we used to go into the huckleberry cafe and wait for the japanese tourists to leave, because they never ate all thier appetizers. \nthen ponch got sick and spent two days puking out of his tent. \n\nso we quit eating and just rode and drank. \n\n\n\n8 or 10 years ago, we're on my bed, tv on, blankets covering us, my hand in her panties. \nmy dad walks in, we freeze. \n\n(note: it took more self control than i have ever had to put forth to keep my finger, still on her clit, from moving) \n\npops starts going on, blah blah blah about whatever normal stuff. \n\ni'm sweating, she's trying not to quiver. \n\nhe turns to leave the room, i think, 'whew, we're cool' as he turns around and says, \n\n\"by the way, i know where your hand is... have fun.\" \n\nbut he freaked girl out so bad, i didn't. \n\n(have fun) \n\n(she left) \n\n(my dad rules in a very lowbrow kind of way) \n", |
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"from": "xxx@mntrs.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "If God did not want us to masturbate.... \nHe would have given us shorter arms..... \n\nOr better men. \n", |
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"from": "oljohn@henge.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "we awoke, i half-clothed, she fully, and both still very inebriated. \nlarge blank spots about the night before. \n\ni sit up to find my shirt (that i don't remember removing), and see one of my notebooks lying on the floor next to the bed. \n\n\"She said we will talk about sex in the morning, I said we won't.\" \n\nin my handwriting. we looked at each other very confused. \n\nand you guessed it, i won the bet. \n", |
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"from": "schpazboy@hotmail.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "Went camping in Ireland with three friends years ago. We camped in meadows and fields, stayed with farmers, and even spent the night at a lake. \n\nThe night we spent at the lake, we discovered we had no clean clothing left. So we wash them in the lake, light a fire to dry them, and start to get drunk. \n\nAfter two hours we discover the fire is in no way adequate of drying our clothes. \n\nSo we just tie everything to my little red car, and go racing around the lake, in the middle of the night, drunk as a skunk, the radio blasting early Therapy?, with no lights on a dark, winding road in a foreign country. \n\nI wish we had passed a native, so there would be stories going round in the pub of \"the haunted red ghost-car decorated with bra's, knickers and shirts that nearly killed Noddy down at the lake\" \n", |
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"from": "nowyoucanreachpuckeredhead@hotmail.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "so, when i lived in the east-side punkhouse a friend's band was staying with us, from nebraska. we all go skinny dipping one night, and this super quiet dude (bassplayer?) gets undressed. little guy, in stature, but i'll be damned if he didn't have 9 or 10 inches, limp. we were all pretty shocked, not too often you see one that large in real life. so it gets around, you know, that dude's hung... and the girl i was seeing at the time spends the next week in his bed. \nshe agreed that it was massive. \n\nand i didn't really care, 'cause he seemed like he needed to get some. \n\nthe kid refused to shit anywhere but at his house, and everybody on tour with him swears he didn't shit once during thier three week tour. \n\nlike i said, he really needed to get some. \n", |
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"from": "xxx@mentors-weride.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "Walking past a heavily armed Secret Service contingent, with police backup, I let a huge Taco Bell burrito supreme carpet bomb fart. \n\nWhat are they going to do, arrest me for farting? \n", |
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"from": "oingoboingo@yahoo.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "Jeeves just told me how to grow marijuana. \n", |
|
"from": "sensei@woohoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I just keep reading these things and reading, and somebody wrote something about needing to study for a test, and I'm doing the same thing. I'm avoiding all of my commitments to school with this damn website. \n\nBut I swear to god there's a liberal arts education in all of this somewhere . . . \n", |
|
"from": "joeblo_28608@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "You know what sucks? \n\n*I'LL* tell you what sucks. \n\n\nIt's wet, it's cold, it's rainy, and since the fence isn't done, you have to take the dog out in the backyard on a leash. \n\nIt's 7am, it's wet, cold, and rainy; you're in your bathrobe watching your dog take a shit. \n\nHmm... it appears my dog has some sort of refuse embedded in his shit... hey, look at that! It's a rubber! \n\nIt's 7am, it's wet, cold, and rainy; you're in your bathrobe watching your dog shit out a used condom. \n\nGood morning! \n", |
|
"from": "my.fence@is.now.done" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "So she walks in to our office, looks at me, unzips her sweater, and says, \"Wow, I'm hot.\" \n\nMy first thought: \"Yes, you are. . .\" \n\nMy first words: \"It's gotten warm out, huh?\" \n\n*sighs* \n", |
|
"from": "admin@osu.edu" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "So there I was,thinking I was this banking Goddess...showing 25 Taiwanese visitors where their limosines were...when BAM!!! I walked into the door. \n", |
|
"from": "sillygyrl9990@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was sitting there one evening, looking at a blank browser window. Wondering where I should go. Do you ever just type in URLs that you think might exist, to see what is really there? I typed www.lowbrow.com and here i am. \n\ni love the internet \n", |
|
"from": "godbox@email.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Tripping my brains out, the guy driving stopped at the Maryland Turnpike service station. \nI floated towards the Coke machine, dropped in my last few quarters. Nothing came out. I pressed the coin return. Nuthin. Slapped the Coke button several times, then Orange Fanta. Finally the Yoo-hoo. Not a peep. I more vigorously leaned on the coin return. Still no response. Perturbed, I started banging my fists upon the stubborn large red behemoth. Then put shoulder into and started rocking the thing. Back and forth, til it was making lots of noise as the back of the machine banged against the wall. Fuck if the $50 billion dollar Coca-Cola Corporation of America was going to steal my money. \n\n\"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?\" quizzed the extremely large and muscular-looking black station attendant , looking a cross between Reuben Hurricane Carter and Mr. T, the muscles rippling out of of very annoyed forehead. \n\n\"ummm errrr ummmm it it it it errrrr ummmm\" I stammered eyes dilated, now focused upon the apparent knife scars on biceps that were twice the size of my thighs approaching me at an uncomfortably rapid pace. \n\n\"I - I -I - it - it -it\" not able to to utter a coherent word. \n\nNow his face is inches from mine....\"TELL ME, DID THAT MACHINE HIT YOU??\" He says, staring at me so hard he's looking right through me. \n\nI lost my thirst. \n\n\"Coke adds life?\" I thought......fuck that! \n", |
|
"from": "less_than_merry_prankster@owlsley.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "my ex's little sister (1 year yuonger) has always been a real bitch to my ten year old sister... i mean what sophmore picks on a 5th grader?? well one day i went over my bf's house n secretly poured peroxide into her \"sheer blonde\" conditioner... the next day she came into school wearing a hat to hide the pink hair ~ fealing pride in my prank i went home to find my sister crying about how she still made fun of her... sure enough i took my pissed off self back to my bf's house to \"visit\" except this time i carried with me, Nair. I laughed devilishy while pouring... to find the next day that angela, the bitch, slept over a friends house that night and my boyfriend had no hair ~ not only did he go bald but he had an illergic reaction to the Nair and left school early to go to the clinic... he eventually found out it was me and hasnt talked to me since... oops \n", |
|
"from": "meagain@analbeadus.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Harley, UPS driver of the gods, once told me, \"Pack it like you know it's going to be dropped six feet off a fork-lift, and don't ever, EVER put FRAGILE stickers on the box. Some loaders only see that as a challenge.\" \n", |
|
"from": "whiskey_rebellion@penna.gov" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Her cat died in the driveway, and since she is too squeamish to remove it, she leaves it there until her husband comes back from out of town. I know all this because her hobby is sitting out front on the cordless phone, gossiping loud as hell all day. \nAt night, I move it with a shovel up to her doorstep. The next morning, she opens the door, shrieks, gets a broom, and shoves it back to the driveway. Next night, I move it up again. \n\n\"Mom\" she says on the phone the next morning, \"I know it's still alive... it keeps trying to crawl back in the house!\" \n", |
|
"from": "cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My boyfriends birthday was yesterday. His mom walked in to his bedroom to find me giving him his birthday present. \n", |
|
"from": "yourgirlfriend@rubberducky.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i walk into work today, and a coworker of mine (same one who told me yesterday that i should go to the library for books, cuz they have so many!, in genuine wonderment) tells me that her septic tank had backed the pther day. \"don't flush condoms!\" she says, and giggles.... her and her boyfriend had to run around the shit-soaked back yard picking up 400+ used, poop-infested condomns before her 7 yr old daughter came home. \n", |
|
"from": "lizlips@imabadlittlegirl.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I had realy bad gas today. Left over fast food farts. Warm and rank, the kind that lingers. \nI work in a small office with no windows and 1 door that I keep closed for privacy. \n\nPeople come in people go out, the fart smell stays. \n\nWhen I came back from lunch today someone snuck an air freshener under my desk. \n\nThanx. \n", |
|
"from": "alteredworks@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Moby's lowbrow moment — yes, Moby, vaunted musician, environmentalist and weird-ass, sort of born again Christian — made his appearance on \"Space Ghost Coast to Coast\" my favorite episode ever: \nMoby keeps talking about how we all need to work together to save the world, love each other, bring about peace, stop killing animals, and so on and so on. \n\nSpace Ghost starts saying over him, \"No one cares, Moby. No one cares.: \n\n\"No one cares, Moby. No one cares.\" \n\nMoby finally winds down, defeated, and mumbles, \"I know.\" \n", |
|
"from": "j-love@wellyeahbonoisgod.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I discovered the joy of masturbation at the age of fourteen. The first orgasm scared the shit out of me, though. I thought I was going to die, and that my goo was some essential fluid that wasn't supposed to be shooting out of the end of my dick. \n\nThat didn't stop me from doing it six more times, that day. \n", |
|
"from": "TenTigers@shreddin.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I used to be the maintenance guy at this upscale grocery store. I was in cleaning the bathroom - the mirror more specifically - when this extremely overweight individual walks up to the urinal behind me. The interesting part was that he was backing up to the urinal. He sat down on it, and began to take a shit. As soon as I realized this, I got out of there as quickly as i could. It was the end of my shift, so I punched out immediately, leaving it for my buddy who was just relieving me. \n", |
|
"from": "bnyberg@oxy.edu" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "\"so uh... think i could get your number?\" \n\"sure!\" \n\nshe scribbles something down on a piece of paper and hands it to me, in my drunken state \n\nnext morning, going through my pockets i find a small peice of paper with \n\n\"hell no loser!\" \n\nwritten on it \n", |
|
"from": "layz_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Who Is He?\nI finally have a woman who just out-and-out loves me. Security in a relationship is a rare thing, and twice as sweet. \n\nMonths go by with me basking in her glow. \n\nWe walk along the street, hand-in-hand. Pass some guy who gives me an odd look. Weird, I think, and shrug it off. \n\nI turn to say something amusing to my sweetie, and her eyes are everywhere, anywhere, but on mine. \n\nI quickly turn my head, already knowing the guy is looking back. \n\nI stop, keeping hold of her hand, and walk back. He looks a little scared, but stands firm. She looks like she's ready to faint. \n\nI reach for his hand, place her hand in it, and walk away without a word ever being spoken. \n\nLife imitating art? Sure, but this was years before I heard Bill Withers' \"Who Is He (And What Is He To You),\" i.e.: \n\n<i>A man we passed just tried to stare me down\nAnd when I looked at you you looked at the ground\nI don't know who he is but I think that you do\nDag gummit\nWho is he and what is he to you? \n\nSomething in my heart and in your eyes\nTells me he's not someone just passin' by\nAnd when you cleared your throat was that your cue?\nDag gummit\nWho is he and what is he to you? \n\nNow when I add the sum of you and me\nI get confused and I keep coming up with three\nYou're too much for one but not enough for two\nDag gummit\nWho is he and what is he to you? \n\nNow you think I'm one not much for intuition\nLord is that what you really think or are you wishin'\nBefore you wreck your old home be certain of the new \n\nDag gummit\nWho is he and what is he to you?</i>\n", |
|
"from": "LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I didn't cry when my childhood pet died. I didn't cry when they cancelled my car insurance and repossessed the VW. I didn't cry when my ex left me for \"someone younger with better tits\". I didn't cry when my sister told me it would be better if I didn't come to the wedding because she'd invited the ex and it might make him uncomfortable. \nBut when my vintage, softer-than-a-puppy's-belly Uriah Heep t-shirt finally fell apart in the wash, I bawled like a baby. \n", |
|
"from": "cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Two Quotes, Separated Only By Time\nRob Reiner, commenting on the 2000 Republican Convention:\n\"The Republican idea of diversity is to have two guys at the head of the ticket that are from two different oil companies.\" \n\nGeorge \"Dubya\" Bush, Trenton, N.J. Sept. 23, 2002:\n\"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption.\" \n", |
|
"from": "LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "When NASA first started sending up astronauts, \nthey quickly discovered that ball-point pens \nwould not work in zero gravity. To combat the \nproblem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 \nBillion to develop a pen that writes in zero \ngravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any \nsurface including at temperatures ranging from \nbelow freezing to 300º. \n\nThe Russians used a pencil \n", |
|
"from": "swallowtillburst@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My family spills out of the car. \nSome upscale bouutique is broadcasting music on the sidewalk. \n\nI'm transfixed. I walk in. Nothing in there costs less than $500. \n\nThe family follows, looking around and laughing at the prices. \n\nI walk up to the supermodel behind the counter: \"What is that you're playing? Can I buy it?\" \n\nAfter a bit of persuasion, she agrees to sell it to me. \n\nShe takes it out, and I demand to see it. \n\nMe: \"There's a wee scratch, there. Two dollars off.\" \n\nThus began my romance with African music, especially Thomas Mapfumo. \n", |
|
"from": "LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I want to die giving and receiving oral sex on my 69th wedding anniversary. \nOK, so I know that's not going to happen. That would put me in my 90's somewhere, and i'll have worn out the husband years ago. \n\nBut it would be cool. I'd cut a deal w/ God so my spirit could hang around a while, and watch when they discovered our wrinkly, tangled bodies. The coroner standing there, not sure if she should be sick or laugh her ass off. \n", |
|
"from": "dothemath@genius.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Y'know that old people smell? When you're at a retirement home it's hanging in the air, floating around everywhere, sinking into your nostrils and clothing and refusing to leave you alone, making you run outside gasping. \n\nI spilled ice tea on my carpet. I took out some box of rug cleaners my mom gave me and scrubbed the thing down with the first bottle of juice I got in my hand. Now my hands have that old people smell and I can't escape it. \n\nI look at the bottle I used: \"For the removal of urine and feces stains.\" \n\nOh. \n", |
|
"from": "My@hands.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "There was this chick in college that I thought I might get some with. However, she just wanted to be friends. OK, that's cool. so I would go over in the mornings and watch her get ready for class and we would leave together. \n\nOne day she tells me she may have to go to the doctor. I ask why and she tells me that her feces have been green for several days. I notice that she drinks a lot of grape kool-aid. so I tell her to lay off the grape drink for a while. \n\nI tried an experiment on myself and sure enough, if you drink a lot of purple grape drink, your shit will be a very interesting shade of green. \n\nToo bad I never got to bone that chick, but her green shits went away. \n", |
|
"from": "stillbonging@smoke.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "So in sixth grade, if you'll recall, everyone was kinda embarrassed about their bodies. \n\nSo this kid goes up to the board in my class to do a math problem, and when he turns around he has this huge pup-tent of a boner. The class starts laughing at him, leading him to look down, realize what is happening, then point at his crotch with both hands and proclaim, \"YEEEAAAAHHHH!\" \n\n...and, yeah, that's the only way to handle that situation. \n", |
|
"from": "blah@blah.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Several years ago I was at a friends house when his wife, a manager at a Kentucky Fried Chicken, calls from work. My friend points to the caller ID box and smiles. It reads: KY Fried Chick \n", |
|
"from": "bcmat72@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "We're all sitting around the table at lunch one day. I'm explaining to them why I don't eat red meat. \n\n\"It's not for any health reasons or ethical reasons. I just never liked red meat. And I don't care if other people eat it. As far as I'm concerned, cows are baseball gloves.\" \n\n\"Yeah, or jackets,\" says Garrett. \n\n\"Yeah, LEATHER jackets,\" says Gary. \n", |
|
"from": "HellBentForLeather@CowSkin.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "When programming, cursing at the computer is par for the curse. \n\nBut when you start making rude hand gestures at an inanimate machine, its time to go outside and have a cigarette. \n", |
|
"from": "UMCPong@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Uptight people never shit their pants. \n", |
|
"from": "eatintea@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "so \nthe jack in the box where i live takes forever if you go to the drive-thru \n\nand they have some shit that senses your car, which times how long it takes for them to get your order... quality assurance and all \n\nso they generally take 320495830 hours to get my order and have to ask me to pull forward a bit as to not fuck with their precious timer \n\nwell lately those fuckers have also been charging for ranch dressing, the cheap fucks \n\nlast time i was there, they asked me to pull forward \n\ni asked them for more ranch \n\nthey said i have to pay for it \n\nwhich is when i told them im not moving forward \n\nso they said 'okay we'll put extra ranch in the bag for you' \n\ni says 'no i dont trust you, give it now' \n\nso they gave it to me, and i pulled forward \n\nits nice to have a bargaining chip \n\nbut i hope they dont spit in my food or something \n", |
|
"from": "layz_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "it had all the makings of a perfect evening. the both of us get dressed up all pretty-like and head out to our 7:30 dinner reservations at a lovely french restaurant. we start with champagne coctails, then an aligator apitizer, a lovely white wine with our lobster dishes (topped with crab meat, of course), and finish with souffles. after our meal, we go out for a few drinks at a local snazzy bar. a perfect end to the evening was in sight when, on the way home, she told me how bad she wanted me. we come in and sit down on the couch. \n\nshe falls asleep. \n", |
|
"from": "bignightout@frenchie.com" |
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}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": " used to work at a movie theater, and cleaning up after a show, you'd find some interesting shit: dirty diapers, empty alcohol containers of all sizes and varieties, used condoms, the occasional puddle of piss, $20 bills, etc. \n\nThe one that has stuck the most in my mind is when I found a large pizza box in the theater. I thought that was rather interesting, considering nobody who was really fat or carrying a large bag came in. Then I thought that someone had snuck it in from the exit in the theater itself, but that door has an alarm on it, and it never went off. I opened the box (curious as to what kind of pizza it was), and there was no cheese or grease or anything on the lid, which indicated the box was carried level. \n\nThis puzzled me so much, I went back over the video tapes, but I didn't see anything. To this day, I wonder how the fuck you can carry a pizza box into a movie theater without tilting it and without getting caught. \n", |
|
"from": "Xerxes_the_Great@mad.scientist.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I used to know a guy who played Pecos Goofy at Disneyland. He got fired for flipping off a kid. \n", |
|
"from": "kell_h0und@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "When really (and i mean really) thirsty, I have been known to drink from random soda bottles I find in parking lots and such. \n\nPeople tell me that someone could have pissed in that. But who would piss in a soda bottle? \n", |
|
"from": "no@way.com" |
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}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "\"*I'll* take care of it,\" he told me crisply, marching over to the stove where the coffee had evaporated and burned inside the glass caraffe. \n\"Whattya bet me that idiot is gonna plunge the whole thing under cold water\", I mused to myself. \"Nah,\" I reasoned, \"he's not *that* stu--\" [Faucet squeak, running water, crack, shatter, tinkle] \"--pid?\" \n", |
|
"from": "M@H.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "as she looked up from the floor next to the toilet, she said:\n'your bed makes me spin, but i can sleep fine on the cold tile.'\nso that is where she slept.", |
|
"from": "xxx@mentors-weride.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "She twirled her finger through my long hair: 'That's my *other* weakness; I can't tell you what the first one is... It would be dangerous. You know what I mean... *Yes* you do.' People keep tying to tell me something, but I think they're all speaking in code.- whiskeyrebellion@penna.gov", |
|
"from": "" |
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}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I can report that receiving cunnilingus is enhanced with menthol cough drops.\n\nI leave it to you to figure out how to use the cough drop.\n", |
|
"from": "sofarsogood@today.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "We had just sat in our car after a Depeche Mode concert at San Diego State University. The parking garage was full of people trying to leave.\n\n'Are you leaving?' the goth gal in the black skirt asked.\n\n'Yup,' I replied.\n\n'Good,' she said.\n\nAs I backed out of the parking space, she lifted her skirt, squatted down over the oil stained concrete, and pissed a river.", |
|
"from": "jpreza@netnevada.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I just took a dump in your pool, so can I pee in your toilet?", |
|
"from": "funk@dat.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I watched a woman pull a MetroCard out of her jeans pocket and a folded $20 bill fell by her shoe. I was about to say, 'Hey! You dropped your money!' when the gangsterly-looking young man behind her stepped on it. He waited for her to pass the turnstile before picking it up.\n\nLater I saw them both on the train platform. He was eating a big bag of cheese doodles.\n\nDid the universe think he needed that $20 more than she did? Or was I just another chickenshit, afraid of getting involved?", |
|
"from": "fear@karma.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "writing a boring paper about ecclesiastical controversy in the poetry of Herbert.\n\nRandomly groped one of my own boobs mid-sentence.\n\nPaused. Thought\n\n'I love my breasts'\n\nWent back to writing.\n\nGod, its fun to be back on the plus end of the self-image scale.", |
|
"from": "yellowwombat@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "HANGOVER HAIKU\n\nAcid burns\nFiery anus\nPost grog bog", |
|
"from": "fhenskens@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "walking around my house, 3 in the after noon on a friday. no classes toaday, and im dressed in my bathrobe. i open it up for a tummy scratch as i meander into the backroom (the one with the glass door). and notice the school bus parked by the park behind my backyard. did i mention its cold in the back room?", |
|
"from": "poopone@poop.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "darkhairdgrrl: Christian Zionists - many from the United States - express a religious fervor no less fanatical than Muslim extremists possessed by a spirit that motivates them to destroy others in the name of God. Christian Zionists raise millions of dollars for Israel. They do it to hasten the return of Christ, which according to their own peculiar interpretation of biblical prophecy cannot occur until all Jews have returned to Israel to rebuild the Temple.\ndarkhairdgrrl: what the hell?\nDavin Carten: LOL\nDavin Carten: yeah, im sure christ can be hurried along!", |
|
"from": "yelloduckie@not.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The best part about having two fat guys as roommates...\n\nIf you are ever hungry, you always have somebody willing to go get food with you.\n", |
|
"from": "rockytheninja@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I am a waitress at a very prominent restaurant in Maine. This place is the most disgusting excuse for a four star family restaurant I have ever worked at but the tourists seem to love it. Today I stood bye as a coworker dropped a full plate of hot wings on the floor (which I might add I have never seen washed in the year that I have worked in said establishment) I went over to help her clean up and watched as she put the wings back on the plate and served them to her customers. They left her a 30% tip.... makes you think twice about eating out does it not?", |
|
"from": "waitress@maine.state" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "At the beginning of the month the food stamps would come in and the three of us would eat thick porterhouse steaks, smoked salmon, name brand cereal, and fresh vegetables.\n\nAt the end of the month we ate a mixture of elbow noodles, potatoes, onions, and flour boiled in a big pot and seasoned from the gallon jug of Lousiana Hot Sauce™.", |
|
"from": "snikrepkire@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Totally amazed, I watched the quiestest girl in high school get completely tanked and proceed to pick up a guy in the club, take him out to her car and fuck him. She was back 20 mins later, only to pick up another guy who she fucked standing up in the parking lot. She came back, bought more drinks, danced a little more, before settling on the last guy of the evening. I presume she went back to his place since her parents may have objected.\nMe? I went home alone. Go fucking figure.", |
|
"from": "tamadav@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "As I reached for my wonderful ATM/credit card, she asked 'Will that be all? No cigarettes? Lotto?'\n\nI said, 'Who, me? No. No thank you.' The thought had never occured to me that I actually good purchase those things, given the proper vices.", |
|
"from": "" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The Injection-Moulded Luau\n(Excerpt from a California conference report that I worded as dry as I could, but it almost got me fired, anyway. My company made stupefyingly boring plastic injection-moulding software, is why the supposed focus :-)\nOn Monday evening, Quarterdeck put on a luau for us, complete with a pig on a stick, fire dancers, and Samoan wahines in astroturf skirts and coconut shells.\nAfter they had finished their set, the wahines came down into the audience, looking for victims to humiliate.\nSitting far back, I thought myself safe, but my date for the evening was also Samoan (another story), and she called out the traditional ancient cry:\nHUMUhumunukunuku ApuAA`!\nwhich I had always understood to be a Hawaiian species of triggerfish, but in the context of a luau, it seemingly translates to \"Here! Come grab this chump!\" I was dragged up on stage and surrounded by six wahines wearing twelve half-coconut shells. I bore this with as much patience as I could muster, until the coconuts got closer, whereupon I noticed that they were actually injection molded plastic! The material looked like polycarbonate, possibly one of the Bayer Makrolon series, and may have been fiber-reinforced (it was difficult to tell, as the shells were vibrating rapidly).\nMy interest finally aroused, I examined them in close detail, noting that they had a single injection port on the tip, with a very poorly-trimmed runner. I could see no evidence of warping, weld lines or cavities, but any warping would have been masked by the considerable packing stress they were under.\nUpon closer examination, the material had the typical slightly-greasy feel of polycarbonate. Unfortunately, when I tried to examine two of them even closer, an intercultural misunderstanding arose, and my date had to intervene on my behalf...", |
|
"from": "LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "So I lay there in his bed, with his post-coital self draped across me.\n\nHis face mashed against mine.\n\nI could see right up his nose.\n\nThere were some hairs and some random detritus in his nostril.\n\nHe snored gently.\n\nLater, I went to the bathroom and brought myself off quietly, so as not to disturb him.", |
|
"from": "shymonkey@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Weird Things To Buy On E-Bay #1: Hi-Fi speakers\nThey were made by Celestion, one of the best British manufacturers, and with my eyes closed, they sound wonderful.\nThey were an incredible bargain, $250 delivered, though the list price was $900.\nWith my eyes open, though, they looked hideous, in King Of The Dorm style -- tall square black towers with plastic bass ports.\nSo I wrapped them completely in gray acoustic cloth.\nStill wondering where the LowBrow moment is?\nI recently added more decoration to them, combining my love of Hi-Fi with my childhood love of building model aeroplanes.\nEach one now has a Boeing 767 impaled in it.\nMost of my guests agree that my sense of humour has gone overboard...", |
|
"from": "LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i still cant believe that some women think that plastic bags of toxic goo that inflate their godgiven breasts to sad caricatures will find them self respect and true love rather than bad sex and a greater understanding of how truely sick they are of themselves", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "rachael got a $10 gift certificate to the convenience store she works in today. apparently, she successfully avoided getting fined and jailed by not selling alcohol to a minor sent in by cops. she herself is underage and told me that she is going to sell herself some beer to celebrate, and use that little $10 gift certificate to pay for it all.", |
|
"from": "femf8al@nycap.rr.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "So i'm at some college doing polymer research, bored as hell. To add to the nightly watergun fights, i break out a fire extinguisher. It got confiscated. Fucksticks.\n\nPissed, i stole another fire extinguisher, emptied it out, and filled it with flour. I made an adapter out of silly putty, a syringe, a glove, duct tape and 2 paperclips so i could charge it with propane. I could shoot fire balls 15 feet from this ex-fire extinguisher that you could hear down the hall. The counselor almost shit his pants when i went after him.\n\nDon't fuck with my fire extinguishers.", |
|
"from": "contaminated@glassware.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "We're up in the mountains my brother and me. High up enough, we thought, to get away from the scummy city types.\n\nWe round a bend to a little fishing hole on a stream that he knows, and what do we see? About twenty or thirty people of various ethnicity, most of them kids, bathing in the pristine mountain stream.\n\nCursing under his breath my brother finds a different spot upstream where we procede to spend some time fishing and swimming in a couple of smaller pools in relative solitude.\n\nThen I have to take a shit.\n\nHaving no paper, and no facilities, I find a little faster flow of stream between some high rocks and drop my load.\n\nSide note: if you ever get a chance to shit in a gently flowing mountain stream I recommend it. Natures bidet.\n\nWith nothing to break it up my turd is around 14 inches long, and yes, its a floater.\n\nAs we drive back down past the bathing masses later we can't help but laugh histerically about who found the 'brown trout' that day.", |
|
"from": "random_crapper@gottago.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Never, EVER take the ASVAB (however you say it) test 'just for curiosity'. If you mess around and score an 80-something (the highest you can score is a 99), they'll call your house more often than a drunken ex-lover at 3 in the morning.\n\nI did that, and the freaks won't quit bugging me...", |
|
"from": "woopikins@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Because of you bastards, I can no longer shower with my wife without thinking about pissing on her to see if she'd notice.\n\nI hate you all.", |
|
"from": "tuch14@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "friends don't let friends do drugs....\n\n.......alone.", |
|
"from": "mark@crackdealer.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My mom called again. She's having problems with her printer.\n\nIt seems it won't print.\n\nI deduce rather quickly that it's out of ink, even though she claims 'the solid red light was always on ever since I got it.'\n\nShe proudly announces that she has purchased over 100 dollars of discount internet ink cartridges. Where did she buy them from? Oh, some company that sends out spam. Great.\n\nTo make a long phone call short, she replaces the color cartridge. Still, the problem persists. She proudly declares that she was right, and 'the printer never was out of ink'.\n\nAfter trying every concievable diagnostic, including reinstalling the driver, we conclude she's going to have to buy a real ink cartridge.\n\nIt is at this point that she realizes that she had never installed the new color ink- she removed and reinstalled the same empty cartridge.\n\nProblem solved.\n\nGo mom.\n", |
|
"from": "oedipus@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I know all the words, and regularly sing along to 'Mustapha' by Queen.", |
|
"from": "ripped@the.ass" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "About to watch a movie, three women file in and sit down behind me.\n\nI'm 6'2', 200lbs...\n\n'Ooh! These seats are skinny!' Proclaims one of these women...\n\nI look down at my fat ass.\n\n3 inches on either side...", |
|
"from": "codytesnow@usa.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Nothing like drinking Jack Daniels out of the bottle and having a smoke with your professor during a paintball game in the middle-of-nowhere Quebec.", |
|
"from": "cramithippie@yahoo.ca" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "She: Come on, do something crazy!\n\nMe: I'm not the crazy type.\n\nHer: I'll flash you!\n\n\nSo I pissed on her.", |
|
"from": "dum@dum.DUM!" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "So my friend says to me, 'Guess what! Jer made me come 5 times last night!' I was like, 'Right on... I masturbated the other night.' She goes, 'Ewwww how can you do that!? I don't like it, it doesn't work for me.' I say, 'Well, I'm just really horny. I'm trying not to be a slut anymore.' then I started laughing hysterically at her.", |
|
"from": "Icome@lone" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Things wrong with my 1989 Chevy Blazer\n1. driver side door does not shut.\n2. passenger window does not roll up.\n3. AC does not work.\n4. heater does not work.\n5. cruise control come on by itself sometimes.\n6. have no key to open to back hatch.\n7. broken winshield wiper motor\n8. rear view mirror will not stay attached to window\n9. blown rear seal\n10. tapping valves\n11. transmission slips\n12 interior on roof of cap falls down, -help up with thumbtacks\n13. passenger seat will not roll back for larger persons, stuck in close up kiddie position.\n14. seatbelts do not lock\n15. missing back bumper\n16. have to jiggle wires under dash to make AM/FM Delco stereo come on.\n17. tired are bald\n18. out of alignment, have to always hold steering wheel, if I dont, the truck makes a sudden left turn.\n19. muffler has a hole in exaust pipe.\n20.ashtrays in backseat always fall out of their spaces.\n21. will not go into 2nd gear\n22. spider cracks on the rear axle.\n\nother than these its a good truck and trying to get at least $800 for it.", |
|
"from": "erickw1969@excite.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The more you cry, the less you have to pee.", |
|
"from": "notasermon@justa.thought" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "A series of slight missteps that leads to tragedy:\n\n1) Despite the fact that I had a ridiculously important client meeting the next morning I go out drinknig.\n\n2) I had mixed a few glasses with wine with a few beers - a combination that is chaotic on my stomach.\n\n3) I wake up late - nasty hangover shits - I get dressed in a hurry, khaki pants and the like.\n\n4) As I am parking, with 5 minutes to get upstairs to my meeting - I decide to squeeze out one last fart which turned out to be more of a sizeable liquid projectile, fully equipped with stench and all.\n\n5) As I am quickly attempting to clean myself up in the bathroom with seconds to spare I realize my final tragic misstep.\n\n6) I have one fucked up pair of boxers that has the tag on the front instead of the back. In my haste I put these on with tag in back, thus wearing them backwards. Therefore, my shit-stake passed cleanly through the open fly of my backwards boxers.\n\nKhaki pants...foul-ass shit stained clean through...2 minutes to get to my meeting...I had no choice...I had to grin and bare it.\n\nI wish I could say my accident went unnoticed but shortly thereafter I was moved to a position in which I have absolutely no contact with clients or potential clients.\n\nI am suing the manufacturers of those boxers. They are the ones to blame.", |
|
"from": "FecalMatterz@home.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I discovered that writing in a public place with your weiner out really brings out the creativity within onesself.\n\nThe ride in the police car is fun too.", |
|
"from": "cornie@ihatemimes.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "vagina without labia is like peanut butter without jelly.", |
|
"from": "viricarus@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My stress reliever -\n\nUnder my breath, with my head turned away, I say:\n\ngoddamsonofabitchedshitassbastard.\n\nWorks every time.", |
|
"from": "exwife@TXexes.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "mr jaffee\ndo you think that failure to define oneself in lessthan threedimensional terms along a continuum denotes non existence\nor\nan inability to see the forest through the trees\nbig ol honkin questionmark\ndo tell", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "You can fairly assume the caliber of your future in-laws when they declare they the 'best' eatery in town is the one where they want to throw your rehearsal dinner. 'You know, the one shaped like a big boat!'", |
|
"from": "mrsgodzilla@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "17/01/02\n\nA bowl of cheerios.\n\nA mug of tea.\n\nLowbrow.\n\nBreakfast of Champions.", |
|
"from": "solalunar@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i was sitting here at my computer reading lowbrow, and picking my nose, and i got a nice big bugger. i was examining it on my finger, and oops, it fell. so i look down to get rid of it, and it seems that it dissapeard into the keepboard.", |
|
"from": "mylittlepony@fantacyland.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Growing up, one of my favourite foods was tongue.\nMe mom made it for us in many different ways. It was inexpensive. We loved it.\nThen one day it came to me: tongue is actually tongue!\nBut I had to sit there, staring at it without eating, for two days, before Mom gave up and offered me something else...", |
|
"from": "LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "His hat and beard gave him an avuncular, even professorial, look. His alcoholic breath could have sterilized surgical instruments. Four blocks later, the passengers pointed out that he might want to start the meter. Which he did. Chatty the way drunks are, he hypnotized himself listening to the various spins he could put on the same thought. Did I mention he repeated himself?", |
|
"from": "" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "tip #7 on how to keep a man:\nBe kinky. If you want sex, just ask for it. And if he says no, masturbate in front of him till he changes his mind. He will thank you for it later.\n- serialkiller@livejournal.com\n\n\ni had a girlfriend who masturbated in front of me a couple times. then one day she told me she had never been happy with me and had used me to have someone to be with and get off with.", |
|
"from": "ilikecake@detroitska.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I sit at my computer basically from the time i wake up (around 3 PM) to the time i go to sleep (about 5 AM). I rarely go out. maybe 2 days a week, and it is either to an internet cafe or with my GF. Actually, my gf and i usually stay in.\nI usually eat microwaved food or something. To cut back on dirty dishes, i use paper plates. When im done, i put them on the floor next to me. The pile of rotting leftover food scraps stays there until the pyramid like structure reaches about halfway up my computer. On the other side is my empty soda can area. I get at least 20 cans there before i decide to take them to the kitchen.\nThis is my life.", |
|
"from": "GhostGuy@techie.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "so here i sit. a corporate commodity. a number. and i keep going back to the same thought.\n\nthey should have offered classes like 'blowing your boss' and 'fucking your way up the ladder' as electives in college.\n\ni could justify that elective now.", |
|
"from": "ashe@darkerdays.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The morning sun reached tentatively into the hedge where a lace of dark shadows hid the\nrumpled form which lay slumped against the side of the building. Slowly the light\nburned through the stupor and bloodshot eyes creaked open to blink uncomprehendingly\nat their surroundings. Steven Hatch, also known as Stinker, or in other venues more\nsuccinctly as Skunk, awoke to face another day. His was a moment to moment existence\nfocused entirely upon urges and their satisfaction. The urge of the moment was centered\nupon his bladder. The stench of ammonia suggested that this urge had been satisfied at\nleast once during the unconscious hours of the night. Be that as it may, an urge was an\nurge and this one was among the easiest to eliminate. With exaggerated care, he\nmaneuvered himself into a semi-vertical position with his forehead against the cool brick\nwall. Ahhhh, relief flooded his consciousness. Relief was nearly the only emotion he had\nleft which resembled joy in any sense. Drinking to insensibility, taking a leak or taking a\ndump, these had become the zeniths of his days.\n", |
|
"from": "figaro15@bellsouth.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I caught the dean of the honors college pouring his can of coke out into a plant yesterday.\nWhen he saw me looking, he muttered, 'Fertilizer,' and wandered off.\nIt was a plastic plant.\n~puck~", |
|
"from": "princess_zelda23@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I knew it was love when, over eggs and steak, he called the A-1 sauce, 'Al.'", |
|
"from": "am_27@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "paper-thin it floated gracefully to the bottom of the bowl...\nI can only describe it as a 'shit ribbon'", |
|
"from": "greatnate@lycos.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was hammered drunk when my friends decided it was time to go get breakfast. We went to the local Village Inn. I walked in, sat down, smelled some bacon and then walked swiftly to the bathroom. I made it around the corner and puked all over the stall.\n\nMy friend comes in and I say, 'I think I puked' (Yeah, you think?) He took me out to his car and I puked in there too.\n\nSweet thing is, other people cleaned it up and not me.", |
|
"from": "ralf@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The girl actually WANTED me to fuck her up the ass. Go figure. So I, with my typical gracelessness, manage to wreck the moment with a single blurt.\n\n'Have you ever had anal sex?' asks she.\n\n'You mean giving or receiving?' sez I.\n\nAnd just like that, the opportunity was gone, gone, gone.", |
|
"from": "angst@global.org" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "me and my girlfriend were laying on the floor quite permiscuously one day\n\nmy mother walks up and quite calmly says\n\n' you kids makin porno on the floor?'\n\nI hate my gene pool, kill me", |
|
"from": "laughing@myexistance.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "His parents had taped the movie off tv. It ended, the credits rolled, we sat there talking about it. The screen went to the snow that means nothing is here. Then it popped up with an image of a chair. Then his dad walked onto the screen naked, put a foot up on the chair, and started masturbating.", |
|
"from": "jimmy@jim.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "She was flying coach. The man in front of her was talking loudly about profit amortization; she suspected that he had already peaked career-wise and was on a fiery blaze down.", |
|
"from": "" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "having 16 guineapigs and not changing thier bedding in 2 weeks should eaither key you into the fact that you should change your guineapigs bedding more often or that you need to give away a few guineapigs", |
|
"from": "puretrichomes@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was sitting there listening to my freind talk out his ass when a phrase caught my attention 'yeah...things were different after China bombed pearl harbor...' Wow. I feel so smart. heh.", |
|
"from": "animehev@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "At the dinner table my mother said, 'Dr. Perko asked how you are,' but what I heard was, 'What a porko-assed cow you are.'", |
|
"from": "clytle@scn.org" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I used to have a list of questions titled 'Questions to ask God.' Now I have a list of questions titled 'Questions to ask Brian.'", |
|
"from": "theamazingspiderann@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "What the difference between Pork and Beans and Beenie Weenies?\n\nThey are both made by VanDeCamp and they both have the same description on the label. As far as I can tell the only differece is that Pork and Beans are $.69 for 8oz while Beenie Weenies are $1.35 for 7.7oz. Whoever does marketing at VanDeCamps is a smart man.\n\nKids love the word weenie.", |
|
"from": "idolitor@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "'...yeah. i hated high school, too. HATED!'\n'excuse me? hated high school? you were captain of the swim team, had dozens of great friends and always got good grades. how can you say you hated high school?!'\n'well...it was hard getting up that early every day!'", |
|
"from": "zolivine@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I drive a special ed bus... you know, the short one. I teach my kids to yell 'Yeehaw!' 'Chickenbutt!' 'Shove yer hoffa!' and sing Supertramp songs.", |
|
"from": "fleabomber@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "best quote from my sister\n\n'pack another one' she said\n\ni look and find that its the corner bag blues...sigh...'well, do you wanna pack a little now and the rest later?'\n\nshe stares at me shocked....\n\n'would you rather get a little high twice....or really stoned once?'\n\nahhh, pure wisdom passed down from your elders.....", |
|
"from": "nw_boy_toy@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "what the hell do you think you are doing she screamed at them\noh ya know\nshooting junk and beating up nuns said he without missing a beat\nmike blew a snot he laughed so hard\nthey both were screwed now but the blaze of glory\nah the blaze", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was reading lowbrow moments and stumbled on one of my own, from several months ago. I laughed. I had forgotten. It made me feel very grateful for my present unemployment.", |
|
"from": "dlowe@pootpoot.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i would be such a dungeons and dragons dork if only i knew how to play.", |
|
"from": "ilbeyrjoeyramone@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "do you know that with a good radio scanner you can hear cordless telephone concversations, set it to 900.000 and let it rip,man my neighbors are keeping me from hitting the brow", |
|
"from": "betterthanspringer@Ilisten.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Then he yelled ' Hey, kid ! want some porno!?!?' as he flung the magazine out the window of the moving car, at the poor kid on the bike.", |
|
"from": "LimeTimeTV@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I looked at the box of vanilla ice cream in the freezer; my eyes dart back to the six pack in my hand.\n\nNothing beats a Vanilla Beer Float.", |
|
"from": "__@_" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Am I the only skinny guy who finds chubby girls sexy?\n\nIf I like them, than why do I always get rejected by them? Do I make them feel bad?", |
|
"from": "herbiekornfield@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Not to sound gay, but there is nothing funnier than watching my neighbor (an obese ogre) masturbate while crying to himself.", |
|
"from": "jolly@fatty.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "nothing stops an irate mother from knocking the freckles off her kid than a quick\nhowever untrue\nstatement like\nim from the department of children youth and families\nand a pen and pad with some scribble on it\nswitch to decaf\ntake more xanax\nbut if i see you smack that kid one more time i might just beat your ass in front of him to show you how it feels\nnot very humane\ni know\nshe was probably beaten herself\nbut\ni just cant stand watching that shit", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "some people like to mix their antidepressants and alcohol with a couple of whiffs of some zooted humbolt co killer green buds for giggles\ni like mixing lowbrow with dangermouse cartoons no volume while cranking helmut or vintage ramones\nmaybe a makersmark for good measure\nits all quote\ndrugs\nendquote if you think about it", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I had to piss really bad when we got back to the dorm. It was late, I was drunk, so I walked into the study lounge and pissed in the middle of the floor with the lights out.", |
|
"from": "slipnspidey@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "If you use a pocketknife to dig a hole in a superball, then insert a firecracker, then light the firecracker...those little bits of high-speed rubber will raise small red welts on your face.", |
|
"from": "vice@mightywombat.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "ever fed a pig bacon?\nthey love that shit.\n", |
|
"from": "bastardbob@earthlink.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "yesterday:\n\nwanting to make a good impression on our first time, i resolved to go down on her untill she came b/4 we actually did *it*.\n\ntoday: two and a half hours is more than i was prepared for...my tongue is so tired that i have said nothing all day.\n\nUpside? she paged me 3 times by noon.\n\nShit, I hope she will not expect that everytime.", |
|
"from": "veritas_01@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was reading a post here that read 'If water were beans I would be 70% beans.' But beans have water, so there would be beans IN THE FUCKING BEANS! A never ending cycle of ever smaller beans would result!\n\nLogic, my drug of choice.", |
|
"from": "comradegiant@japan.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was 15, helping mom get ready for dinner, peeling potatoes in the kitchen.\n\nFinding a long, thin potato, I held it up and said:\n\n'Look Mom! A dick-tater!'\n\nI still laugh about it.", |
|
"from": "toasted_thursday@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "As I rushed for the bathroom, I heard my roommate plead through a mouthful of chewing tobacco,\n'I thought you knew I was using that Coke bottle as a spitter.'", |
|
"from": "chewer@kodiak.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I hate telemarketers. Unscrupulous fucks who will say anything to separate you from your money. Someone once told me that they are timed on their calls - so whenever a telemarketer calls, I act interested and then ask them to hold on a moment. Then I time them to see how long they will wait before hanging up. My record is seven minutes and twenty-two seconds. That one is going to be a bitch to beat.", |
|
"from": "pinchy@sshole.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "my parents call my little brother there\n'little suprise' there puting a good spin on the condom brakeing. i call him\nthe 'little mistake'", |
|
"from": "buttplag@ouch!.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "This friend of mine was in a meeting one day with half her company listening to some stuff about 'Creating a Respectful Workplace'. Then all of a sudden, this Human Resources guy opens up a can of creamstyle corn and starts slurping it like a 5 year old drinking soup.\n\nHe then asks if she wanted any. My friend said that was OK. She already ate and was probably no longer hungry after all that.\n\nI wonder if he understood the irony of the situation being the type of meeting it was.", |
|
"from": "sead.hrboy@ssfchem.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i got stuck in a residence hall known for the wild parties thrown every night. unfortunately, i have an 8 AM class, so instead of being up all night partying, i sleep. one night there was a heavy downpour, and the next morning the ground was soaked... there were even puddles under the stairways where i know no rain could get to.... when i left for class the next morning, i had one thought - 'nothing beats the smell of fresh urine in the morning'", |
|
"from": "sober@college.edu" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "It started my junior year of high school. Zack Morris was in a movie. He got stoned, he got laid & he said 'fuck.' Then last week he had a gun & he had joined up w/ NYPD Blue. The final straw was last Friday w/ his guest appearance on SVU. Zack Morris had a porn star wife. Not only that, he took it up the ass for money. As my childhood dreams crumpled, i wondered if maybe i just watch too much tv.", |
|
"from": "cllantz@olemiss.edu" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "So i was messing around with this girl, and she was a christian. she didnt want to have sex. I told her Jesus forgives you for your sins its ok!\n\ni got laid! THANK YOU JESUS!\n\n\namen", |
|
"from": "jj@ilovedoublej.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "this shock chick who digs intimidating innocent people\nespecially ones she doesnt know\nstruts into a room and starts a rather loud q and a with this quiet nermal type guy who was sitting on the couch and minding his own b\ni didnt know the guy but he wasnt fucking with anyone and just sitting there digging the james brown cd\nthe only thing he said was\nthe musics too low\nso what do you think about autoeroticism\nshe says and the convo in the room dies instantly\nwell stacey says he\nshe pales\nshe didnt know the guy knew her name\ni think having your little sister suck me off in your moms cierra was a hoot\nand\nof course\nthe inevitable high velocity beer douching of my nostrils\n", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was driving at the crack of dawn and saw a dying rabbit on the road. I passed it up and flipped a U-Turn.\n\nRabbits are kinda hard to wash off.", |
|
"from": "x.clue.sive@excite.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I just finished the rest of the bottle of vodka, only two drinks and i still want more. Being the lazy alcoholic fuck i am I think ill take a shot of nyquill. Eh maybe not ill have a mixed drink with nyquill and say...Hawaiian Punch. yeah thats it.", |
|
"from": "paul_pikasso@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The light at the end of the tunnel is a brilliantly illuminated scoreboard that says God 7, Humans 2.\n\n", |
|
"from": "johnstrasse7@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "mussolini once said 'a battle is not lost untill you have given up on it in your head' or something along the lines of that.\n\ni wonder if he was thinking that when they hung him by his ankles and cut his guts out in a town square", |
|
"from": "comradeinarms666@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "we thought the smell was from the piles of dog crap that lined the streets in southie\nthe sea mammal then recalled the bacon in the bottom of the fugly fridge that had been defunct for a week\nok\nyou grab the fridge door and open the crisper i ll grab the bacon with these tongs and chuck the whole mess into toy hell\nlaunch\nthe decaying plastic ruptured spraying a bileous green plasma all over the broken toys in the lot next door\nit was victory\nbut\nvictory has it odor\n", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Several years ago I had sex with this really fat girl who is now married to a pedophile and has herpes. All the years in between I have been getting mocked by my friends endlessly about this incident.\n\nSo we have made a deal. If strip to my boxers, coat myself in cheese powder, and run around downtown screaming that I had been 'flavour blasted' and getting people to lick me, I will never hear about the fat girl again.\n\nI am seriously considering it.", |
|
"from": "logicalfalsehood@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i was at a friends house one day i was chillin alone in one room of the house listening to nirvana by my self. then my other friend walks in to talk to me and as she leaves turns out the lights. then her the brother of the house comes in saying that me and the girl are 'doing it' so, to further elaberate this, i unzip and un button my pants, thinking that some other person is going to walk in and laugh. then, my friends mother walks in and sees my pants unzipped, and walks away. i didnt think much of it until my friend walked out of the room and saw the mother shaking her head and mumbling to herself. oh well.", |
|
"from": "mylittlepony@fantacyland.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "dates are not important\nbut at one point i could drink more than most people i knew\ni would be the last one standing at parties and massive drinkathons\ni was ohso proud\nthen went to a party and there were four guys who could drink as much as me\nwe all have kids now and dont drink an eighth of what we used to\nbut those guys have been my friends for over fifteen years\nwhen you ascribe the devil to objects it just pisses satan off\ncheers", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "If I had an extra arm or two, I think I would get just as much work done -but I would smoke and drink more.", |
|
"from": "snikrepkire@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Remember that show about summer camp, Salute Your Shorts? On one episode, the gang goes on a trip and stops at a gas station bathroom. Donkeylips emerges from the bathroom and says:'Hey guys, you can buy balloons in here!' When I was finally old enough to get the joke I laughed till I cried.\n\nAlso my sister tells me that the tampon machine in the girls bathroom has this graffiti:HOORAY! FREE CIGARS!", |
|
"from": "yeahumm@iguess" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I sat there in my chair, contemplating why God would make a fart that smells like fried chicken.\n\nHow lowbrow of Him.", |
|
"from": "bjr4life@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was interviewed by a fat man with one of those goatee and mustache facial hair patterns that became so popular seven or five or six years ago, a ring of hair around his mouth. It has been my experience that anyone who has this particular style of facial hair nowadays is an asshole. His mouth is like the other hole in his body that has hair around it, and both holes expel the same materials. To me, this facial hairstyle says of the wearer, \"I am a cocky asshole. I have this sinister looking facial hair to signify this. If you address me, I shall scowl at you and stick out my chin, stroking the hair there, thinking of how cool I look.\"", |
|
"from": "bbekier@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My parents never cought me having sex. They did the next best thing though.\n\nOne day my (long-time since) girlfriend and I get back to my parents place, and my parents are on their way out to have the car inspected - a task that seems to always take a few hours.\n\nWell they depart and my GF and I decide we have some time to fool around.\n\nUpstairs my Loudly Vocal GF and I go to my Very old Very Squeeky bed. We were having a great time of it to, probably one of our best sessions - till we hear a noise downstairs.\n\nSo we dress, and we wander downstairs. Low and Behold my parents had decided that this year they were not going to wait for the car as usual... they had just dropped it off and came right home!\n\nSo there the four of us were standing in our kitchen trying to act normal.... except for the fact that my mother did not look directly at either of us... and my dad was grinning like an idiot the entire time.", |
|
"from": "Child_o_Gaia@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "An old girlfriend of mine used to drool in her sleep. She would soak the whole goddamn pillow if not awoken. Whenever she slept really close to me and had her head at an angle, it would soak the side of my shirt (or bare chest in the summer) given enough time.\n\nIt really turned me on.", |
|
"from": "the.chosen@priest.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I find guys who claim to 'fuck all night long' obnoxious. What girl wants to be fucked all night long? The ones with leather vaginas?\n\nAn hour will do boys.", |
|
"from": "thecutenerdgirl@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "you no the pepsi 'blue' and mountain dew 'code red' have you ever thought that thats some gang related shit", |
|
"from": "whitemandingo420@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "'may the road rise up to meet you'\nsay the irish\nbut somehow the floor rises to meet me more often", |
|
"from": "wacktoid@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "me and a buddy went to wallys in boston late to hear open mike nite\nthey have the best talent wailing like its their only shot at the spotlight\nwe drank a pile of rollingrocks played nicely with others and left two twenties as a tip\nthe tender called us drunken white trash\nwe were", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "saw this on a public toilet wall.\n\n\n' but is it cheese ? '\n\nreply:\n\n'when cum has hardened it can be grated '\n", |
|
"from": "hardened@cheese.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "For Chrissakes, where can a person even GET stirrup pants in the 21st century?!?!?! I wish I had the balls to ask her.", |
|
"from": "surroundedbyidiots@work.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "my brother tried the frozen bee leash pet thing once. only it was a wasp. he put it in a plastic cup and shoved it into the freezer for a while.\n\ni heard him take it out, though it didnt really click because i was watching tv.\n\nafter a few minutes i went into the kitchen for a drink and i see the wasp tied with floss to a butcher knife.\n\nfor a crazy moment i visualized seeing that wasp flying around the house, using the attached knife to slaughter everyone inside.\n\ni snapped back to reality, he comes back to see if the wasp has woken up yet. i hear scuffling.\n\nthen i hear 'OH GOD! ITS LOOSE!' and the plastic cup slams down again. 'i got you this time, you piece of shit wasp!'\n\nslightly disturbed, i hear the freezer door slam again.\n\nlater, he took the sleeping wasp outside with the floss tied around its middle.\n\nhe pulled the two ends of the floss until the wasp popped in half, laughing maniacally the whole time.", |
|
"from": "d@veinabox.gov" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "After leaving the movie theater at 1:30a.m. my friend spoke to me thusly, and I quote:\n\n'Look Bill, this is Italian, it comes from Germany'\n\nMy other friend and I laughed so hard we nearly pissed ourselves.", |
|
"from": "Blackdeath1327@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I ate at an asian restaurant today with some coworkers.\nCome time for fortune cookies everyone read their fortunes aloud. On my turn I looked down at my fortune and voiced, 'Not only did your girlfriend leave you, your cat is going to die.'\nIt surprised me that all of them reached to pull the slip of paper from my hands to read it.", |
|
"from": "zyir@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I used to masturbate staring at a picture of David Lee Roth I had tacked to my ceiling", |
|
"from": "tortoise125@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I must have been 13. I was at my friends small birthday party. We were sitting in front of the TV watching Species. As Natasha Henstridge showed her bossom for a brief second I yelled real loud:\n'This is the best fucking scene! I love this scene! Look at those tits!'\nMy friend said my name spitefully and rolled his eyes in the direction of his mother and her friends eating cake which I had not noticed before I opened my mouth...", |
|
"from": "timsiqin@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "it was summer, and i was a 15 year old weighing in at about 130 pounds. i drank half a bottle of vodka by myself, and the guys and i smoked about 3 bowls. we were about 2 miles down the beach from my house when it got ugly. my legs gave out on me on a very high set of wooden stairs leading to the beach, and i fell all the way down and wasnt able to get back up. they poured buckets of sea water on me over and over to keep me from passing out, since it was fairly obvious i had alcohol poisoning. after about half an hour, i threw up 3 times all over their dog. he turned orange, and i laughed. i was in that drunken emotional loving haze, and i told them i loved them and that we would never drink again. about a week later, we got absolutely plastered. being young and stupid is the best.", |
|
"from": "lifeforateen@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "she was six years older than me and i was a highschool dweeb\nshe drove me home from a play we both saw\nshe being an art student at risd asked me if there were any artists i like and i told her that i liked mcescher i did i still do\nshe told me she had a few of his prints\ni asked her if she wanted to see the prints in my room\nshe laughed i didnt know why at the time\nnothing like the first time\nescher still makes me wiggle", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I just read a moment written by someone who watched with sick fascination as a guy did that 'tongue kissy' thing with a dog like in Something About Mary.\n\nI think she was talking about me.\n", |
|
"from": "dogbreath@intsobad.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "no matter where you go - city, small town, etc - there is always a sketchy bar or a dubious diner called the 'tip top', and they always rock?", |
|
"from": "tyger@lowbrow.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "my roomate must puke in the toilet a lot or have some toxic shits because in the first 3 months he lived with me the bowl was stained worse than in a whole year with my previous roomate.\nso about 5 months too late i invest in 2000 flushes blue, thinking it might help.\nnope. all it does is make out toilet nastier, seeming more like a port-a-john than ever before, with the opaque, mysterious blue liquid.\nand the stains are still there.", |
|
"from": "erfatron@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My friend and I were at the Petrified Forest gift shop, and they had this huge stone tabletop for sale for, like, $5000.\n\nAnd my friend says, 'Wow! Can you believe that this table used to be a tree?'\n\nAnd I said, 'Well, technically, most tables used to be trees.'", |
|
"from": "john_clavis@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "She said 'All you do is think with your dick'.\n\nI said 'So how about blowing my mind sometime?'", |
|
"from": "hah@hah.hah" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "When I worked for a vet I had my male and female cat fixed. I brought the uterus and testicals home in formadahyde and placed them on the windowsill of my diningroom. On one evening we had a guest who asked what they were. He could not finish his dinner. I thought this was odd.", |
|
"from": "Denese@ix.netcom.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The best sexual partners are gals who are:\n\n1. embarrassed about having certain kinds of sex\n\n2. have doubts about their physical appearance\n\n3. downwplay their sexuality in the way they dress\n\n4. are intelligent\n\n5. have imagination\n\n6. have a sense of humor", |
|
"from": "tastykisser@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i love listening to teenagers bitch said the kid shrink\nlike theyve had enough mileage to complain about anything\nid like to see some of these snots in twenty years\nill switch to treating adults cos this batch of wusses are all gonna need help when they realize the hafta actually\ndo bold font italics\nsomething with their lives\n\nits fucking job security i tell you like being a mechanic that specializes in cheap japanese cars\n", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Can a person change their life in one day? After rolling a joint, pointing to my balls and spending two hours reading 'moments' at low brow.com. I figure there is something he can do.", |
|
"from": "Korrupt@KINC.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "sitting in bio class talking about gymnosperm reproduction(evergreen trees mainly). Teacher mentions that pollen from these trees is pretty much tree sperm. Dumb bitch whore raises her hand and says, 'i have trouble breathing when i get all that sperm in my throat'\n\nunbelievably it takes her five minutes to get what she has just said", |
|
"from": "three_guilts@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was at a German Restaurant trying to read this menu that was completely in German. Im english and have no idea what any of it says, so i reach over to the side without looking to tap my girlfriend on the shoulder to get her to translate what it says.\n\nI then notice, 'hmmmm her shoulder feels too soft to be a shoulder'. I then look over to find im poking her breast with both her parents looking at me like im a complete lunatic.....Germany rules.", |
|
"from": "ugh9@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i have these fake playboy bunny ears.\n\nhe has a santa hat left over from christmas.\n\nhe wanted me to wear the ears.\n\nso i made him wear the hat.\n\nhalfway through the act i had this fucked up mental image of santa claus doing the easter bunny and burst out laughing", |
|
"from": "melysa@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I read that the Australians built the largest fence in the world, it goes thousands and thousands of miles. They built it to keep out rabbits.\n\nWho runs that country anyway?\n\nElmer Fudd?", |
|
"from": "look@me.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Watching Gallagher on TV for an hour.\n\n\n\n\n\nSeeing your parents at the Gallagher show your watching on TV\n\n\n\n", |
|
"from": "negative@vein.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My idea of a bummer:\n\nPicking a huge booger and then nowhere to wipe.\n\nAnd too sticky to fling.", |
|
"from": "dingus@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "After I took a leak, she asked 'did you wash your hands after touching your penis?'\n\n'Yes,' I replied.\n\nShe proceded to give me the best head I have ever gotten.", |
|
"from": "idislikeyou@msn.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My cousin went on an interview and went to the bathroom . When he came out of the bathroom, he had toliet paper hanging out of his pants.", |
|
"from": "cjones05@snet.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "There was this guy on the bus who was always rubbing his crotch, like, out in the open? And he was reading this Curious George book in a phony, gravelly voice. Then he yells, 'I WAS SUNKEN ON THE McCLINTOCK!'", |
|
"from": "clytle@scn.org" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I flew across the U.S. in 1993, in the middle of the biggest Midwest flood in decades.\nThe captain was in a chatty mood, pointing out landmarks along the way.\nHe came back on again, telling us that if we now looked down to the left, we could see the Gulf Of St. Louis.", |
|
"from": "LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I am an American of Chinese descent. Please do not call me Chinese. I do not like Chinese food. NY Jews eat more Chinese food than I do. I have never been to China. I dated a Chinese woman for the first time at age 32. When I ask 'real' Chinese to please speak English, they give me dirty looks. I have a cousin who hates NYC cuz there are too many chinese there. Yes, she is also an American of Chinese descent", |
|
"from": "joblow@schoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Mullet Haiku\n\nMullet hanging long\nSweeping it out of my eyes\nMullets are bitchen!", |
|
"from": "mulletdude@thebarber.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "BMW... Check\nRolex... Check\nCustom Made Outfit... Check\n\nHow the fuck did I manage to get into a barfight at the semi-local pub and almost lose? My original intentions were to go for some groceries and saunter around the supermarket.\n", |
|
"from": "Locutus@f.borg" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Whatever you do don't let your Pyscho girlfriend get next to a BMW M5 with a handful of eggs on Halloween. Yeah we were in a Honda, there was no getting away. When we thought we had lost them we were wrong, they pulled up with a gun and fired 3 shots in the air. After 4 hours of being chased we finally lost them. I slept with my back to her that night.", |
|
"from": "TypeR310@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "One night I had left my computer on while I was around my house doing other things. I came back to see an IM from my boyfriend that said 'What do you want for your birthday?' About 20 minutes or so had passed since I had received the IM. I responded with 'I want you naked for my birthday.' About a minute later, I got an IM back from my boyfriend that said 'guess who was using the computer when your IM popped up'. I really didnt want to know, however he proceeded to tell me that his mom was using the computer, and she wanted to know what was # 2 on the list. I was so embarrassed!", |
|
"from": "elizabeth.heine@verizon.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Whilst taking a relaxing piddle at the office one day, my boss came in and turned beet red and started yelling at me--'What the hell is this?' What the hell is what, I thought to myself, as I slowly realised that instead of doing the typical downward push of the unzipped pants, my recent weight loss had caused me to drop-trou completely and I was taking a handsfree piss, my hands stretched out on either side of the urinal. Bareass. My response?\n'Well, I was hoping for a promotion.'", |
|
"from": "CRTWarrior@antisocial.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i had been out and about the last couple of nights and was unable/ unwilling to change my cloths or shower for 3 nights in a row. Thanks to 'shower in a can' (deodorant) i have managed to keep my odor under controll. anyway i get changed to have a shower and wash the inch thick crap of my skin. and as i remove my boxers i find myself brining them to my nose and smelling them.\ni paused, naked holding my filthy sweaty boxer shorts halfway to my face.\nWhat have i become?\nI smelled them anyway and was plesantly suprised. smelled like smokey bacon chips and piss", |
|
"from": "Nihilist@void.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "She came and went a way but my eyes were still waiting\n\nWhat i will always remember is those sweet delicate nipples.", |
|
"from": "najsy25@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My brother and I got lost walking doen the alleys of portugaul going back to the hotelfrom a Pearl Jam concert. After having indulged in a bit too mcu alcohol I finally had to squat behind a car. About mindstream headlights hit me. Between the platforms i had on, my pants beind around my ankles, and the hurry of trying to move I ended up peeing all over my leg and new shoes.\nMy brother started laughing at me so hard he fell over in the ditch. long night.\n", |
|
"from": "princessin@af.hell" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "They started stocking the company fridge with free orange juice, but I still mostly drank coke or coffee.", |
|
"from": "david@pootpoot.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i woke up this morning at 6:35. i wanted to go back to sleep, but this was not an option.\n\nso i took a bonghit and got in the shower.", |
|
"from": "not@telling.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "remember\nwhen the dogs teeth are a couple inches deep in your leg\nno matter what you think of mans best friend\nits time to kill the dog\nperiod", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Thirty minutes ago I blew my nose into some toliet paper and tossed it into the bowl without flushing.\n\nI just took a piss, and (being a guy) aimed at the floating paper and tore it up with the stream. My urine was quite yellow...I need to drink more water.\n\nWhen I was done, the yellow urine and the shredded toliet paper looked just like a fucking bowl of egg-drop soup.", |
|
"from": "woodsman@180.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Sitting at my desk fri morning...hung over and feeling like crap after a night out with co workers..which ended with me having sex with the guy who sits next to me....\nand tripping cause I feel more guilty for cheating on my boyfriend than I do for cheating on my husband....", |
|
"from": "juice@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "JESUS! What the hell was that? Are you OK? I said as I awoke to the bed shaking....\n\n'A personal moment' she responded, ' Now go back to sleep.'", |
|
"from": "duh!wakeup@missedthefun.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Definitely NOT the Waldorf Astoria!\n\nHaving driven from Cincinnatti to Kent, Ohio, I was worn out. I found a hotel and made my way to my room.\nIn the closet, there was a panel that covered some ductwork that was embedded in the wall, but the panel was askew. Curious as to what was inside, I slid the panel back. I found a penis pump and a tube of Astroglide.\nI phoned the front desk and asked if sex toys were complimentary with the room, and the girl at the desk was obviously confused by the queation. I explained the situation to her. She and another girl came to my room and removed the Astroglide and the penis pump, and after they left, I spent the rest of the evening chuckling to myself at their expressions.", |
|
"from": "TenTigers@shreddin.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "if your mother was fat and listened to Lionel Ritchie would you love her less as opposed to when she was thin and listened to Aerosmith?", |
|
"from": "pseudowankenobi@hotmail .com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "tip #3 On how to keep a man:\n\nA good BJ at the MINIMUM once a week, if you do more, you are so money... and make sure you swallow, a good girl always cleans the plate.", |
|
"from": "serialkiller@livejournal.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "once i was eating a ham sandwitch and someone told a joke and i laughed so hard that ham came out through my nose.", |
|
"from": "jasonstromgoss@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "What kind of cruel trick has god played on man whereby everything that tastes so good, that one could gorge oneself on, results in either obesity or early death?", |
|
"from": "xxlarge@weightwatchers.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My father, during 'the talk,' described sex as 'a pole and a hole in the ground'\n\nI shit you not.", |
|
"from": "unreal@fakedaddress.org" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "walking through the supermarket,\nI glanced at the magazines on the rack as I passed. I was most surprised to find Cheryl Crow in sexy undies on the cover of Stuff. Shit! I couldnt believe that I was gettin stiff over her. I never knew that her body was that hot!\nI tossed the magazine in the cart, made a quick detour to isle 4, picked up some lotion and headed for home to torture my prick.\nOn the way home I caught myself singing ...'all I wanna do is have some fun'...", |
|
"from": "unluckybastrd@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was at a strip club, in Virginia where they have to wear panties and bra, when looking across the T shaped stage I notice one of the dancers sitting on a table. She was talking to some friends and raised her legs up a bit and it became evident that she was wearing no panties under her short leather skirt. Facinated (I am always facinated by pussy, no matter how much I see it) I make eye contact and smile. She proceeds to give me a beaver show from across the room. I am enjoying myself. She drifts over to my side of the bar,and as she walks past, I touch her arm and aske her 'Did you forget to put on your panties again'? She smiles sweetly and says she loves the way it feels. She sits down on the stool next to me and we chat for awhile as she gives me covert peeks at her pussy. I compliment her on the beauty of her pussy lips. The pudgy little neo-maxi-zoom-dweeby in the stool on the other side of her is about to simultaneously pull his joint out and start flogging while having a stroke. In pent up sexual frustration he forces his way into the conversation hoping to charm her with his steamed up glasses, sweat shiny face and stale beer breath. Soon, she must get up to dance her set. He says to me 'She was showing us her pussy! That was bare pussy!' To him I say, 'No shit'. I did not get to fuck her, but neither did he.", |
|
"from": "yaakantler@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The sound a cat makes right before it vomits is extremely surreal.", |
|
"from": "biology@sucks.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "In the restroom at a club, Unknown guy walks up to me claps me on the back 'lotta chicks here tonight huh?'\n\nSo here it is, never touch a stranger when he is 'at bat' in front of the urinal.\n\n-at the sink?-sure... while drying your hand -yes, alright... anywhere in the 'on deck' area, yeah, well - okay, if you must...'at bat', no. There is no touching 'at bat'.\n\nThat is just wrong, okay? Questions?", |
|
"from": "unluckybastrd13@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I just used [insert the name of an online grocery delivery business here] to prepare for Y2K.\n\nThere is something wrong with that, somehow.", |
|
"from": "tyger@lowbrow.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "On a long car trip me and the two other guys each take turns emptying our full bladders into an empty sobe bottle.\n\nWe poured it all over the side door of a family mini van in a taco bell parking lot.", |
|
"from": "foreward2death@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Your search - 'i am fucking lonley' - did not match any documents.\n\n\nThe alternate search- 'i am fucking lonely' - also did not match any documents.", |
|
"from": "betterliving@throughtechnology" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "showed up at work with:\nno makeup\nno shower\nno deodorant\nno bra\nhalf my uniform.\nWhy yes, i really *do* care about my job.", |
|
"from": "yellininmyear@your-house.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "what do we do what do we do dennis asks ina panic\nrun i tell him", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Today I did laundry.\n\nI was out of socks to jizz in.\n\nI need a box of kleenex", |
|
"from": "crustysocks@yourmom.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "We were talking about going to the Doctor and how we hate wearing the paper robe the sterile smell etc. One of my friends added,\n\n'Yeah and I hate when they make you take off all of your clothes, hunch down, and quack like a duck.'\n\nWe never talked about doctors with him again.", |
|
"from": "capital_zero@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Lots of times the only way I can piece together last night is from the pile of dishes in the sink and list of numbers called on my phone.", |
|
"from": "realproud@killingmyselfslowly.gov" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I have a friend who once told me that if he could suck himself off that he would never leave the house, as the whole point to leaving the house was to find someone who could do it for him.\nHe also told me that he wished it was socially acceptable for men to wear skirts - easier access to himself.\nI slept with him anyway.", |
|
"from": "lahaley@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i was in the shower when i started to think of some really kinky shit\n\nso i put the shower nozzle on massage and got my self off\n\ni came so hard i almost passed out\n\ngot out of the shower and toweled off\n\nthen i stood there bone dry feeling like an asshole because i realized i never got around to using any soap.\n\ni bet my boyfriend wants to know why i take two showers within ten minutes huh?\n", |
|
"from": "wet@showertime.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Some of these brows are a little sacreligious.\n\nI wish my sac had its own religion.\n\nSac-religion: worship my sac.", |
|
"from": "bukowski73@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I have to stop swearing so much.\n\nAs a cart-pusher, I tend to get very irate about this one cart corral, as the carts ALWAYS get stuck when I pull them out.\n\nThis once got me irate to the point that I stomped around the parking lot swearing under my breath.\n\nAt least, I THOUGHT it was under my breath.\n\nLooked up to see two women.\n\n'Jam your fingers?'\n\n'Uh...yeah...'\n\nI went back to work.", |
|
"from": "W@lmart.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "back in the 1980s when cable t.v.first graced suburbia the cable company gave each customer the same remote control,being a teenager at the time me and my buddies used to smoke and drink and change peoples channels for them,shit you could even turn it on in the middle of the night .one night we got caught,the cops thought we were so clever they let us keepour mickys bigmouths.", |
|
"from": "anthonymaddaloni@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "It occurs to me ....\n\nthere is no situation in which the 2 words 'giddyup bitch' can be used together without causing serious trouble.", |
|
"from": "blu@mcluhan.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "When I was 7 we moved out of our house. I was determined not to go. I was going to live with my then bestfriend/next door neighbor. So she and I hid in the bushes in front of my house. I solmly vowed to stay with her, and not to move away.\nThen, my father walked by the bushes calling my name.\nHe said, 'Amanda, come get in the moving truck!'\nI giggled, I was NOT going.\nThen I noticed he carried a small box.\nHe called again, 'Amanda, if you get in the truck now you can have a jelly doughnut!'\n\n\nI ran to the truck and vaulted in.", |
|
"from": "Vibrations@ElectricPenis.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "the power went out..so when i pluged my alarm cock back in; 12 am flashes..so i unpluged it and planed it for weeks that when 12am actualy came around and i pluged it back in my alarm clock would flash the correct time...i missed it on every week for a month...cause i kept forgetting....BUT TONIGHT..i was laying on my bed and remembered....and now my clock flashes 12am at 12am seeing as how it keeps real time and just doesnt flash 12 continually.. now i have the correct time and it flashes YAY ME! : ).....god damn im a loser, somebody shoot me", |
|
"from": "dead_poet_@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "A truancy officer once tried to give me a ticket. While he was asking me information, I kept asking him about his shorts. 'Why are they so tight?' 'Did you order them like that?' 'Do you like wearing tight and tiny biker shorts?' and so on. Apparently, he wrote on the ticket that I was not being cooperative. That guy can go cooperate with......\n\nDEEEEEEZ NUUUUUUUUUUTS!", |
|
"from": "the_man_with_no_pants_on@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Father/Daughter moment:\n\nwhen your Dad tells you to put a sweater on, you know he accidently checked you out.", |
|
"from": "inconsequential@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "When I first started going to the gym, I used to swim with the senior citizens early in the morning, so there was someone I could be faster than.", |
|
"from": "" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "by far the worst part of being held hostage was the humiliation of it. who else but me would get an erection while tied up and gagged?", |
|
"from": "slapmypenis2000@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I went to this Texaco one time to ask for directions. There was only one person there, and as I aproached the counter, I could see that he was hammered. I decided to buy a map instead of ask questions. While searching for the right map, he went into the back, and came out about 30 seconds later, now wearing different pants, and an undershirt instead of the Texaco shirt. When I again approached the counter to pay for the map, I realized that he had shit on his pantleg, on his shirt, and in his hand.\nI gave him $5 for a $2.79 map.\n\n'keep the change' said I on my way to the new can of sani-wipes in my rental car.", |
|
"from": "Giveitasniff@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Do vegans breastfeed their babies?", |
|
"from": "kell_h0und@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "She stormed in my house and threw the ring at me, and it landed promptly in my Cheerios.\n\nThis would be the last time, she said. The last time I would hurt her, I would use her. I would never play with her heartstrings again. I would never be able to play with her emotions in the horrible ways that I have so far. And then, she leaves. She walks away forever, and I can only ask two questions, as I sit there in shock.\n\nWho the fuck was that?\n\nAnd what did she have against my cheerios?", |
|
"from": "watcher@retardsrule.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "One time one of the houses in the neighborhood burned down. I never knew the real reason why, but one of my friends told me that the owner had fallen asleep while sleeping in the bathtub. Before that I had never heard of anyone bathing in lighter fluid.", |
|
"from": "me@me.me" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I just got done eating 12 a bag of flaming hot cheetos.\n\nMy nose itches.\n\nNever, EVER itch your nose with flaming hot cheeto powder on your fingers. Fuck.", |
|
"from": "fuckingow@damnit.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i had just gotten off shift and my head pounded from the idiocy of others who are in this world to help others as the call it\nself medication via alcohol was really the only objective i had the desire for\nthe red bat phone looking telephone rang it never had before\ni thought how odd that someone would be calling the toothless old man bar on a tuesday night its empty its me and two chainsmokers that i dont think ive seen before\nthe man of immense girth with the pop out turkey thermometer belly button walks my way calls my name and hands me the phone\nok\nfirst who the hell knows im here\nsecond who the hell knows that phone number\nthird how the hell did that bartender know my name\nguess its time to move\n", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "ok\nneed a map every morning\nwhich is the fucking right side of the bed again\ndamn thing keeps changing\nalright\nwhos getting their jollies moving my furniture around\nquestionmark", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The girl was so nice, taking the time to stop and make change for our 10 dollar bill so we could pay the parking meter.\n\nI almost felt bad for having used it to wipe after pissing behind the dumpster 20 minutes prior.\n", |
|
"from": "anneominous@anonymous.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "A really simple, practical reason that pot is superior to booze:\n\nthink about how much booze you can comfortably carry, say, up a mountain, or through a forest. A six-pack? How long does that last?\n\nNow think about how much pot you could carry without breaking a sweat, towards that same peak, or along that same route. You could get the whole fucking high with what you could fit in your change pocket.\n\nPlus, no hangovers. Fuck booze.", |
|
"from": "john_clavis@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Under the heading of Things We Should NEVER Have To See: The woman that the neighborhood refers to as 'Sasquatch' (and rightly so), standing in her front yard wearing micro-shorts and a tube top, holding up her tiny rat-dog in one hand and wiping its ass with the other. Where the hell is my camera when I need it?", |
|
"from": "cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I started young.\n\nI was in Florida and was about 15. Met a guy and ended up hanging out with him for a few days. He had a car and I was 15, cute and wanted to be mobile--so it was convenient.\n\nWe were drinking champagne because all of the hard stuff was gone. Just drinking and cruising. He was telling me about his stupid ex-girlfriend who never took the liquor out of the car last time they had a drinking and driving accident.\n\nAbout 5 minutes later I put my foot up on the dash to fix my high-heel ankle strap. He must have been paying more attention to all the leg exposed under my miniskirt because we ran a light and had a full-on collision with another car.\n\nFirst thing I thought was--'Shit, get the liquor out of the car!' Piled it all in my big-ass pocketbook and ran with it to the nearest garbage can before the cops arrived. As I was dumping it in the car I heard someone say my name. Being in a town and state I had never been in before I turned around.\n\nThis total stranger cursed me out, by name. I have never seen him before but apparently my antics are renowned.\n\nNow that I have a few more years experience, and have traveled--I wonder how many people hate me a real lot now?\nThe thought makes me smile when the day is cold and rainy.\n", |
|
"from": "cceden@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Thowing rancid eggs at tents at a camp ground at 3AM for no particular reason, and some guy decides he wants a little vigilante justice, and chases us. We were on bikes, and were content being chased. We let him hover about 50 feet behind us. After about 15 minutes of this, it got old, so we pelted him with some leftover eggs. Then we went back to his tent, and covered it with whatever we had left.\n\nThe lowbrow part is we worked at the camp ground, and were the ones that he reported the incident to. Sadly, we never found the culprits.", |
|
"from": "ezra@hiphopcanada.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Sarah and I were in WalMart one latelatelate night. She wanted to grab douche and tampons...typical period-type shopping trip. I wandered over to the body wash while she was picking up tampons, and ran into about 23948023984 people just wandering aimlessly about the isle. Going back to Sarah, I realized she had migrated to the douche. Struck by inspiration:\n\n'Grab the fresh scent! JD likes that one.' (Elkabilly accent and extremely loud.)\n\nI think I embarassed her...but the people in the next isle were more so.", |
|
"from": "ChaoticEpiphany@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "As my wife was driving myself and a buddy home from the bars one night, I rolled down my window behind the passenger seat, where my buddy was, and puked out the window.\n\nWe were going about 70, so the spew flew all over the outside of my jeep, from window to tail light, and the wind blew the spew back in, coating the trunk area with a chunky coat of vomit.\n\nAt least I felt better.", |
|
"from": "afpjr@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "so my (male) friend was sitting on a ledge, legs spread, my other (also male) friend sitting between them. john (the first one) jokingly says 'okay, its time to hump david (the other one) again. david missed this comment and a few seconds later, completely unknowingly says 'okay, something just poked me, and im bleeding'. those of us that only heard the comments and didnt see anything had no idea he was talking about his arm...", |
|
"from": "rubberduckey@sexwithchickens.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My first wife left me for another woman.\n\nMoved in with her, became lovers.\n\nHumiliating?\n\nOnly for a day or two -- I soon found out that the only reason the Other Woman (Hi, Cathy Schultz!) invited my wife to stay with her was so that she could legitimately get at me.", |
|
"from": "limbo@IJustGotFired.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Erotic is using a feather, Kinky is using the whole damn Chicken!", |
|
"from": "in@love.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I use MSG as a seasoning.\nPretty tasty.", |
|
"from": "arlo0462@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "K.U.I.\n\n(knitting under the influence.)", |
|
"from": "toss_pie@elvispresley.communist" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "If this blister on my hand was caused my masterbating. Do you honestly think I would be able to walk...Jackass...", |
|
"from": "tta686s@smsu.edu" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Taking a glance around the room, my eyes fell upon the upturned bottle of Mexican beer. All i could see of his face was the underside of shin and with a backdrop of light, curly hair. He continued to hold the bottle to his mouth until the entire bottle was emptied, glug, glug down his throat.", |
|
"from": "" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I trained my little rat dog (italian greyhound..think of the racers, but 12 lb) to attack on the command SOCK PUPPETS!!!\nhe stares at my friends' feet after they take off their shoes\njust shaking\nwaiting\nwith anticipation", |
|
"from": "Duchessfny@mail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I broke a cardinal 'guy rule' a while back...\n\nI told my girlfriend the REAL reason that guys like to open doors for chicks...", |
|
"from": "mictlan69@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "In elementary school they let us color with these scented markers. One day my friend and I decided to lick them to see if they tasted good too. They did. They were damn good. The cinnamon was my favorite. It left a nice dark brown streak on my tongue for the rest of the day. My friend's favorite was cherry so she didn't look nearly as stupid as I did.\nOh well, it did taste good.\nOh yeah, and we licked glue sticks too. The purple ones were the best.\n(Come on, we all know you did it too.)", |
|
"from": "toochickenshit@anotherwhiner.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I live in the rural south. Every year at a place called Blairsville, they have the annual Sorghum (a type of syrup) Festival.\n\nOne year we went there, a huge line had formed at one of the booths. Interested, I went over to see what had everyone so excited. There were people of all ages waiting in line: young teenagers, old men, women, etc.\n\nThey were giving away free chewing tobacco samples.\n\nThe South will rise again.", |
|
"from": "skyhooked@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "jackie o and courtney love had their husbands killed,\n\ntraci lords and kobe tai had their fuckholes drilled.", |
|
"from": "frodisbeam@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I had a blister, caused by a burn, on my middle finger. It had happened earlier that day, but the thing had filled up with liquid to a massive size, more than an eighth of an inch high and three eighths across. All full of liquid.\n\nJust now, in a deranged, stoned frenzy, I squeezed it with my finger, and lanced it with a pin. Motherfucker sprayed all over my face and monitor, and continued to spray for what seemed an impossible length.\n\nI sat there in shock and stared at it. That motherfucker had a lot of liquid in it.", |
|
"from": "seventhseal@shaw.ca" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My boss actually just paged me because his computer was only typing in capital letters.\nI shit you not.", |
|
"from": "snikrepkire@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Heh, I had a friend, worked across from one of the twin towers. As of September 11th no one could figure out where the fuck he was. We had a funeral and everything.\n\nA month later he walks into my other friends apartment. He was upstate fishing. Shithead forgot to tell anyone.\n\nWe could make a movie about somthing like that.", |
|
"from": "Wendigos_avitar@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "my most exciting revelation brought on by lowbrow so far had to have been when I discovered that there is really such thing as pity sex. Thanks for keeping my hopes alive, cheerleaderatyercrotch!", |
|
"from": "dmins_wc@skatepile.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I've been around for a while. Been divorced for 12 years. I stopped looking for 'the love of my life' a long time ago.\n\nI know many long-term marriage people and as of yet, I have not seen the truly contented couple. Seems to me that women pay so much...\n\njust to have a man.", |
|
"from": "exwife@TXexes.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was younger and me and some friends were at the park. They spun me on the roundabout too fast and I shit myself.\nAs I waddled home to clean myself they all started laughing and said that I'd shit myself.\n\nWhen I got back I told them that I hadn't shit myself, I'd pissed myself.\n\nAs if the evacuation of the bowels is in some way an inferior act to the evacuation of the bladder.", |
|
"from": "rodhull_emu@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The woman in front of me at the mini-mart was buying an anti-diarrhea medicine, maxi-pads, and giant size garbage bags.\nI kept my distance.", |
|
"from": "cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I am rarely ever in the car with both my parents at the same time, but today was an exception. We got in the car and started driving, and my dad realizes that the car is in four wheel drive. he cant figure out how to get it out of four wheel drive, so he starts searching for the manuel. he cant find it so he asks my mom to look. She looks in the glove compartement, and nothing is there, so then she looks somewhere in my dads area thinking there may be a little area near him. so she puts her head down right in his genital area. Im sure if anybody drove by and looked in, the thought she was giving him road head...i just laughed to myself", |
|
"from": "mylittlepony@fantacyland.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The man just stood there. he just stood there, motionless, and looking straight ahead as if his eyes were glued on something he saw accross the room. I was going to go over and ask him what he was looking at that was so interesting over there, but when i started to approach him, the sales clerk came up to me and informed me that the clothes on the mannequin were not for sale.", |
|
"from": "nofxsniper@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Worked for this corporation once who decided in light of the downturn of the economy, it would be in bad taste to give anyone raises. Also, that to 'enlighten' us, we would be required to do an assigned 'good deed' weekly.\nMine was watering the plants. I watered them with Clorox.", |
|
"from": "cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My lowbrow moment includes your mom, a inflatible mattress, and her quaking like a goose all night. Quak quak uak. Like a goose. She so nasty.", |
|
"from": "Yourmom@epimp.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I went to this party once and drank a lot.\nLater that night I puked in their toilet and then went outside for some fresh air.\nFifteen minutes later, my friend who I went to the party with came out and handed me my glasses and said, 'Here, I found these in the toilet while I was peeing.' I put them on and enjoyed the rest of the night.", |
|
"from": "GeneralBoy@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The word is spelled, 'cigarette', you illiterate fuckos.", |
|
"from": "cigarette_u@ssholes.org" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i had a cold, i was all flemmy and sick and it was gross. i stayed home from school.\nmy little brother had made some butterflies out of paper and was trying to sell them to my parents for a dollar. the little shit made 7$! so i walked up to my mom, spit in her hand and said 'thats a trial offer, i can get you more for a dollar' well not only did she not buy any, kieran started to cry.\nah good times", |
|
"from": "buggaboo@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I have a beard, its not a very impressive beard, just a basic beard i grew when i left my service in the UN!\n\n\nIt�s about 8 inches long, and because of my viking/scottish heritage, it�s bright red!\n\n\nAbout a year ago i was out driving my old motorcycle, a souped up Triton-67 caf�racer, on the small backroads outside of Stockholm!\n\n\nWhen i cut a corner and raise my head to get a better look, pain suddenly floods through me, my beard got stuck in the throttle, and i am going quite fast, so i lean forward and loose my grip and try to slow down...\n\n\nNope, no way this bike is going to go any slower, my beard has effectivly jammed the throttlehandle, so i do what i have to do, i yank my head backwards as hard as i can!\n\n\nI spend about 30 minutes in a reststop getting the remains of my beard out of my handle, tears still in my eyes!\n\n\nMy beard is now about 3 inches long...\n\n- hertigbrandgul@regerar.com\n�\n�ok dude what is with all the exclamation marks you freak!\nyour beard was obviously not oiled every day.\n\n\n\n�", |
|
"from": "redmuff@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "he told me this in an earnest voice\nthe saddest thing i have heard to date and that i dont think i will ever be able to erase or drink from my memory is\nno mister i dont know how to do that and besides youll get arrested im only fifteen\nthen a pokerface\ni put my cigarette out left with him yelling after me i was only a fucking joke you oversensitive fuck\nwhos got the better pokerface now prick", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Four little words to ruin your day: 'May cause anal leakage.' Goddammit...", |
|
"from": "TenTigers@shreddin.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "there are very few rules of society that will actually restrain a person at wits end\nlaws morals ethics and common practice do little for the father of a disabled girl when he finds out a twenty year old neighborhood brat raped his daughter\nwhen he plots the kids murder is there anyone who can honestly say that there isnt a certain amount of justification\nbang\ndaddy goes to jail\nvindication and justice are two very different things although they smell the same sometimes", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@uknowwhere.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess,he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror-wearing nothing but a camera.", |
|
"from": "samdi@cruel.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "They filed in, one by one: the chick with electric blue hair (oh so obviously a wig), the lanky boy with lankier hair, the potbellied cokebottle glasses guy, the two Gap ad model rejects, the two that seemed out of place.\n\nThe fact that several of them were wearing t-shirts from software companies (jesus, one even had a shirt with a DOS prompt on it) made them instant targets of scorn and ridicule from the table full of hipsters across the room.", |
|
"from": "" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My friend in college bought his computer from a former student, that had just graduated. This graduate was actually on the cover of the course calendar for the college, and was apparently a very good student.\nWhen my friend looked through the hard drive, it was full of child porn", |
|
"from": "OpusUnit@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "imagine wearing dentures and teaching a roomful of highschool students the crusty wench whined at me from the tv\nimagine having to explain yourself to your grandkids with that on your resume", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "So, after about a year of dating, my boyfriend chooses to reveal to me that he used to be an amature wrestler.\n\nNot like... athletic wrestling...\n\nNo. Backyard wrestling. With the costumes and the made-up names. And hitting each other in the faces with shovels and chairs and such.\n\nHe told me he was good until he was forced into retirement from getting too many concussions.\n\nI want my virginity back, please.", |
|
"from": "TrannyBoiShep@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "When I was 17 I got busted for smoking pot at school. My parents tricked me into going to a rehab. After 2 and a half months of that shit, I decided I wanted out...NOW! So I shit in this guys pillow. I was out the next day.", |
|
"from": "somebody_low@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Just received anonymous email from some weenie upset at one of my postings. Let me ask you, was it your cat? your duct tape? your window? No? Then back the fuck off, Mother Teresa.", |
|
"from": "cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was a sergeant in the Royal Air Force Cadets.\n\nEvery year, we visited a RAF airfield for a week. Shot rifles, flew slow little De Havilland Chipmunks ...\n\n...and went out at night in our RAF uniforms and got plastered. If you were 16, looked 16, but wearing an RAF uniform, no questions were asked.\n\nArriving back at the barracks, swaying gently, an incredibly annoying little cadet corporal started getting smart with me.\n\nI held my right hand out in an offer of friendship, then sucker-punched him with my left.\n\nKnocked him clean out.\n\nNext day, I became the only RAF cadet in history to be court-martialled.\n\nPunishment was confinement to barracks for the week.\n\nNext day, alone in the barracks, a Wing Commander dropped by, looking for a volunteer to fly a jet fighter trainer.\n\nI told him I was confined to barracks. He told me he was temporarily releasing me into his custody.\n\nOne hour and 600 miles later, I was back in barracks, grinning from ear to ear...", |
|
"from": "limbo@lowbrow.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "As I was taking my low-brow reading comedy half an hour. I felt a sneeze coming on. So obv, I sneezed, not once but twice..not just the reg 2 times in a row but half way through the first one, The other one came also...leading to snot being flung everywhere. To make matters worse my cat was sitting on my lap. As I look down I see snot hanging from his ear and all over the key board....today has been interesting and it is only 2 pm", |
|
"from": "firsttimer@wtf.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I want so much to slap a goose.\n\nJust to watch it's flimsy neck bend to one side like a tree branch bends in a strong wind and then snap back into place.\n\nAlso I think a beautiful haiku could be written about slapping a goose and watching it's neck bend like the branch of the cherry tree in springtime or something.\n\nPlus one bit me once.", |
|
"from": "absolutpalm@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "So there's a Res meeting after a certain incident at my building. People are drifting into the lounge before the meeting starts, and I park my ass on the floor against the wall, as the only free seat in the room is a chair at a table in the center. So this guy I've talked to before walks up, we say hello. He spies the chair, which is not being used by those officiating the meeting, and hauls it over to next to where I'm sitting. He goes to sit down and discovers that the seat is little more than fabric stretched over a wooden frame, into which he promtly sinks (he happens to be on the rather portly side, by the way), and comments on the chair's lack of support.\n\nAt that moment, I kind of wish I had something against him, because I really wanted to say\n\n'Yeah, any weaker and you'd fall right through. . . .except there's no way your ass would fit.'\n\nBut I neither hate him, nor know him well enough to make a crack like that, so I bit my lip instead.", |
|
"from": "thav@mad.scientist.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Ok so, one time me and my friend took these two girls out to sushi. I know only a little bit of japanese (only the dirty stuff) and one of the girls is REALLY blonde, model type. so i tell her that she should order her refill of coke in japanese, and impress the waitress. So the waitress comes over and the girl says 'orena chimpo daka' and the waitress stares at her and then cracks up and tells all the other waitresses. Only then did i tell her that she just told the waitress that she had a big dick.", |
|
"from": "mylittlepony@fantasyland.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i called at&t to tell them not to disconnect my cable, as my overdue check was, in fact, in the mail.\nthe lady said they cannot do anything about it, the computer automatically disconnects on a certain date unless the check is deposited.\ni told her to have someone push the date back.\ncan't do that either.\nso i asked: 'you mean to tell me that humans have no control whatsoever over your computers.'\n'that is correct.'\nfucking scary.", |
|
"from": "xxx@mentors-weride.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Friend: What should I drink when I'm skiid up? Ur the scientist here.\nMe: Coffee.\n...\nOther friend later: Why would you tell her that?!\nMe: To teach the crazy bitch a lesson.", |
|
"from": "Duchessfny@mail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "(This sounds like bragging about my scary exploits, but there's a genuine LowBrow moment at the end)\nI visit my wife's cousin in Vermont one winter, on my own.\nShe gives me the kid's bedroom, upstairs, and they sleep in her room.\n2am, the house catches fire.\nThey get out safely, but I'm trapped upstairs, groggy and not realizing that I'm dying from smoke inhalation.\nI open the bedroom door, but enormous flames are shooting up the stairway.\nI open the window, but there's a strong screen across it. Besides, the open window feeds the flames like crazy.\nI think, muddily, that I should close the door to give me some time to get the screen open. I close it, but notice 6' flames now pouring out of the floor register.\nI can't see a damn thing, and on my way back to the window, I hit a table and fall.\nI'm so tired. It would be so nice to just lie here and sleep.\nThat close. Closest I've ever been...\nI lurch to my feet and hurl myself at the screen. I land softly on the snow-covered porch roof.\nThe cousin and her kids hug me desperately, her saying: 'Thank God! You saved my kiddies lives!'\n(Where's the LowBrow moment? Coming up...)\nI go back up next week to help her dismantle the burned-out shell. She can't thank me enough.\nA year later, after the divorce, I'm driving up to the Bread And Puppet festival in nothern Vermont with my new girlfriend.\nI call my ex-wife's cousin, and suggest we come visit. I think she'd like my girlfriend, and I'd love to see her and her kids again.\nShe: 'Are you alone?'\nMe: 'No, I have my girlfriend with me.'\nShe: 'I'm sorry. We have loyalties...'\nI've heard that expression three times in my life, always from Jews. I like Jews, but...\nBesides, I had to leave my wife's Nikon to the flames. Third one I've killed. I'm allergic to Nikons, it seems...", |
|
"from": "LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "ill be 14 in 2 months. when i was 12 my mom told m i was the biggest mistake of her life. in other words a result of a bad condom.", |
|
"from": "dariya1692000@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Once in college I pretended I was blind, with help from my roommate.\n\nI was beyond drunk ,which seemed to help me pull off my blind act. I was having a lot of fun at different parties, collected about 8 bucks in spare change and was given many free beers. Then this very attractive young lady started talking to me and I started seeking a pity fuck.\nThen she mentioned she wanted to me and my roomie to meet her roommate back at her dorm. In my drunken stooper I was expecting an orgy. When we arrived at her room she introduced me to her blind roommate.\nWhat a way to kill a buzz.", |
|
"from": "loco@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I developed early. When I say early, I mean I had 36C boobs when I was 12.\n\nMy grandparents insisted that I get a Christmas picture taken with my brother on Santa's lap.\n\nFucking Santa Claus pinched my underaged ass.", |
|
"from": "kee@dovermafia.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I also once devirginzied a guy while watching American History X.", |
|
"from": "redeyedfrenzy@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "SO I had this friend in high school who had biology with me. He was a bit off his rocker.\n\nOne day while we were doing classwork he jumps out of his chair, wraps his wallet chain around my neck and held a knife to my throat.\n\nAll I could think of to say was\n\n'Please let go of me Josh.' So he did.\n\nHe sat down.\n\nThe teacher didn't say a word.\n\nGotta love public school.", |
|
"from": "redeyedfrenzy@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I bought a BMX last year, for about $500 CND. I ride it a bit, it's a good second bike.\n\nBut what I really love are the pegs, which are heavy steel tubes hanging off the axles, for standing and grinding and tricks of all kinds.\n\n(I can't use them, or do much of anything on a BMX)\n\nBut just today, at a stoplight, some 18 year old asian kid with a rich mommy and daddy driving a BMW cut me off, turning right. His car was lowered, and even though he wasn't really in any position to hit me...\n\nPaint and fiberglass and metal flecks flew when I jammed my pegs into the side of his car\n\nDoublelow: I faked injury when he got out to beat me up.", |
|
"from": "patmorrison@shaw.ca" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "About a week after I'd gone home with a boy I'd met that very evening and hadn't heard from since, I got a silly little e-mail from him. His return address was 'Leatherpants@Farts.com'. I decided I needed to drink less after that.", |
|
"from": "Bimboforaday@toodrunk.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "she says: dOnt U fUckING H8 SteREOTypEs?", |
|
"from": "ha@ha.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "When I was visiting my soon-to-be first college in a small town, I asked a sophomore what they do for fun there.\n\nHe said,\n\n'We get drunk and go to Wal-Mart. Not neccessarily in that order.'\n\nYou think that might have tipped me off. But nooooooooooooooooooooooooo...!", |
|
"from": "drop_the_biscuit@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "got to have cake\nive got a mind that can still get to your house\nand a heart that can bring you red flowers\nmy intentions are good\nand earnest\nand true\nbut under my hood\nis internal combustion power\nand satan is my motor\n", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "So you'll stick your tongue up a girl's ass, but you're weirded out by her occasionally blowing bisexual men, because of where their dicks have been?\n\nIf you don't spot the dysfunction here keep the fuck away from ME, man.", |
|
"from": "grayman@nwlink.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "When I was little the pool was my favorite place ever. My mom would have to drag me kicking and screaming from the pool when it was time to leave. I would only get out of the pool to leave. Well one day I really had to take a shit but of course I didn't want to get out of the pool. So I hold it. And hold it. And hold it. I'm about to explode when I finally run to the bathroom. Being young I hadn't learned the trick of just pulling your bathing suit to the side when you go, so I tugged and yanked at my wet bathing suit which insisted on sticking to me. By the time I get my bathing suit down, I don't even have time to sit down before I go. So I shit all over the toilet seat and the floor. Disgusted and ashamed, I move to the next stall over, clean myself up, and leave. As I jump back into the pool I say, 'Don't use the first stall. Someone pooped all over the seat.'\nI wonder if they knew it was me.", |
|
"from": "toochickenshittogive@real.address" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "She didn't believe me when I said the sores on my dick were the result of excessive masturbation.\n\nI sort of wish I'd been lying.", |
|
"from": "I@think.not" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Heroin:\n\nAt least its not crack", |
|
"from": "stare@me.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "7-26-01\n\nWhen I'm driving in the middle of the night, say 12ish, I like to drive by people's houses and blow the horn. I also have a thing about giving every little kid that stares at me the finger and revving my car up or squealing the tires when old people are infront of me. I'm going to hell.", |
|
"from": "Me@here.there" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "It's really sad when someone's only moment of glory was being an extra in Casablanca.\n\nIt's even sadder when he tells you the exact second he breezed through the frame.\n\nIt's even sadder when he tells you every single time he talks to you, and then tries to sell you a crappy book of poems with a poem about him being an extra in Casablanca in it.", |
|
"from": "redeyedfrenzy@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "ATTENTION, people of New Jersey.\n\nYour California visas have expired.\n\nPermanently.\n\nPlease find yourselves in LAX, SFO, or OAK, and get the hell out.\n\nLove forever and ever,\n\nCalifornia", |
|
"from": "getoutofmystate@ca.us" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "mom: you didn't sell back any books?\n\nme: no.\n\nmom: why not? they're probably in mint condition. it's hard to fail all those classes without opening any books.\n\nme: fuck you (muttered under breath).\n\nIn reality, I did sell back all my books. I spent the money on beer and cigarettes. I can't wait to move out of this fucking house.", |
|
"from": "ratm484@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Advice to young men in relationships: Cheat on her every damn chance you get. I know it doesn't seem right, but trust me. When she dumps your sorry ass, you're going to regret every time you could have had some other girl but didn't.", |
|
"from": "JesusAndTheRobot@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The BrewPub Restroom\nIt's a little weird: In big restrooms like on the Interstate, guys seem to adjust to pissing next to other guys -- you just keep your eyes to yourself, do your business, and leave. Besides, there's lots of witnesses.\nBut in small restrooms, like the BrewPub's, which has only one urinal and an open toilet, things are a bit different.\nLike there's only room for two guys at a time, so there are no witnesses.\nMost guys prefer to wait outside until the other guy is finished.\nMe, I don't care who I piss next to, and I want to get back to my Pale Ale, so I just barge in, lift the seat, and piss away.\nI usually do the other guy the favour of not acknowledging his presence, but when I'm feeling playful, I open a conversation with something innocuous like: 'Aren't you just sick of the attitude that women give us?'\nNobody has ever answered me, and they're always gone within five seconds, even if they were in mid-stream :-)", |
|
"from": "LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The place was call 'Eat & Park' and she and her friends loved going there.\n\nI called it 'Eat & Puke' after the explosive shits I got from eating there when we once spent the weekend home from college in her hometown.\n\nShe was very amused.", |
|
"from": "folk@things&stuff.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Once when I was 11 the family next door was taking a trip to Astroworld. I was invited along.We had a great time!It was an hour and a half drive to and from the theme park. On the way home I polietly asked the 'dad' if he could pull over someplace so I could go to the bathroom. He refused. Each bump he went over was agonizing. My little legs were pressed so tightly together and I prayed that I wouldn't piss myself. I asked again, and again he refused saying 'We'll be home shortly.'A few moments later I noticed that the seats were made of that criss cross viynl shit that was so popular for station wagons in the 80s. I could clearly see the foam padding underneath. It was then as I sang along with the radio that little by little I whizzed right there on the seat. This took some time as I didn't want to rouse any suspicion. A little trickle here, a little trickle a mile down the road later. I just wanted that foamy padding to absorb all my urine. Within the span of about 12 minutes I was done and felt relieved. It was then that the 'dad' decided 'Hey everyone lets go to Burger King!'. We pulled into the restaurant and I immediatly made a detour for the restroom. My friend followed me in. I pretended to pee and then washed my hands. She came out of the stall and said 'The back of your dress is wet!' to which I said 'Yeah, That damn Thunder River ride!' to which she said 'Hahah! you really got soaked!' I spent the next few minutes under the hand dryer, drying the urine spot on my dark blue dress.We ate and then went home.One thing about Texas in the summer time...it's hotter than hell and so humid that it feels like you're walking through soup. Plenty hot to seal in the stench! The next day I awoke to a ruckus on the driveway next door. It was there that I saw them. All four of them. Mother, Father, daughter and son crowded around the station wagon, rolling down the windows and flinging the doors open. I heard the father say 'What IS that awful smell????'I smiled to myself and went back to sleep comforted in the thought that the stench of my piss was forever embedded in their vehicle thanks to the god awful summer sun.I actually remember thinking: 'Enjoy my pee pee you dookie heads!'\nSo everytime I see a station wagon with wood paneling on the sides I have to laugh, and strangely enough I have to pee.\nI have a few other pee stories, but you'll have to wait for another day. Only one pee story per day. I think it's the law or something.", |
|
"from": "asha@netcamcouple.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "If a man stands in the middle of a forest, with not a woman around for 200 miles, and makes a statement - is he still wrong?", |
|
"from": "britpff@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The good looking man walked up to me with a sheepish smile. He was holding his young son's hand, and asked if I would mind terribly if I heard a public service announcement. I glanced down and saw no ring, so smiled and said yes.\nHis 4 or 5 year old then told me that smoking would kill me. I smiled and put it out, saying that he was absolutely right.\n\nThe dad looked relieved. Then his wife or girlfriend or whatever drove up and he blushed as they got in and drove off, looking at me wistfully.\n\nI winked and lit a cigarette.\n", |
|
"from": "Duchessfny@mail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Grocery clerk entry #36:\nNothing confuses me more than Company Loyalty. The first thing every company does when sales go into the crapper is layoffs.\nI swore I'd never put the company's welfare above my own. That is one of the only decisions I have never regretted.", |
|
"from": "kell_h0und@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Loaded a friend's website one day, turns out he was naked, and jerking off. That image is forever etched into my subconcious. The fat freak (gg)", |
|
"from": "monkeyoragami@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Lying in bed at 530am, the whole house is so quiet Death herself has come to visit.\nAnd I'm kept awake by one very loud thought.\n\nThere are some women you just shouldn't kiss.", |
|
"from": "belzesolid@earthlink.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "You know when you take that kind of crap where it feels like someone is anally raping you, hard?\n\nGod, I fucking love that.", |
|
"from": "someotherregularposter@ashamed.Imacoward" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The day i knew it was time to get out of the bar tending business and go back to school...\nRegular customer #4 is liquored up as usual. The jukebox begins playing Blueberry Hill and he is up on the bar in a flash. Trying to sway sexily, but in reality he is just weaving, and the clothes start to come off.\nI tell him. 'If you take those wranglers off, i'll put them in the safe and you will spend the night bare-assed in the pokey.'\nJust about that time he weaved sharply to the left and was hit square in the forehead by a ceiling fan blade. He fell backward and landed spread eagle on the floor.\n'Is he bleeding?' i ask?\n'nope, he's fine' says regular customer #1.\n'Thank God' says I. 'I really didn't want to see that old mans ass.'", |
|
"from": "steelvenus@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "walking out of the doctors office one day with my bald,doublemasectomied mother some guy had the nerve to point and stage whisper to his 11-or 12 year old kid 'christ that lady has no tits'\nMy mom did the only thing a lady could do. Looked down her own shirt and let out a blood curdling scream of 'WHERE'D THEY GO!!'\nNow thats class.", |
|
"from": "svedishfish@candy.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Paranoia: A Haiku\n\nMen in dark glasses\nBlock the forest lane fully\nI cannot escape", |
|
"from": "grayman@nwlink.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I kissed the girl who I work with when she dropped me off at home. I'm 20, shes 18.. I think?\n\nHer first kiss almost made me faint: my girlfriend hasn't kissed me like that in over two years. Her second kiss made me twitch, and whisper her name out. I had to pull away at the third kiss, for fear I would simply not stop, and my girlfriend would come upon us, lips locked, or better/worst.\n\nI was a man parched for lust, and here was this oasis of completetion in the desert of my life. Who was I to refuse?\n\nThe girl with the beautiful lips and kisses gets back in a week. Coincidentally, my girlfriend/cold bitch is out of town those same days. Wish me luck!", |
|
"from": "yeahright@infidelityisthebest.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Always save reciepts and put them in your wallet.\n\nYou never know when there isn't going to be any toilet paper...", |
|
"from": "verybored@myhouse.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Was in line at Circle K with 2 quarts of Olde English 800 in my hands...guy in front of me was a skinny redneck with a mullet and tank top. His little girl (about 5 or 6 years old) stood next to him.\n\n'Can I also get a copy of SHAVED and a copy of POCKETFOXX?' he said to the cashier lady.\n\nHis daughter just stared blankly.\n\nHe paid for his porn and walked out and as I put my quarts on the counter I thought about how lucky I was to have the internet to get my porn.\n\n\nFuckin' redneck loser fuck.", |
|
"from": "Stray@Ijustgotfired.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Foster's lager, a 69-cent can of sardines in tomato sauce, and a tiny golden gelatinous glob of resin the size of a @.\n\nTonight, I am Lord of Creation; kingdoms tremble at my feet.\n\nI magisterially survey my immediate domain, noting that the punkins could benefit from some horse manure; and they will probably get it.\n\nPathetically small goals mean terribly easy gratification.", |
|
"from": "grayman@nwlink.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Got long fake nails for prom, since I always bite mine and they never even reach my fingertips.\nLater that night at the hotel, clawed the crap out of my boyfriend's back, arms and shoulders.\nThen I used them to scrape up and down the small of his back and the inside of his elbows really lightly, where he's ticklish as hell.\nAcrylic nails. Sexual torture devices extraordinare.", |
|
"from": "absolutpalm@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was sitting here thinking that hey - I'm a pretty good guy. I go to church, I don't drink or do drugs, I don't beat my wife or molest my little girl - I'm a pretty good guy.\n\nThen I remembered that most of my day is comprised of downloading stolen software, listening to pissed off people scream into a mic, and making my boss believe that I can't be replaced.", |
|
"from": "GIVEITASNIFF@YAHOO.COM" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "If you drop a piece of buttered toast, it always lands butter-side down. This morning I buttered the crust. I'm such a smart ass.", |
|
"from": "crazyjake@crazyjakeonline.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,\n> it deosn't mttaer in waht\n> oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt\n> tihng is taht the frist\n> and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can\n> be a total mses and you\n> can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae\n> the huamn mnid deos not\n> raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a\n> wlohe.\n>\n>\n>\n> cool huh?\n", |
|
"from": "Duoebl reteak@brainfart.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "It only took 15 minutes to convince me that it was a good idea.\nThe next day I woke up with a limp and a burning rectum", |
|
"from": "langeman@hotmale.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "BLOODY BUSINESS\n'Have you got any rolling papers?' Sarah asked Wes.\n'No, sorry.'\n'How bout a matchbook? Doesn't need to have any matches in it, just the cover.'\n'Can't help ya there either. Why do you ask?'\n'I'm out of tampons.'\nAfter that, we called her 'The MacGyver of Feminine Hygiene.'", |
|
"from": "lohman@altavista.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I am singing a countermelody to the Gregorian chant 'veni redemptor genitum' in a bizarrely upbeat early-morning peppy McDonald's breakfast commercial style.\n\nIt sounds particularly fine.", |
|
"from": "grayman@nwlink.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "at 23, i am now living with my parents again. its actually not as bad as i thought it would be, its actually much better than when i was a teenager. unlimited freedom, home cooked meals, no rent. but getting caught masturbating to a computer screen by your mom who fails to ever knock is no where near the same as it was when you were 14 and walked in on using the back massager that the rest of the family occasionally used.", |
|
"from": "aconcernedhuman@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "at the thrift store I realized how big of an elitest bastard i am\nbuying things for pure comedy\nwhile looking at the people that actually needed shit for that cheap\nand thinking\n'god I hate poor people. fuckin' poories.'\nbut its cool\nbecause they'll never have enough status to say anything back to me.\nfuckin poories", |
|
"from": "Mr_crackheadjones@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "the dentist said just raise your hand if it starts to hurt.\n\njust about then i jerked my hand up and hit him in the face knocking him to the ground....\n\n", |
|
"from": "strainj@speakeasy.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Stall graffiti at Swift Hibernian's on 4th Street:\n\nMy mother made me a lesbian.\nSend her some yarn and she'll make you one too.", |
|
"from": "mrsgodzilla@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "When I was 9, I had an accident with fireworks.\n\nThe good news is I got to wear an eyepatch for two weeks, in grade school.\n\nArrrrrgh, shiver me timbers!\n\n'Cept the doctor gave me a pink eyepatch.\n\nI immediately painted it black, but my mom made me wash it off.\n\nForty years later, I'm still waiting for her to die...\n\n- limbo@IJustGotFired.com\n\nI had an eyepatch. The vision in my one eye was weaker, so they made me wear it in an attempt to strengthen my vision.\n\nSomething about a littke girl in Mary Janes, a velveteen dress, and an eye patch is just...yeah. Lowbrow.", |
|
"from": "loveinvein@moregoththanyou.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "You ever wonder if EZTagger became a hospice nurse just so she would have an opportunity to legitimately watch men die?\n\nIf so, I'm genuinely impressed. I wish I had thought of it.", |
|
"from": "grayman@nwlink.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "If I know the sex is good enough, I'll drop/postpone almost anything if I can.", |
|
"from": "redeyedfrenzy@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Two of my sisters are strippers and / or whores, as far as I can tell.\n\nAnd *I* disgust *them*.", |
|
"from": "grayman@nwlink.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "it was my 18th birthday.\na friend bought me a cardboard tiara.\n\nfour hours later, i was puking from alchohol excesses.\n\nthe tiara fell in the vomit-filled toilet.\n\ni picked it out.\nand placed it back on my head.\n\nit was soggy.\nand kinda smelly.", |
|
"from": "bitten@until.ibled" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "True Story,\n\nMe and my friend were at a mall in Huntington W Va recently when we seen a flyer about a missing girl from the area. We stopped and read about her. Some guy is standing behind us reading it also. My friend looks at me and say 'Man shes just 17?? Shes fucking hot for a teenie-bopper'. Very abruptly the guy behind us says 'watch your mouth BOY!!' So I, without hesitation reply 'fuck you old man' and my friend follows that with 'what are you her fucking dad?'.....The old mans eyes start to boil up with tears as we notice a stack of flyers in his hand, and he says 'yes, i am...'. We exited the mall quickly. I have never felt more low-brow in my life.", |
|
"from": "jonny_toxik@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My girlfriend was still sleeping after I woke up. I lay there next to her watching her sleep. She suddenly farts and immediately sits up.\n\n'I had a dream I was laying an egg!'\n\nIt was one of those moments I will never forget.", |
|
"from": "funnyassshit@haha.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Patienly, I wait out the three weeks separating my fiance and I, but that 20 minutes the pizza takes to get here is tearing me apart.", |
|
"from": "aeris_vampire@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Appartment on Telegraph(Oakland)\n\n1st of many brows\n\nSo two of my friends and I (hey Nick & Erin) were drinking MGD 40's all day (not 21 at the time but the owners of the liquor store laved starring at Erin's tits) anyway about on about the fourth or fifth each we decide to start filling the empties with piss (much more of an acomplishment for her).\n\nWe ended up with 4 full 40's about the right color also...Ok so we leave them in the fridge over night.\n\nThe next day I put them in a paper bag from the liquor store and set them on the street corner (for those who don't know the area super ghetto)...\n\nIt took about a hour or two before we looked back and saw that they were gone, but I have always wondered if or how much they drank.", |
|
"from": "GnuUzir420@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My sister doesn't handle herself under pressure very well. This... is her story.\n\n4 people were in my best friends brand new Honda Civic a handful of years ago - including said best friend who was driving, a couple that I'm friends with, and my sister sitting shotgun. They were on their way home from a big party, when the guy in the back seat sitting directly behind my sister started to feel really sick.\n\n'I have to puke' he said in a strained voice 'You've got about 8 seconds to pull over.'\n\nIt took my best friend all of 3 seconds to go from 100 mph to 0 on the side of the road - he wasn't going to risk having to clean puke out of his new car. My sister though... heh heh - she's not quite as quick thinking. Instead of just opening up her door, and jumping out to let the sick guy throw up, she instead panics, and launches herself into my best friend's lap (not easy in a stick-shift), and begins shrieking things like: 'OMG, he's going to puke, you guys! What're we going to do?!?'\n\nThe guy in the back seat tried to lean forward to fumble with the door, but the leaning just triggered the eject button in his belly...\n\nHe. Puked. Everywhere.\n\nNot saying a word, my best friend gets out of the car, goes over to the passenger side, opens the door, drags my sister out of the car, and holds the door open for the sick guy.\n\n'That,' my friend says grimly to my sister, 'was all you had to do.'\n\nAfter a thorough cleaning of the back seat, he made my sister sit in the sick guy's spot all the way home.", |
|
"from": "El_Senior_Bob@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I am interested in growing vegetables and eating them, as are my two friends.\n\nIf, while discussing people and relationships, one lists a detailed 27-point hopeful Plan For The Future, that person is regarded as focussed and on task.\n\nWhy, then, is it so shameful to be largely only interested in eating, sleeping, shitting, fucking, and growing food?", |
|
"from": "grayman@nwlink.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Worst moment of the night:\n\n'So what movies did you rent?'\n\nI tried to explain, but there was no legitimate excuse:\n\n'How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days, Mannequin, and Intolerable Cruelty.'\n\nI don't think he wants to be my friend anymore.", |
|
"from": "thecutenerdgirl@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I woke up this morning and realised that I had a penis, all this time I've been sitting while peeing", |
|
"from": "michaelwood73@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "If you just stuck it in my ass without asking don't be mad there's poop on it.\n\nAnd don't you DARE tell me it's my 'responsibility' to clean it up.\n\nGood thing your dick is small.", |
|
"from": "redeyedfrenzy@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "you know you have some problems when you are sitting at work and can smell your own feet.", |
|
"from": "ineednewshoes@nopoly.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My parents are throwing a soiree in their posh suburban home.\n\nIn my makeshift apartment in the basement, I and my girlfriend's best friend drink much champagne and have loud stinky monkey sex.\n\nLater we make an appearance, sweaty, dissheveled, and smelling like deckhands on a tuna boat, and depart in search of somewhere to get more trashed.\n\nIt wasn't until much later that I realized that the exposed ductwork in the ceiling of my apartment would transmit and amplify every sound from the basement, broadcasting it in the living room.\n\nThis probably explains the looks I got from the party attendees; scorn from the women and shit-eating grins from the men. After all, she was wet-dream material.", |
|
"from": "crucifying@myself.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "There is a rat carcass rotting in the next room.\n\nYum.", |
|
"from": "redeyedfrenzy@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "So I take my suit to this little old italian guy tailor in the city of Reading, PA. Yep...good ol' Reading... Turns out the guy has 2 Porches, a Ferrari, and a Shelby Cobra sitting is his garage. Asks me if he can do me any 'favors'. I notice the fedora hanging on the wall and all the italian people coming in paying him for his 'tailoring' services...slowly but surely two and two come together... People, the mafia is alive and very very well.", |
|
"from": "sew@what.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Joe pissed himself for $15\n\nThen, later, he did it again for free.", |
|
"from": "LimeTimeTV@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Nothing beats the relief found in releasing an 'after-date fart' that's been building all night.", |
|
"from": "d_sizzle@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was on my way to class and I saw a guy riding a bike with crutches in one hand. Mystified as to how he could ride a bike and require said crutches, I glanced at his feet. Or rather, foot. The other one was missing.", |
|
"from": "girlsetsfire15@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I spent a night in jail, they were keeping me till i sobered up, it was a long night. I spent 3 hours singing 'I know a song that gets on everybodies nerves' finaly the jailer told me to shut up or he would gag me.", |
|
"from": "the_tonto@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "When I was young, mom used to lock the computer room to keep me from going online.\n\nI used to climb in the window, then she figured that out and fucking duct taped it closed.\n\nSo using an axe, I broke the doorknob off, replaced it with an identical door knob after sanding and repainting the area of the door that had been damaged via axe usage, and then switched the keys on my mom's keyring.\n\nI didn't have much of a life at 16...", |
|
"from": "redeyedfrenzy@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I just saw three of Limbo's moments in a row. Is this a sign?", |
|
"from": "glowhore@gmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Met a squatter named Phil last week who could vomit on command, like intentional burping. No finger down the throat, no reason at all. All you have to say if, 'Phil, do the puke thing.' And he turns his head and vomits.\n\nHe's teaching me how to do this.", |
|
"from": "dontstare@me.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Once there was this kid, Bobby. Bobby would make claims as to how he was going to wrap a fruit rollup around his dick, and present the whole package to his dog. We laughed. At the end of the week Bobby walked onto the bus, and said (like Beavis) 'heheheheheh my doggie gave me a blowjob.' --- Later in life, Bobby thought his ex-girlfriend was going to steal his Camaro. So what did Bobby do? Bobby took a bat to it, and made sure she wouldn't want to take it. Some people should never breed, even by accident.", |
|
"from": "someone@nowhere.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "sometimes when i'm in traffic i think bad things.\n\ni wonder what's stopping me from slamming on the gas and ramming the car in front of me.\n\nno reason.\n\ni just think it would be fun to do.", |
|
"from": "justanotherturd@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "When I lost my virginity... Everyone was watching from a hole in another room.... My best friend told me that at a Denny's. I don't know if I believe him but it sure as hell blew my mind when he told me. Next time I'm at a party I'm checking all the walls.", |
|
"from": "fireass@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I have fond memories at the public library. For example: the time I almost missed my ride home, because I was in the bathroom playing dirty dice with a same sex friend. Life is good.", |
|
"from": "ScaryBouncyFreak@s&m.org" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "She was beautiful, totally hot, I looked at her with lust. I wanted her. To my surprise she wanted me too. We went from the bar to my hotel room, I asked if she would like a drink? Yes she said. As I poured the drinks she came over to me and put her arms around me and her hands went right to my crotch. I turned and kissed her. We drank our drinks fast and headed for the bed. I told her I wanted to eat her and she moaned with pleaser, she hiked up her dress and removed her silk panties to reveal a large penis. I didn't know what to do, he/she said whats the matter it's just skin baby. What could I do? Now we meet every friday.", |
|
"from": "Chrism9000@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "With my own two eyes I watched my son born. I saw my wife squeeze him out of her cunt.\n\nFatherhood began, for me, when my son shit, pissed, and puked on me during a single half hour. If you've seen The Exorcist you know what projectile vomiting looks like -- imagine projectile shitting from an infant.\n\nYes, this is what being a parent is all about.", |
|
"from": "john@johngaughan.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Lost my virginity at 12 years old..No lie... To my babysitter who was 15... We became sex-a-holics after that. Man Im a pimp", |
|
"from": "Aminal66@msn.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I like to take big shits. Big.\n\nThis has lead me to develop my own 'plunging' technique. What you do is push the plunger into the water so that all the air goes out of the rubber part. Then pull it back up (so it's filled with water), seal it around the hole, and push.\n\nIt works much better than just plunging like a maniac.\n\nThe only problem is that sometimes I spill poopy water on my feet. I don't own a mop.", |
|
"from": "donttrythis@home" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I often have dreams of torturing people. I have dreams such as:\n\nSticking glass rods up people's penis's and breaking the rod into bits.\n\nCutting off fingers with Cigar cutters.\n\nCreative use of cattle prods.\n\nBurning hot pokers in sensitive spots.\n\nWhipping people until they scream in true agony.\n\nInsertion into orifices with a hot curling iron.\n\nIs this just wacked or what?", |
|
"from": "Spitlebug@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "If you think riding the roller coasters at Six Flags with your shirt and bra off is exciting, you haven't tried riding them with butt plugs and Ben Wa balls inserted in all the right places.\n\nNow that's entertainment.", |
|
"from": "wet@the.seat" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "There was this boy who was showing everyone this rediculously cartoon-ish dolphin on his chest. I laughed my ass off, 'cause I mean, come on, those foolish temporary tattoos can be amusing.\nCome to find it wasn't temporary. I laughed even harder.", |
|
"from": "yourmom@yourhouse.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "An argumentative Englishman was in a pub in the Scottish Highlands.\n\nHe got irritated at all the kilted locals standing around speaking Gaelic, when he just knew that it wasn't really their native language.\n\nHe tried to explain to them that Gaelic was actually a dead language, doomed to eventually vanish.\n\nBig Hamish: 'Just exactly how do you mean, 'dead?''\n\nCecil: 'Well, no new words are being created. When Gaelic needs a new word, you just take the English word and call it Gaelic.'\n\nBig Hamish: 'Hmmm -- can you give me an example?'\n\nCecil: 'Let me see ... very well, what is the Gaelic word for 'spaghetti?''\n\nBig Hamish: 'I see ... well sir, I'll tell you the Gaelic word for 'spaghetti' if you tell me the English word for 'spaghetti.''", |
|
"from": "limbo@IJustGotFired.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My roommates\n\nare stupid.\n\nThey didn't just throw a water balloon at a convertible.\n\nThey didn't just throw a water balloon at a convertible full of Asian gangsters.\n\nThey didn't just throw a water balloon at a convertible FULL of Asian gangsters when it was PARKED.\n\nThey didn't just throw a water balloon at a convertible full of Asian gangsters when it was PARKED RIGHT BELOW OUR APARTMENT BALCONY.\n\nThey didn't just throw a water balloon at a convertible full of Asian gangsters when it was parked right below our apartment balcony AT NIGHT with the landlord watching.\n\nNo, noooo.\n\nThey did it a second time.\n\nI wonder who's at the door?", |
|
"from": "drop_the_biscuit@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I wonder if anyone featured in my posts will give a shit if they are browsing the site and recognize one of the embarrassing scenarios in which they were featured...........\n\nNah, they have a long life ahead of them to forgive and forget.....right?", |
|
"from": "bryneyk@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Accept that some days your the pigeon and some days your the statue\n\nIf you treat the people around you with respect, they will never guess that you're trying to stab them in the back\n\n\nIf at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried\n\nThere's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.\n\nLack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part", |
|
"from": "droppings@urhead.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "...and their bleating was like a wet fish slapped upon the land.", |
|
"from": "slightly-intoxicated@thepub.co.za" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Vicarious low: Moment #3\n\nWe get the radio call. Woman screeming for help. My partner and I get there ASAP. We climb the first two of three flights of stairs to the apartment where we can here the woman screeming from when the apartment door burst open and this woman runs down the stairs, naked, screeming. Naked, unwashed, reeking of beer, cigarettes and B.O. Screeming 'He just fucked me in the ass, I've been raped!' Ugly is not the word for her. I swear I wanted to shove a pencil right into my minds eye to remove the ungodly image in front of me. We find him in the apartment, amid the roaches and sour milk containers, crouched behind the bed and bleeding. We grab him and throw him down and cuff him. We question her further. Seems they met in the local scum bucket bar. She invited him home. Had willing sex and during same she requested to go doggie style. Well there both quite drunk and during sex he pulls out too far and misses his intended mark, squarely skewering her anus. No foreplay, no lube, no warning. And she is mighty pissed. Shows us her bleeding rectum (ughhh). Seems that when this happened she jumped up and grabbed a half filled 40 oz. and whacked him in the head. Poor bastard was having a good time, about to nut and then gets knocked out with a bottle. then came the kicker. She didn't care that they were going to have anal sex. She was pissed he didn't ask first. He sais he's sorry. We uncuff him. There almost back to fucking on the floor by the time we leave.", |
|
"from": "Disgruntled_bastard@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i want to smash the clock for ticking and ticking and fucking ticking\n\ni wanna carve out hearts and splatter skull fragments and grey matter onto cold pavement, just because people are... people.\nmyself included.", |
|
"from": "latrans@iraqmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "When someone told me they bombed the World Trade Centers, I laughed, and called them retarded douchebags.\n\nThen I saw the video footage.\n\nI laughed some more.\n\n'Death is funny' I say.\n\nThey told me I was a sick fuck, and needed help.\n\nAre they right?\n\nYeah, probably, but I'm too broke from spending my money on alcohol, smokes and weed to get any.\n\nOh well.", |
|
"from": "SSJAlucard0@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I think I may have met my soulmate when I was working as a phone psychic for Miss Cleo.", |
|
"from": "tarotcards@work" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My hair at this point was halfway down my back, a mass of crazy waves, and bright blue.\n\nNaturally, the kid at the bus stop quietly offered to sell me acid.\n\nGoddamn it, I just spent my last $20 at Arby's.\n\nI could just cry.", |
|
"from": "grayman@nwlink.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "About a year ago I worked at McDonald's, it wasn't that bad of a job becasue the manager would buy me and my firends alcohol, not to mention she had some really good weed hookups. But you know you are a sad excuse for a human being when you look forward to going to work so you can get lit and mess with customers.\n\nI still think that some of it was pretty funny\n\nme: 'what can I get for you?'\n\nlady: 'just a sec.'\n\nme: 'I'm sorry we don't sell time'\n\nclassic", |
|
"from": "fastfoodsucks@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I finally talked my grampa into getting me a nice leather office chair for the computer room.\nNow I have a nice rash on my ass from the chemicals they washed the cheap-ass piece of shit chair with.\nSo much for having nice things.", |
|
"from": "tearpixy@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "having 16 guineapigs and not changing thier bedding in 2 weeks should eaither key you into the fact that you should change your guineapigs bedding more often or that you need to give away a few guineapigs", |
|
"from": "puretrichomes@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I can't decide if I want this boy I really like as a boyfriend or a fuckbuddy.", |
|
"from": "zengirl@yeah.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I prefer to piss in the sink.", |
|
"from": "cramithippie@yahoo.ca" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "driving cross-country alone on the I-40, i casually wack off in arizona, then new mexico, then texas, then oklahoma. i stop at a shitty trucker motel in oklahoma city, and have just enough libido left to squeeze off one more.\n\nit was a lot better while driving.", |
|
"from": "curse@the.fates" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Who ever said 'Sex is like pizza: even when it's bad, it's still pretty good' obviously never ate at Grotto's.", |
|
"from": "thedoomsongkid@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The man is impeccably dressed.\n\nHis suit costs more than I make in a month.\n\nHis tie is exactly what Esquire told him it should be.\n\nHis cufflinks were a present from a Senator's wife who shall remain nameless.\n\nHis shoes were made from the hide of an endagered species.\n\nHis business cards have holograms on them of the company logo.\n\nHe has just stepped in dogshit.\n\nHa ha ha.", |
|
"from": "john_clavis@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I'm preparing to have my old yellow rose tattoo, which I don't like, covered with a bigger tattoo of a dragonfly.\n\nMy grown daughter has expressed interest in getting a tattoo on her person. I told her to look on the internet for something she likes because I'll take her to a reputable tattoo artist where I'll pay for hers when I get my dragonfly.\n\nShe tells me she's worried about what her husband will say.", |
|
"from": "exwife@TXexes.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Every time I submit something here, I check my spelling very carefully. It's bad enough that you guys think I'm weird for the stuff I say, I don't need you to think I can't spell also.", |
|
"from": "boyeralseth@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I dated this girl who is in my circle of friends. Sometimes, we end up in the same group on nights out. I watch her from my seat next to my wife. Later, when I am doing my wife from behind, it's that girl I am thinking about.", |
|
"from": "fester@sohojax.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was drinking some fresh iced tea, and I notice a little bug stuck to an ice cube. I smile and keep chugging.", |
|
"from": "JadedBitch@kissmyass.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "So am I the only one who is pissed off that Old Dirty Bastard isn't really running for president?", |
|
"from": "thedoomsongkid@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Biology geek pickup line:\n\nHey baby, wanna swap alleles?", |
|
"from": "governator_ahnold@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "'BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR'\n\nSo... It is like 2 am in my hole in the wall, white trash hometown. Me and some buddies are sitting around in a bedroom drinking those giant fountain drinks from the local Mac's store. (You know the ones that claim to be as good as the double gulps from 7-11 but really are like half the size and watered down.) Anyway we are watching X-files, sober bored, full of caffine and jumpy from the dam sugar rush. And my friend says 'I am bored... I wish something interesting would happen'...\nThen as if god himself was answering his prayer there is a loud hammering at the back door. We figure it is this dumbass alcoholic named Rick who lives in the house, hammered, flying on fucking Coke, we had better let him in before he breaks down the door. I hand my stupid giant soda to my friend and am about to head out of the bedroom. All of a sudden the door smashes inward into like a million flying pieces of particleboard. A dozen cops in full body armour, with automatic rifles, guns and a giant metal battering ram come flying into the house. Screaming, swearing, cursing... (Boy they are alot more polite on C.O.P.S.) My poor friend has his hands up with one giant full pop in each one... Those things get heavy after a few minutes. And his arms start to go down. The Cops stick an automatic weapon in his face: 'FUCKING HANDS IN THE AIR!!! DON'T FUCKING MOVE' As far as I know he has never wished for excitement again.", |
|
"from": "pontificus_maximus@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "sharpening drills\nthis is what I just read from my machining textbook: 'wihtout proper lip clearance, the lips result in merely rubbing rather than penetration'\n", |
|
"from": "melikeypolitics@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I eventually married my high school sweetheart. Years into our marriage, I asked her if there was any one thing when we were young that caused her to want me more than the other guys she knew.\n\nShe said when we first started dating, she dragged me to some sort of teen christian meeting (Campus Life), and I was sitting cross-legged on the floor across from her, and she could see my nutsack poking out my shorts.\n\nAnd I thought it was my Camaro.", |
|
"from": "anonymous@famous.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "A friend of mine was walking down a long flight of stairs beside me, and she looked very thoughtful. 'what are you thinking?' I asked. Her glazed eyes spun a little, and then she plummeted down one stair, fracturing her ankle severely.\nLater on, in the hospital, she informs me that she was 'trying to remeber whether to saying i thought up was 'shit on a crapstick or crap on a shitstick''\nThe following year, she breaks her ankle falling down a stair while drunk and searching for her hair.", |
|
"from": "sweeten_the_sour@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "he was an awsome kid, my little bros best friend, i told him i loved him like a brother, the kind of brother i wanna have sex with.", |
|
"from": "melikeypolitics@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Some chicks like hairy chests...\n\nSome chicks like clean-shaven chests...\n\nAnd I'm standing here with a razor in my hand, waiting for you dumb bitches to make up your minds.", |
|
"from": "tickles@whitehouse.gov" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Touring in Ireland. Four poor students. Camping in fields and with farmers.\n\nEach morning we head for the pub for a G&S.\n\nGuinness and a shit.", |
|
"from": "nowyoucanreachpuckeredhead@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "so i went to see Scream 2 on opening night a few years ago, theater is packed. we got there pretty late and sat at the edge of a very large group of black people. movie starts, jada pinkett dies in the first five minutes of the movie. a 250lb black dude stands up next to me and shouts, 'i thought she lived! damn mutha fuckas, fuck this cracka ass movie!'\n\nthen he left", |
|
"from": "scaredof@angryblackmen" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "me and some of my friends were at a coffee place, just sitting around and smoking. A homeless guy, that seemed like he was trying to stay as clean looking, and neat as he could comes up to us and asks for any money, even pennies cause hes trying to get something to eat. I give him all the change i have, about 75 cents, and he thanks me. Then he goes to the guy next to us, and says the same thing. This guy is doing some sort of work on his laptop. He asks the question and the guy ignores him. He moves a little closer and asks again. This time the guy looks up looking frustrated and very sternly says 'NO'. The homeless guy then walks away. My friend that im with says loud enough for the guy on his laptop to hear...'MAN that guy was an ASSHOLE!!!' i tryed to keep it in, but i just had to bust out laughing. I bet that guy felt like the ass that he was!", |
|
"from": "mylittlepony@fantacyland.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "went to an accoustic show thing yesterday... kind of a hippy hang out... accoustic guitars, political poetry and little half naked children running around with tambourines and shit... it was fun, and a couple of the musicians were really talented and not so fake and spaced out and stuff.. but at the end the co-ordinator got up on stage and informed everyone that she was also co-ordinating a 'vaginal awareness night' the proceeding weekend she did this after singing a song about mother earth... what a crack pot.. heh", |
|
"from": "h_o_t_t_m_a_l_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "18th birthday. drunk. two cars. bunch of friends. a lot of eggs. egging everything... pedestrians, car dealerships, other vehicles, denny's, andsoforth. finally, someone chases us... two hicks... in a pick-em-ep truck. chase us for miles, at least thirty or forty. hurling eggs at them all the time. friend, behind the rednecks, hanging back. speed racing, i don't let them gain on us. they give up... persistant, but defeated. as they turn off: egg, out the driver window of my friend's dodge diplomat, 60 miles per hour, perfect aim. chase resumes. i let my friend pass me, let the hicks catch up, get next to me.\nthey went away pretty quick when i showed them my .357 magnum replica airgun.", |
|
"from": "xxx@mentors-weride.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Just freakin' admit it LowBrowLimbo: you want to F*ck your daughter in law. You are obsessed with her. I bet there is intense sexual energy between you both.", |
|
"from": "tell_the_truth4444@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I want to go donate plasma. Well I suppose its realy not a donation since they pay you 20 bucks. So I want to go sell my plasma. Plasma by the way is some stuff in your blood that some people apparently need more of. Anyhoo, I want to 'donate' but I am not sure if they test for THC or not. So now I am wondering what they will say to me if I fail their test. 'Sorry, no potheads allowed here.' or 'Sorry, the cops are on their way.' Why the hell would a little THC make my plasma worthless. Its probably good for it actually...", |
|
"from": "sell@yourfluids.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Let me sleep in your bed with you or give me 5 bucks to cover my gas and I'll go home.\nIt worked.", |
|
"from": "alteredworks@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I'm not a huge guy, penii or in general. I'm not handsome. You can laugh at me all you want, and many do. That's okay. It is genuinely perfectly all right to find me funny; many do. It is all right to want to laugh.\n\nI, on the other hand, earnestly want to kill, particularly, probably, you.\n\nIt's probably best if our two desires don't meet in any way -- what do you think? That would seem to be best for all concerned, particularly the innocent bystanders.\n\nI'd consider that, if I were you, before I visually reacted to a stranger.\n\nThere's a lot like me out there.", |
|
"from": "grayman@nwlink.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Best name for a urinal company:\n\n'Honey Bucket.'\n\nPortland, Oregon.", |
|
"from": "goddamn@abortionstickle.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I still dream at night of sitting strapped into my roaring truck lazily watching the horizon's stately rotation.", |
|
"from": "grayman@nwlink.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "And then Mr. Garrison said 'I don't believe anything that bleeds for three days every month and doesn't die'\n\nI laughed\n\nand wondered to myself\n\nHow the fuck is this TV show still on the air?", |
|
"from": "spadict@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My boyfriend and I had parked the car in our favourite remote location. We had just finished the sexing when there are headlights and he goes, 'Oh shit, it's the cops. And I'm not kidding.'\n\nSo we hide under the blankets in the back and hope they go away. But they pull up beside the car and we can hear them reading off the license information. The flashlight shines through the fogged-up window into our eyes and the cop goes, 'No wonder I couldn't see you!'\n\nHe then asks us each individually how old we are, then if either of us are subdued by alcohol and were there against our will. When my boyfriend says no, he says, 'You WISH, huh?'\n\nHe checks for alcohol in the car and then finishes off with, 'Uh, you guys stand out like a turd in a punch bowl.' That was it.\n\nThat car was totalled in an (unrelated) accident a month later. I miss it. Hey, I lost my virginity in that car.", |
|
"from": "me@you.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "'you know what one of my favorite things in the world is?' she asks me\n\n'no, what?'\n\n'when we lie here and talk and laugh while you play with my tits. it's the best'\n\ni'm in love.", |
|
"from": "layz_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I excreted hollow poo. Is that normal?", |
|
"from": "defecation@confusion.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I know this guy everyone calls Drunk Mike.\n\nBecause he's drunk a lot.\n\nReally drunk.\n\nHe likes to tell stories a lot, too. Long stories, but they're still funny as hell.\n\nThe point when you know he's REALLY trashed?\n\nWhen he finishes a 10 minute story about his family, life, girlfriend, etc. with a pause, then 'Dot Com'\n\n\nI laugh my ass off every time he says it.\n\n\n'So basically my ex-girlfriend fucked me over, stole my stuff, kicked me out, AND cheated on me with my brother. *PAUSE* Dot Com'", |
|
"from": "collegegirl@milwaukee.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Took a healthy dump at work today that smelled *exactly* like the cheesesteak with onions I ate last night.\n\nYou know it's bad when you walk out of the mens room and 3 people are standing in the hallway sniffing the air asking 'Cheesesteak day in the cafeteria?'", |
|
"from": "PianoDemon@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I have long hair and I've been mistaken for a female many times.\n\nRecently my girlfriend cut her hair short and now she says we look like a lesbian couple, I'm the bitch.\n\nI mentioned this to her later while she was sucking me off. I believe my words were, 'and you said I was the bitch.' she looked at me with my cock still in her mouth, shrugged, and kept going.\n\n-Code", |
|
"from": "code@jjc.edu" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I don't know what the owner of the 'Classy Mature Ladies' website defines as classy, but I hardly think it involves sucking three dicks at once.", |
|
"from": "tuxedosour@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I almost watched a whole episode of 'Survivor' one time.", |
|
"from": "reyrey@foodstampkids.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Spaulding Gray really turns me on. Really.", |
|
"from": "ripped@the.ass" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I should copyright this next thought.\n\nHere's the way to world peace - everyone should be made to fuck someone of a different race/colour. Then, their kids will be better looking and less inclined to bigotry.", |
|
"from": "strangefacesintherain@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My mother took me to a triple feature at a drive-in theater. The first movie was the reason we were there, but completely escaped me. The second movie was There's A Man In My Soup starring a mostly naked Goldie Hawn. The third movie was Easy Rider.\n\nThat same summer I first saw pornography. A tattered magazine lying in a parking lot across the street from our apartment building depicted scenes of candle wax being dripped on various people's anus.\n\nI was six years old.\n\nThis is who I am.", |
|
"from": "crucifying@myself.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "There are a lot of things I will put up with in a relationship provided the sex is good.\n\nI think this is why when my ex's compare notes they're a little confused.\n\nI'm either psycho and possessive or indulgent and rarely jealous.\n\nAnd they still haven't figured out the connection.\n\nLearn to munch, and learn to munch well. And trust me, your girlfriend probably won't tell you if you suck or not. ABC's doesn't work.", |
|
"from": "redeyedfrenzy@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "She looked gave me the usual cold stare as she walked past me in the bar.\n\nThe fact that I was holding a brightly coloured handbad didn't help my cause.", |
|
"from": "richard.richard@excite.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "asian men have smaller penises, but that's okay because they are much more willing to go down on you.", |
|
"from": "hey@you.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "'I have a habit of twirling my gum around my finger and then sucking it off,' she said.\n\n'Hmm,' i said. 'Better than having a habit of picking your ass.'", |
|
"from": "thedoomsongkid@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I turned to my friend. 'Are you kidding? He looks like a date rapist!' I shouted.\nThe dean of undergraduate academic affairs, across the table, looked at me bemused for a second.\n'Yes, you're right. He does,' he nodded.\n~puck~", |
|
"from": "princess_zelda23@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Halloween and corporate America do not gel.\n\nHalloween, day of overeating,door to door begging, pore clogging makeup and good ol' fashion American vandalism. And I say, God Bless it.\nWhat other day do we have to glorify the ugly? On this one day out of the rest of the year, we shoot for unattractive. In the spirit of the season I came to work today with large bruises on my eyes, purple 'I just rolled out of my freshly dug grave' lips and cheesy white makeup. Me, in all my powder caked glory, was the tamest of the group here at my place of employment. There were gaudy Mardi Gras queens, transvestites, whorish nuns, and a whole slew of zombies. Not to mention ,more manager cleavage than I really ever wanted to see.\n\nSometimes it pays not to be a team player.\n\nNow I just have to dodge the fog machine on the way out to smoke a cigarette.", |
|
"from": "ms_poon25@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Exiting the movie theater in the mall, my 4 friends and myself decide to stop for a cigarette, and we notice a candy apple red ford 250 sitting on the street with a gigantic tail fin. A man ran out of the car into the restaurant, locking the car and sounding his alarm. My friends and myself were pondering exactly who would steal such a car, which lead us to the same type of people who would spend roughly $2000 customizing his truck. This was before the man ran back and turned on the car sounding his 'cucaracha' car horn, and my knees buckled as I feel to the ground laughing.", |
|
"from": "rdenison@denisonculture.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Tales of the Gas Station Attendant:\n\nI feel very Russian at work sometimes.\n\nI have to kick or punch things to make them work\n\nThen other times i feel really bored\n\nThen there are the times where i, no lie, this is straight up fact, beat the pinball high score (on the computer) of 20 million. I got 23 million.\n\nDo you ahve any idea how much dedication, skill, bordness, and free time it takes to get that kinda score?\n\nWell, aparantley more than one employee has those qualities...\n\nMy score was beaten the next week...", |
|
"from": "ivegotproblems@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The black delivery man played wich his cell while walking past Bloomies, only looking away from its screen to check out the ghetto *faaabulous* ass on the girl walking past.\nHe followed and took a picture of it with the camera-phone.", |
|
"from": "Duchessfny@mail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Tired of people eating your food in the fridge at work?\n\n'Acquire' a taste for olive loaf.", |
|
"from": "swanka104@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Sometimes stealth, patience, and clever revenge done in the dead of night anonymously just doesn't cut it. Sometimes a person mouths off in just the right tone, at just the right time, and requires just the right punch in the mouth.\nThis later requires one to type a little slower because of injured knuckles, but the instant gratification factor more than makes up for it.", |
|
"from": "cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Illegal Seafood\nLegal Seafood in Boston is a truly great restaurant, where the focus is on the fish, not you.\nLike they won't leave dishes sitting under a heat lamp until all the orders are ready. When it's done, it gets delivered, even if your table-mates have to sit and watch you eat on your own. If you sit politely, and wait for their meals to be delivered, the staff will get on your case for wasting good fish.\nI order swordfish. In almost no time, the fat steak is delivered.\n'Who gets the shark? Oh, yeah, you.' Plunk.\nI look at it. I hate sending food back, but I really don't like shark. I send it back.\nFour minutes later, a different server appears: 'Who gets the swordfish?' Plunk.\nI look at it. She's re-arranged the parsley, but it's still shark.\nI call the original server over. She takes one look at my plate: 'Did she just re-arrange things and call it swordfish? She laughs long, then grabs my plate and returns with a swordfish steak that I don't get charged for.\nGood place.", |
|
"from": "LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I'm head over heals for a lesbian\nI have a dick\nOwner/Operator for 27 years", |
|
"from": "alteredworks@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "After a long night of drinking, we closed down the bar. As we left, my friend and I start fighting, right in the middle of the street. Playing at first, till he hits me good in the jaw, and I get pissed. So we start throwing down right then and there. And this cop just sits there, in his car, and watches us two drunk fucks fighting and rolling around in the street on a saturday morning. After that, we went to Dennys.", |
|
"from": "vodkaho@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was trying to break up with my girlfriend, but didn't really know how I was going to go about doing it.\n\nImmediately after getting head, I thought of something.", |
|
"from": "boxmaster@thacheat.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "He: Yeah, then I hooked up with a straight guy on a bet.\n\nMe: Oh. Huh. So he's not really straight then, right?\n\nHe: No he's straight.\n\nMe: Well, you hooked up with him, so he can't be THAT straight, right?\n\nHe: No, he's definitely straight. He gave head like a straight guy.\n\nMe: Oh. Huh.", |
|
"from": "huh@OhTommy.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I used to work for the Federal government clearing titles on foreclosed property. We dealt quite a bit with one title company. The representative from that title company was under a tremendous amount of stess since this was the early 90s and no one was buying real estate, which meant he was doing a lot of work and not getting paid very well. Anyway, he had a nervous breakdown one day. About two weeks later, his replacement shows up at our office and we talk about our former rep and I had one of those awkward moments where I didn't know what to say. I found myself saying 'Bob was a great guy; he worked so hard, it's a wonder he didn't have a breakdown'. Very awkward silence followed.", |
|
"from": "theblumpkin@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Our bathrooms really stink here today at work.\nWe think it was the sales gal.", |
|
"from": "lowbrow_miko@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Had a smudge on my glasses. Really tiny spot, but enough for me to notice so i reach for a tissue to wipe off my lenses.\n\nGrabbed me one of those Puffs with Lotion...now I have a Big smudge on my lense and I cannot find anything else uopon which to wipe them.", |
|
"from": "Child_o_Gaia@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I must have been 5. My brother had gone outside to play or something, after having thoroughly pissed me off.\n\nA rapid knock at the locked door. I didn't let him in until the yells escalated.\n\nTurns out a dog had attacked him.\n", |
|
"from": "bastardbrother@yespinky.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Today when I was shopping, I spotted a guy I went out with once.\n\nMy first thought: 'Oh my God! He's gotten so fat!'\n\nMy second, more humbling thought: '...But then, so have I...'", |
|
"from": "partygirl@onetoomany.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "There's always a bunch of guitar-playing beggers on the 16th Street Mall. Today I saw this one grotesquely fat guy who was playing a guitar, tambourine, and harmonica at the same time, all the while singing the blues.\nHe would've been kind of cool had he not been wearing Mickey Mouse ears and this plastic 'redneck' half face mask with giant ball-shaped cheeks and plastic buck teeth. A sign, with cutsey caracatures of him in those big round cheeks, said, 'Robbie Redneck: Magic and Music' and offered to hire him out to children's birthday parties as entertainment.\nI gave him a quarter, and in return he sang a song he wrote about his third wife.\nMagic my ass. He'd scare small children. He certainly scared me, and I'm 18.", |
|
"from": "zengirl@yeah.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "'NO Mom. I'm not stoned. I'm depressed.'\n\nThis time anyway.", |
|
"from": "redeyedfrenzy@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "so blitzen found out i wrote here under the pseudonym that connotes the immortal mr cummings\nhope she dont blow my cover\nit sucks falling from anonymity", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Patrick suggests a new way to play pool.\n'Let's get one of those old golf bags, the skinny ones, and put a bunch of cues in it.\n'I'll get somebody to caddy for me and, every shot, I'll confer with him and he'll hand me a different cue.\n'That should put them off their game...'\nFor a caddy, I suggest Larry, the Polynesian bartender from the brewpub, who looks like a Sumo wrestler.\nI say: 'Let's find him a bowler hat, and he can be OddJob*. We'll kill them...\n-------------*from the James Bond movie 'Goldfinger', for all you ignorant young yobbos...", |
|
"from": "LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i dont care HOW lucky i am that walmart didnt press charges I still want my fucking knife back", |
|
"from": "theApothicarien@netscape.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "One time, I got it on in a Burger King bathroom.\n\nNo, really.", |
|
"from": "angel_falling_down@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I don't look like what I am.", |
|
"from": "grayman@nwlink.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The first two nights I partied at this house I hooked up with someone. A different guy each night.\nThe third night? I got high and played Halo.", |
|
"from": "girlsetsfire15@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Spent a week at a school for working glass...I don't blow glass � I was taking a 'cold' glass course.\n\nLearned a lot about hot glass though.\n\nIt's HOT.\n\nOne woman in a beginning glassblowing class went back to her room after a day in front of the 'Glory Hole' and got in the shower...and began screaming in pain.\n\nSeems that the furnace is so hot it will burn your nipples through your shirt at a distance of 5 feet.\n\nOne of the hot glass chicks in my group said you learn really quickly to tape them up with bandaids and wear a heavy bra.\n\nJust passing on survival skills folks.", |
|
"from": "azzaze1o@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Sometimes, you just can't get rid of a bomb.", |
|
"from": "leave@once.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Ah, the last final of the fall term - an easy as fuck multiple choice English Test. I had a bit of a head cold, and really did not feel like some sort of convoluted essay or thinking questions. At my table was one of my best friends and then comes this really hot asian chick who sits down with us. After an hour, I was done with my test, and they still had an hour left to go. Anyway, When she takes a break, I start flirting with her a bit - and then it happens - I feel a massive blockage in my nasal cavity and all of a sudden the breath that was about to go out through my nose, pushes out a mass of snot, all over the bottom of my face.\n\nMy friend heard this massive snort and looks up to see me trying to conceal this mass of phlegm from the world. He cracks up immediately.\n\nShe never spoke to me again. Damn my sinuses, damn them to hell.", |
|
"from": "NaughtyNinja963@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "If you think handguns are loud when discharged in a field, you should hear them fired in an enclosed space. When I was a kid, a friend of mine's drunk bastard dad decided to put a round from a .38 revolver through his window, about 3 feet away from me...couldn't hear a damn thing for 24 hours.", |
|
"from": "KSpork@usa.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I think I get it about art.\nEither you get it or you don't. You look at a car and say 'Boy, I'd like to drive that!' - it's the art factor kicking in. Look at a piece by Picasso or something, scratch your head and say 'I don't get it' - same thing.\nSo what's on my walls at home? Alternating reprints of Escher, that photomosaic of Darth Vader and old Fillmore posters. The ceilings are dotted with aircraft sectionals. It's my way of combating your regular, average art folk.\n\nI don't even have a goatee.", |
|
"from": "t_woolery@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Except when he's getting blown, he always seems to be in a hurry.", |
|
"from": "blowme@busy.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "You know that hot girl in the club or the pub that all the guys are over talking to. The girl who looks so fucking bored with all the crude attempts at chat-ups she gets all the time.\n\nI'd love to take her off and buy her a coffee and talk with her for hours and walk her home and say goodnight and walk home smiling.\n\nBut she'd always think I wanted to get her into bed when I approached.\n\nOf course, sometimes that's all I'd want.\n\nI'm such a fucking hypocrite. I'm just one of those guys - only difference is I'm too scared to come out with my intentions straight away.", |
|
"from": "loser@ireland.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I once fell asleep with my brother. I awoke to find him massaging my legs. I discovered something wonderful that night, you can find true love anywhere, even at home.", |
|
"from": "CRAMDOG@HOTMAIL.COM" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "When I am setting up for serious late-night full-bore Browitude, I make two full meals and bring them to the computer.\n\nNo, it's not because I'm a fatty or a glutton. It's because I know that while I will eat the first meal and slowly enjoy it and savor it as I read these fragmented bits from broken lives, I will get so sucked in that I will suddenly look up five hours later and go, 'Jesus, I'm fucking hungry for some reas...oh. Dawn again? Didn't that already happen yesterday? Well, time for breakfast...'\n\nThen I joyously and happily consume my sardines and beer whilst clicking and tapping away.\n\n[ fishy belch ]\n\nOH, yeah. You can TASTE the cartilage.", |
|
"from": "grayman@nwlink.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "From news coverage of the cruise-ship sickness epidemic - the very spirit of LowBrow:\nThe viruses are spread by what scientists call the fecal-oral route. As the unpleasant term suggests, transmission occurs when virus particles from an infected person's stool or vomit find their way into another person's mouth.", |
|
"from": "LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "One buddy, gloating: You know, everything's bigger in Texas.\n\nOther buddy, under his breath: Including the assholes.", |
|
"from": "zenwards@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Two 80-year-old women are driving in a car when they come upon an intersection. The light is red, but they drive right through it. The woman in the passenger seat thinks to herself, I must be losing it. I could swear we just ran a red light. After a few more minutes, they come upon another intersection, and again they run the red light. The woman in the passenger seat decides to speak up:\n\"Mildred! You just ran two red lights in a row!\"\n\n\"Oh,\" says Mildred. \"Am I driving?\"", |
|
"from": "bendevens@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i just took a huge crap, and my nose started bleeding from it.", |
|
"from": "the_hsok@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I found a free coupon to go fake tanning. Considering my white ass hasn't seen the sun in many months, and it was free, I go. First the lady working there, pretty sure the owner, is this religious old cunt. She seems almost pissed off that I am using the coupon, like I am ripping HER off. She asks me if I plan on being a regular customer. I say probably not. She asks my address. I live in the next town over, now she knows there is no fucking way I am ever gonna drive out there again. Normal tan bed time is like 20 minutes. She says, 'well I'll just put you in for 16.' I was slightly pissed, thinking that I probaly didn't even get a tan. Fast forward a few hours. My body is burned, unevenly. My ass, face, and chest are fucking red, while the rest of me is uneffected. My ass felt like it was on fire for 2 days. Damn piece of shit tanning bed. Oh well it was free.", |
|
"from": "shedidit@onpurpose.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "At Perkins, 1am:\n\n'Screw the Olive Garden, where you're here, you're family.'", |
|
"from": "nyla_ho@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "someone had me take a 'sanity test'\nincluded was 'have you ever set yourself on fire?'\ni think i did rather well\ni have only ever set others on fire", |
|
"from": "magnus9129@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I just pulled Christmas tree tinsle from my cat's ass. I told dad it would be harmful to the cat. Now I can tell him it's harmful to me too.", |
|
"from": "slept@yourdadshouse.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "As a kid, living next to the only factory that processes dead animals to fat used for lipsticks and such and used open trucks, had it's advantages.\n\nFirst of all we never had a shortage of intestines, porkfeet, and generally great big stinking piles of mucus on the street.\n\nSecondly, no fart in the world can make me sick. I am immune.", |
|
"from": "nowyoucanreachpuckeredhead@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Actually, I choose to remain unemployed for tax purposes.", |
|
"from": "jepstein@u.arizona.edu" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Broken Condom Story #3898302-748\n\nWe were at a friend's party...in the basement having sex. I didn't really like him, but I was drunk and he was decent. So we get up and I go upstairs to wash off and clean up, when I hear a shout from downstairs. Upon returning to the tiny kitchen, I find him surrounded by four people holding our condom in his hand. He had filled it up with water, and there was a tiny stream flowing out of the tip. Fuck.\n\nFuck. I don't even care if it's broken. Why the HELL are you standing there with your sperm spraying all over the kitchen? Not to mention my stuff all over it too.\n\nHe looks at me and shakes his head sadly, telling me that the condom broke. I snatched it out of his hands and threw it into the garbage disposal, kicked him in the shin, and went to the living room to drink more.\n\nServes me right for dating a drama student.", |
|
"from": "ChaoticEpiphany@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Is it just me or is there nothing in this world that gets better then after fuking you girlfriend for that last two hours.....that instead of her telling\n'I love you..' I get 'You want me to make you some raviolies?'\n\nGOD I LOVE THIS GIRL!!!!!!!!!", |
|
"from": "junglegi@earthlink.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "walking home from work today, i heard someone screaming. not really screaming anything cohesive, just screaming for the hell of it. as i neared my apartment building, i noticed an elderly woman speeding towards me on one of those motorized scooters for old/handicapped people. as the woman walking in front of me passed her, she asked the woman riding the cart if she was alright. to this, the woman replied:\n\n'OF COURSE I'M NOT FUCKING ALRIGHT! DO I FUCKING LOOK ALRIGHT TO YOU, BITCH? STUPID FUCKING CUNT!'\n\nthe woman on the handicart scooter thing kept on speeding, right in my direction. as she passed me, she looked directly into my eyes and asked me what the fuck i was looking at, and continued on her journey, all the while screaming at the top of her lungs.\n\n\n\n\noh chicago.", |
|
"from": "evcore@BUST.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was going to have sex with this guy friend of mine later that night.\nHim: Don't wear a thong tonight.\nMe: Okay!\nSo I wear these cotton boxers with no panties and i roll them up. They were extreamly comfortable. I mean like...whoa comfortable.\nI wear them every night...with no panties..", |
|
"from": "eye_am_emily@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was eating pizza in bed last night when a piece of crust fell on my blanket. I picked it up, ate it and relized it tasted nothing like pizza crust.\n\n\nP.S. My dog sleeps on my bed when Im away", |
|
"from": "judgebr@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I'm at home eating with chopsticks on the floor and decide I need to get up, but I can't be bothered putting down the chopsticks, so I leave them in my mouth.\nAs I'm standing up, my knee hits the base of one of the chopsticks and drives it up into my mouth.\nI still remember opening my mouth and the chopstick just hanging there, stuck in my hard palette, and I'm thinking 'Shit, am I dead?!'", |
|
"from": "anonobody@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Damn, my grandpa is so cool. He does the crossword pizzle everyday. He's really stubborn, so he refuses to give up when he can't do any more. As soon as he gets stuck, he starts cussing.\n'Shit!! hey! that one fits! S-h-i-t.'\nHe actually writes 'shit' in the blank. The best part is, he then continues to try and do the puzzle, incorporating the word 'shit' into his puzzle. How fucking cool is that?", |
|
"from": "mckinlel@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "you should really be carefull when you bitch about the fat person you will inevitably get sat next to on a plane flight...they almost always wait for that moment to wabble around the corner.", |
|
"from": "jonezer321@excite.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Brand new Jaguar XJ6.\n\nLeather Seats.\n\nTaking young nephew for a spin.\n\nHe smiles sheepishly. Like 'guess what?'\n\nThe little fucker plows a 6-inch deep gash in the seat with a snare-drum ratta-tatt-tatt FART.\n\nLike he apparently likes to do in his mother's old station wagon.\n\nArmor-All does nothing.\n\nLiquid Gold does nothing.\n\nMr. Reupholsterer?\n\nYes--the car is now sooooo fucking off limits to that little bastard.", |
|
"from": "driving@night.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "A friend of mine used to go into a Mongolian BBQ all-you-can-eat shithole in central Florida with a backpack that was lined with a huge ziplock bag. When none of the employees were looking, he would dump the whole tray of spare ribs into his backpack and walk out.\n\nWhat a scumbag.", |
|
"from": "fyou@peoplesuck.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was best man at my childhood buddies wedding. I moved away from the small B.C. Logging town 15 years previous. My buddy told me not to rent a tux, that the dress code was black jeans, white shirt and leather vest, I thought he was kidding.\n\nHe was not, 3 guys in black jeans and leather vests, I in a blue Boss suit, the preacher got their names wrong when he was introducing them, and then during his shitty monologue he spoke the phrase:\n\n\" ... and they can go out in to the world with the values inbreed in them.\"\n\nI have it on video, you can see me biting my tongue trying not to laugh.\n\nNo one in the crowd moved a face muscle except to take a drag off their smokes.\n\nThis is not the strangest wedding I have attended in my home town. The other involved a drunk French woman, a stiletto heel, a husband with a forehead impalement injury, 6 bikers, 3 police and a crying bride in a blood soaked white wedding dress", |
|
"from": "pyre@poisonpen.ca" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I heard a guy once say that 'The worst feeling in the world is lying alone in bed with cum on your chest and having nobody next to you.'\n\nI disagree", |
|
"from": "disagree@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Please, your holyness...just seven little numbers, and the powerball. amen", |
|
"from": "jusus82306@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Guys who can draw are sexy.\nGuys who can draw caricatures of you and him in all sorts of twisted sexual positions are marriage material.", |
|
"from": "mrsgodzilla@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I absolutely, positively cannot resist peeing in the shower.", |
|
"from": "thecutenerdgirl@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The homes of the good-time girls Donna, Lois and Ginger defined the geographical boundary of what the local boys called 'The Pubic Triangle.'", |
|
"from": "itstoohot@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Imagine the most disgusting thing in the world. A big mountain of human excrements, vomit, whatever.\n\n...\n\nChances are, somewhere, someone is turned on by that exact same thought.", |
|
"from": "grinningatearth@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "One of my friends named Kyle is uncut. I think its very funny. Everytime he makes fun of me or I do something stupid in his presence I just look at him and say, 'At least Im cut!'\n\nHe is also very shy around people, so of course, I take advantage. We were talking within a somewhat large group of people and he was being very quiet. I shouted arcross the table, 'Come on Kyle, come out of your shell!' He knew exactly what I meant.\n\n\n", |
|
"from": "dannyinkck@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "One of my roommates was dating a chick with a baby at one point.\n\nOne night he forgot to turn the monitor off, and left the receiver in the living room.\n\nWith me. And a friend I had over at the time.\n\n\n'Pound me! Pound me! Pound me!'\n\n\nUntil that day I thought people only said that type of thing in a porn movie.", |
|
"from": "proteus@ods.ods.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "sitting in my office..having lunch in our conference room with one of my co workers , cute little indian girl .\nour boss calls and asks to speak to her , proceeds to scream at her and she gets off the phone crying. she takes the office key and goes to the bathroom. figuring she lost her appetite..i ate her chicken nuggets", |
|
"from": "Lowbrow@empirestatebuilding.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "A friend of mine was donating blood to the local red cross.\nThe red cross worker went over the final questions\nHave you paid for sex or ever offered sex for money?\nMy friend replied, does roll playing count?", |
|
"from": "Morallybankrupt@Excite.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "At work, holding a tattered dollar bill. Along the edges, just within the margin, someone had written the following in orange pen.\n\n'This dollar has been pissed on. You are now holding it. Go wash your hands, Ha Ha!'", |
|
"from": "idolitor@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i once made kraft dinner, but was out of butter. so I used mayonnaise instead.\n\nThe world is full of such sorrow.", |
|
"from": "rabidbeaver@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was looking at my drivers license the other day. All the names of the counties in the state that I live in is superimposed on my picture, and written in gold... The 2 counties over my picture is Beaver and Box...\n", |
|
"from": "com_jahenry@msn.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "then it hit me crystally clear\nmost people dont know the difference between the truth and a carefully crafted and effective marking ploy\nnooks and crannies my ass", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "regurgitated philo one oh one\nso\ndue to the fact that we all perceive things very differently there are no such things as fact merely perceptions\ndescartes basicaly took it a step further and said since i perceive you you exist but if i dont you aint there\ncogito ergo sum\nok\nso if this is all my perception and exists only because i perceive\nor believe i perceive there is one comment\ni am one dumb motherfucker\ncancer\ngreat idea you frekking genius\n", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "an unnamed pro wakeboard team was staying at my house in wisconsin a couple of summers ago, and were nice enough to take us out behing thier boat. appearently, there are no boating laws in california, as there are in wi, so we got pulled over right quick.\ncop: 'where you from?'\ndon: 'oceanside, california.'\ncop: '...........'\ncop: 'ummmm.... how do you spell ocean?'\nthese are the people who 'protect' me from drunk fisherman and jet-skiiers.", |
|
"from": "xxx@mentors-weride.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "A friend of mine was wasted and had really bad gas that day. He said, 'man, I feel like I just shit myself with that one.' Then he took his right index finger and checked. He is now known as dipstick from now on.", |
|
"from": "sucks@life.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "This happened in high school. Me and a couple guys were in the bathroom minding our business, when suddenly we heard muffled deep breathing and rhythmic beats coming from one of the stalls. We looked at each other knowingly, and peered above it. And there he was, in all its glory, a chronic masturbator. He had to move soon afterwards. School became hell for him.", |
|
"from": "john342@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was 12 or 13 years old braking into my step dads shitty porn collection and jerking off every chance I had.\nThis had become such a regular and very frequent habit that I got a little to comfortable with the taking out and putting back of the videos.\nBoth Mom and Step Dad are home when we decided to watch a move on the good ole VCR when SUPRISE SUPRISE!!!!!!!!!", |
|
"from": "gabrielb@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "my life sucks every day same ol same ol i m so incredibly bored says he to me\ni told him to get involved with something that requires lawyers to straighten out\nhours of shite to keep you occupied\nand angry says he with glee\nhe got up and left\ngotta watch what you say to some people i guess", |
|
"from": "sorry_e_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I hate everything but those rubber duckies.\nRubber duckies just rock so much ass.\nI'd also like to mention that I hate meow mix commercials.\nMexicans too. Thats right, Mexicans. I said it.", |
|
"from": "FairyGrace216@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "It's official. My intestines hate me. This is the third day running when I'm over come by the need to shoot a liquid stream of burning shit out of mass only when one of my roommates has just stepped into the shower and locked the bathroom door.", |
|
"from": "toochickenshit@anotherwhiner.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Being at the point where you're ready to take your paintball gun, camo outfit, and canisters upstairs to shoot the kid in the head should give some recognition to the apartment office attendants. I've told them too many fucking times about the assholes upstairs that let their kid run and stomp around till 2:30 in the morning and seem to have absolutely no concept of living above someone, but do they care? HELL NO. They basically look at me like a retard and tell me they will send a letter asking them to stop.\n\nLetter gets sent. I come outside to find they've poured some shit on my chairs outside. Move the chair, let it dry, come back out to find they've dumped something else AFTER I've moved the fucking chair to have it soaked once more. I swear if there weren't laws against giving people what they deserve they'd all have quite a few welts on their fucking faces.", |
|
"from": "Outofmymindyo@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i'm getting thoroughly pissed at all the idiots on here who turn down sex in the stories they post.", |
|
"from": "coda27@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "In the dark hours of the morning while zipping along the PA Turnnpike I was being tailgated quite closely. And he his headlights were quite bright. I reckoned it unsafe, and punched the accelerator to approach the outer edge of the acceptable speed envelope. The bastard was still on my tail! The road was pretty empty. What kind of sick fucking game was this asshole trying to play? Finally, I rolled down my window, stuck my arm out and thrust him 'the Finger'. 'That'll teach him!'\nAbout ten seconds later, his red flashing lights and screeching siren pierced the silence of the road. But this time, it was his arm out the window waving me to pull over. The State Trooper swaggered up to my window and said: 'Son, if you ever wave that finger at me again, I will fucking break it off!'\nAnd it was only 5:15am!", |
|
"from": "notacompletefool@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I met a real live porn star today. She gave a guest lecture at college, and posed a good question:\n\nIs there any logical reason for the city to be spending so much of its resources to keep guys from being able to get a blowjob for $50? Or to keep women from making $50 off a blowjob?\n\nI didn't think so either.\n", |
|
"from": "suspiciouskay@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "When you start sneaking Irish Creme Liqueur into your morning coffee, is that a sign of becoming an alcoholic?\n\nOr is it when you start drinking the Liqueur *without* the coffee?", |
|
"from": "UMCPong@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "In our dorm we all have whiteboards on our doors, and these guys down the hall color theirs in, and then write 'Hi!' in an outline.\n\nEverytime I pass by I draw 'I ' on the door. And everyday they color it back in, which takes far more effort.\n\nSome people never learn.", |
|
"from": "dlhodge@u.washington.edu" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "During Spring Break I got shit faced and threw up on the fattest girl I could find.\n\nThat'll teach her.", |
|
"from": "TripleForteX@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I once drank a Honey Brown that was open, and sitting in someone's fridge for 4 months", |
|
"from": "RUCameron77@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Went over to the neighbor's house to get my ladder back. She invited me in while she looked in the laundry room for it, and began a typical jesusfreak spiel about why my 'fuck you, you fucking fuck' t-shirt and my pentagram necklace were going to send me to hell.\nThen her voice died off, as she noticed me holding the DVD entitled 'Rectal Mania' that I'd found on her coffee table.", |
|
"from": "cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Crazy high on too much acid, demanding that I be allowed to leave Denny's.\n\nDoor's over there, guy.\n\nAh.", |
|
"from": "moons@my.hammy" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I used to work nightshifts in a supermarket.\n\nI used to take great delight in masturbating into my managers desk draw. I would spurt all over his things. Fuck you Mark.", |
|
"from": "imasturbate@constantly.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Searching for my Christmas presents one year, I come across a large bag all tied up and hidden in the corner of my mum and dads cupboard.\n'The fools' I smugly think to myself. As I carefully untie the knot in the bag, I gleefuly await to see what gifts I shall recive this year. As I open the bag, I am greeted with a vibrator, lube, handcuffs and a whip.\n\nChristmas will never be the same again", |
|
"from": "lady_glow@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Due to the raunchy sex I've had, words like cock and dick and cunt are no longer dirty and alluring.\n\nBut when he says 'Would you please suck my penis baby' my panties flood.", |
|
"from": "redeyedfrenzy@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I used to go nuts when I saw guys walking around with the asses of their jeans around their knees. Drove me right up the wall....I SO wanted to go up and pants them.\n\nThen I wound up in bed with one of them.\n\nNow I know why they wear them so baggy.\n\nDamn.", |
|
"from": "kongdong@yourpants.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Re---straiiin--inng\n\norrrr-ddeeerrr.", |
|
"from": "kanooka@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Sometimes I drive behind the gas station in town and turn on the lights and sirens. Then I walk through the crowd of druggies and confiscate all there weed. Tell them if I find them here again they'll get it. And that I know all of their parents. Then I turn off the lights and drive around in my patrol car getting high on their weed.\nGod i love being chief of police.\n", |
|
"from": "leverett@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Remember the countless hours of childhood entertainment derived from pouring Elmer's Glue on your fingertips, waiting for it to dry and slooo-wly peeling it off to create those semi-transparent fingerprint coccoons? I bought a bottle of Nu-Skin this weekend and discovered, to my idiotic childish surprise, you can do the same exact thing, save the drying time which is two minutes verus twenty.\n\nI love medical technology. Who says science can't be fun?", |
|
"from": "mrsgodzilla@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Meanwhile, what do you say to a girl when she tells you her roommate said she was easy, and she's all upset about it...and she totally is the Village Bicycle?\n\nI can only shake my head in disgust and bite my upper lip to avoid saying 'That's because you are!'", |
|
"from": "ultranorsk@livejournal.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was going out with some friends, and while they were sipping beer in the kitchen, I slipped nto the bathroom. I was combing my hair, trying to look as sexy as hell, in order to get lucky that night. \nSuddenly, I had to fart. Well, better here then in the kitchen, I thought, so I let one off. \n\nThe horror!!! Shit running down my legs in my brand new baggy trousers! And all my friends in the next room!! I didn't feel it coming, but I had shit in my trousers. Liquid shit! \n\nI quickly undressed, took a shower, and found a pair of trousers belonging to my sister. \n\nI pulled my shit together (literally and figure of speech) and walked into the kitchen. There I was, holding a pair of trousers covered in diahrea, wearing my sisters trousers (I'm a guy) red-faced, and ashamed as hell. Jaws dropped, and things even got worse when my sister entered the kitchen. Eventually, my sister ended up washing my trousers, I drove my friends to the party, where I couldn't score any girl, because every time I got into a conversation with one, my friends interviened, telling her: \"D'you know what happened just two hours ago?\" \n\nI hate my friends. \n", |
|
"from": "notgoingtotelleveryone@hairymail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i frequently find myself in the checkout line at the supermarket with a case of beer, a package of toilet paper, and a stick of butter. \n", |
|
"from": "frik@frak.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Some of my friends are disgusted by the vast terminology I use when describing the Brow. \n\nnobrow - a moment that is shit and isn't in the spirit of lowbrow \n\nhobrow - a moment about some girl...who's a ho. \n\nbongbrow - a moment about drug use \n\nlongbrow - a lowbrow that's exceptionally long. definitely a gamble to read the whole thing. more often than not they end up being a pointless and shitty ramble, but every once in a while they're golden. \n", |
|
"from": "SeriousSam101@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Upon graduating from firefighting academy, it was our day of honor. We all marched out in our dress blues with our badges shining, our flags flowing in the wind. I was a flag bearer. I was carrying the academy flag. It was proud moment until i slipped and cut my scrotum open with the end of the flag, then scream FUCK!! as loud as i could as my face slid across the pavement. At least 5 cadets behind me tripped on top of me. It was a sight to behold as the ambulance pulled up to pick up a squeeling bleeding cadet in front of his family and 5000 other family members. It was a day of honor. \n", |
|
"from": "lonelymatador@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "So, we're all going to Rocky Horror Picture Show, my friend (Hi Sailor!) and I not having been for about 5 years since they shut it down in Berkeley, and the other three virgins. I show up to the coffee shop in jeans and a t-shirt (Rocky gear underneath clothes; I've almost gotten my ass kicked for wearing it in public), and my significant other gets out of the car fully (un?)dressed with a flimsy cape covering her up. \n\nShe's wearing a purple corset, accentuating her natural hourglass and making her tits assault her chin; a pair of barely-there-underwear of the \"really-small-shorts-mixed-with-a-thong-and-proudly-displaying-the-undercurves-of-the-buttocks\" variety, thigh-high fishnets (mandatory for Rocky), 6\" stiletto heels making her just a bit taller than I am, and a lavender A-cut wig. Mantras praising the Gods run through my mind, as I know that I'm gonna get to do her in that outfit, preferably bent over the hood of my car. \n\nLater that night, I did do her bent over the hood of my car. Funny thing is she was wearing my jeans and t-shirt, and I'm pumpin' away wearing a bustier and thigh-highs. \n\nAt least I took the heels off... \n", |
|
"from": "Xerxes_the_Great@mad.scientist.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "i love tofu. i think it is one of the tastiest things there is out there. but it gives me awful gas. really bad. but i don't care cause it's tasty. i had some tofu the other day and then at work i kept lettin em out. they were rank. but they were quiet. so i was set. then this lady that sits on the other side of the cubicle wall from me starts talkin about how something smelled really terrible. \nshe said she thought a bird or squirrel or something had gotten into the ventalation, died, and was rotting. \n\ni started to laugh. \n\nnow i think they know it was me. \n", |
|
"from": "ashamed@mylife.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My two year old sister came into my room demanding: \"Cock.\" I asked her what it was she wanted, hoping that I had heard her wrong, but she repeated exactly what she said the first time. I laughed a little, but was shocked and appalled, wondering were she could've heard such language. \n\nI started asking her if she wanted other things that begin with the letter c, other than cock, to see what she was actually trying to ask me for. She said yes when I asked her if she wanted \"cars,\" the little toy cars on the floor in the room. We played with them for a while, I was the little van, she was a little yellow car. I started chasing after her car with a toy crocodile, and she shrieked no. \n\n\"Here comes the fire truck, to save the day!\" chimed my five year little brother. \n\nHe reached for the fire truck and I say a purple watch around his wrist, he had called it a \"clock\" earlier. My little sister pointed to it and said: \"Cock! Want cock!\" \n\n\"Clock.\" I said, \"Say Clock.\" \n\n\"Clock!\" \n\nJust then, a fire truck unorthodoxly saved the day, by hammering the giant crocodile from the sky. 'Wow,' I thought, this all seemed like a great allegory at the time, truly symbollic about communicating with children, and how one little letter can cause distress and confusion. \n\nShe pointed to the watch as he grated the fire truck against the reptile's face, looked at me and shouted: \n\n\"Cock! Cock!\" \n", |
|
"from": "ngentile@oswego.edu" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I have a fondness for really tacky things, like pink plastic flamingos and dashboard hula girls on springs. \n\nMy dashboard hula girl is the genuine article - all the way from Hawaii (via eBay). I love when I give people rides and their opinion of me drops off a cliff, all because of my tacky hula girl. \n\nCome November, my wife and stepdaughter bring my van back from the mall, giggling their heads off. They won't tell me why. \n\nI shrug, get in the van, head out to the BrewPub. I glance over at my hula girl, and drive straight off the road. \n\nIt must have taken them hours to find it all -- she's wearing a fur coat, big furry boots, ski goggles, and a big fur hat... \n", |
|
"from": "LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "SO... I go into work this morning and walk into the NOC. Mike says that one of the computers isn't recognizing the operating system. So he checked BIOS to see if there was a hard drive detected. There wasn't. So he opened up the computer to see if the hard drive cables were loose. Nope, that surely wasn't the problem. Someone had put a pair of underwear in the computer. They'd placed them in front of some fans. So we suspect that it got too hot in the computer and everything fried. \n\nSo after bringing this up with HR and all of my various bosses it was decided that we should try to find out who did this. So I had to collect aforementioned tighty whities and lock them up. Well, I had Mike and Danny collect the butt huggers, 'cuz I surely wasn't trying to touch them. Danny and Mike noticed there are yellow stains, and not piss yellow stains. I suspect someone nutted during their shift and took off the underoos. They couldn't leave them on the desk or in the desk or in the trash because someone else might have seen. They probably thought they had time to grab them before they left, and wouldn't ya know it, they forgot about them. \n\nANYWAY, so I had to hand out copies of the \"Rules of Conduct\". I have to have everyone sign that they read and understand the rules. I also had to send out an email that if we find out who the \"Panty Stasher\" is that employee will be immediately terminated. \n\nShy of DNA samples, I'm not really sure how anyone thinks we will find the culprit. I just don't get it. It just figures that I would be the one manager in the world to have a Panty Stasher in my bunch of employees. You just gotta love working in porn. Ain't nothin' quite like it. \n", |
|
"from": "asshole@dungeonhollywood.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was in a buddy's wedding, he was marrying a girl from college not an attractive girl, but \"one in the hand...\" \n\nWe were at the rehersal and her sister who I was walking with said, in front of everyone, \"I sure hope I don't trip and fall\" \n\nI replied \"I will laugh and point if you do!\" \n\nShe runs of crying, and this was no track star run either as I remember. \n\nLow brow moment coming... \n\n\"She has two prosthetic legs, you ass!\" said the groom \n", |
|
"from": "superjerk@thewedding" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I wish I had never seen the guy at the urinal with a candybar in one hand and his johnson in the other. \n", |
|
"from": "surgius@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "After about fifteen minutes of making madly passionate love, my girl suddenly remembered she'd forgotten to take her tampon out. \n\nNow, is that the lowbrow moment, or is it the fact that I hadn't noticed? \n", |
|
"from": "limbo@lowbrow.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I don't eat at 'Waffle House' restaurants...ever. \n\nThis is my father's story. \n\nThey were out early working and stopped in at a Waffle House in rural South Carolina. \n\nThe cook was obviously still drunk from the night before. \n\nThey were watching him weave slowly back and forth over the griddle when suddenly he vomits right onto the hot surface. \n\nTime stopped. \n\nThey all watched in horror as the vomit started to cook up and solidify. The cook, unphased, takes his spatula and professionally folds up the vomit omelette and deposits it in the trash. \n\nThey decided to find a McDonalds instead. \n", |
|
"from": "azzaze1o@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Spencer, NY is one sorry little town. \n\nSort of place where the most popular rental movie is \"Honey, I Diddled The Kids.\" \n\nThe only possible reason to visit Spencer is the summertime cheerleader carwash. \n\nFor $3, you can sit in your car and have a dozen bikini-n-wet-T-shirt clad cheerleaders soap up your car by hand, whiles giggling and spraying water over each other. \n\nFourteen miles south of Ithaca, just before the one stoplight, gas station on the right. \n\nJust in case you wondered exactly where. \n", |
|
"from": "limbo@IJustGotFired.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I fell off the carport while making some repairs for the neighbors and right into some overgrown Oregon blackberries bushes in the empty lot next door. It took hours for them to cut me out. I had a lot of time to think while I hung from the thorny brambles watching my shorts dangle from a snarl about 8 feet above me. \n\n\"I really should start wearing underwear\" \n", |
|
"from": "gaugesutter@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Ever seen the movie midnight in the garden of good and evil? \nYou know the drag queen in it? \n\nShe's real, and my \"big brother\" (my favorite partner in crime) used to be in her entourage. \n\nOnce, she picked up the wrong makeup compact before the show. \n\nShe powered her face with her own cocaine and went onstage, hundreds of dollars of coke glittering in the strobe lights. \n\n~puck~ \n", |
|
"from": "princess_zelda23@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "We went to a strip club for my best friends bachelor party. She wanted to see male strippers. They were funny if anything, fuzzy in their moves, trying to look sexy. \nThey didn't look sexy at all. \n\nShe was so sad about it that I went looking for the groom and found him in the adjoined club fucking a stipper. \n\nA male stripper. \n\nThey've been married for five years now. I haven't said a word. \n", |
|
"from": "dana_it@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I lost my virginity at 16. It wasn't so bad that it was in the back of car. But what was bad was that he couldn't figure out how to work the first condom, or the second. So by the third (and last) condom he had to turn on the dome light and read the directions. By that time his dick was half soft and I'd say the moment was pretty much gone. Thanks asshole, I didn't want to write about losing my virginity in \"Dear Diary\" anyway. \n", |
|
"from": "LaDeeFrickingDa@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "A friend was complaining about being called to the emergency room late Thursday night to sedate a \"combative\" patient for a CT scan after he was found by the side of a major highway next to his motorcycle unconscious. \nWhen she got there, she found nurses cutting the pants off a perfectly healthy, unscathed, young man for a femoral line with the patient screaming \"I WAS TAKING A NAP, I WAS TAKING A NAP!!!\" Turns out he got tired, put the bike down, and woke up to find two EMTs strapping him to a back board. \n\nSomeone had called it in as an accident. \n\nPeople can be very, very, stupid. \n", |
|
"from": "hislastduchess@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "There are more tnan 1,000 chemicals in coffee, of those 26 have been tested, of the 26 1/2 cause cancer in labratory rats. \n", |
|
"from": "lindsaye69@hotmail.cok" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I wrote with mindless abandon. My blackened heart skipped a few beats with every horrid second of my life passing... and then.. just then.. I realised... \n\n...I had written bad gothic poetry. \n", |
|
"from": "lereine@velvet.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "A friend told me this story and I found it quite hilarious: \n\nLeaving Montreal for Quebec, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. As I go in the washroom the first stall is taken so I go in the second stall. As I sit down I hear a voice from the next stall... \"Hi there, how is it going?\" \n\nI'm not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to do so finally I say: \"Not bad...\" \n\nThe voice says: \"So, what are you doing?\" \n\nTalk about your dumb questions. I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say: \"Well, I'm just going to the bathroom, then I'm going back east...\" \n\nThen I hear the person say all flustered: \"Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question - this idiot in the next stall answers me!\" \n", |
|
"from": "paragoned333@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My wife wears my clothes, drives my truck, eats my Tastycakes, and even reads my books. But she won't touch my beer. \nThen she says \"Why do you like beer so much?\" \n\nBecause it's MINE. \n", |
|
"from": "kell_h0und@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My parents never cought me having sex. They did the next best thing though. \n\nOne day my (long-time since) girlfriend and I get back to my parents place, and my parents are on their way out to have the car inspected - a task that seems to always take a few hours. \n\n\nWell they depart and my GF and I decide we have some time to fool around. \n\nUpstairs my Loudly Vocal GF and I go to my Very old Very Squeeky bed. We were having a great time of it to, probably one of our best sessions - till we hear a noise downstairs. \n\nSo we dress, and we wander downstairs. Low and Behold my parents had decided that this year they were not going to wait for the car as usual... they had just dropped it off and came right home! \n\nSo there the four of us were standing in our kitchen trying to act normal.... except for the fact that my mother did not look directly at either of us... and my dad was grinning like an idiot the entire time. \n", |
|
"from": "Child_o_Gaia@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I just had my first lucid dream(i.e. a dream where you are aware that you are dreaming), but i can't tell anyone. Thats because i spent the whole dream flying around my room jerking off. \n", |
|
"from": "firin@sorno.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I'm in a bar called Fat Harry's in New Orleans working it with an incredibly hot chick. We have already agreed to a date and exchange of phone numbers and it's near 3 am and we are really clicking. \n\nAll of sudden, my stomach turns and I have to take a major dump. I head to the bathroom and the men's bathroom door doesn't lock and all there is is a can w/ yak, and toilet paper and piss all over the place. \n\nI decide to hold it. \n\nI go back to the chick and say let's get out of here. Too distracted to make an advance I put her in a cab and send her home. I live about five blocks from the bar, I walk home. All of sudden I just have to go. I turn down a side street and dump in somebody's front yard in the darkness. \n\nI go home and clean my self and pass out. \n\nNext afternoon, the chick calls me and says let's go out tonight. During the evening she says how impressed she was that I didn't make a move last night. We go back to her place and screw for five days straight. \n\nThat was the luckiest dump I ever took. \n", |
|
"from": "bigeasy_70118@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was driving through miles and miles of nothing but miles and miles. It was central Texas and thank heavens for over-sized air conditioners. \n\nA buzzard was chomping on roadkill up ahead. I figured it would fly off as I approached. It did not lift off until I was almost on top of it. \n\nThe bird hit the windshield post right in front of me as I slammed on the brakes. When I stopped I realized that the damn thing had done a shoulder roll over my car and was gliding into the shade under a lone tree. It landed, turned around and stared at me. \n\nJust my luck to have run into a stunt buzzard. \n", |
|
"from": "abig_problem@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was home alone one night, bored and horny. I looked over at the dog and got a good idea. So I put some dog food on my crotch and let the dog lick it off. My mom came home and found me. We haven't spoken of that moment ever since. \n", |
|
"from": "isuck@yourmom.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "At my camp, they had differing qualities of bathrooms, and believe it or not, the ones with the decomposing toilets (the specific make was Clivus Multrum, for the curious) were usually cleaner and in better shape. Makes sense though - each age group had about one bathroom, and each age group had upwards of 50 kids, so naturally the few flushing bathrooms are gonna get clogged up and manky as shit. \n\nExcept the bathroom used by the youngest age group. \n\nThere were rafters above, about eight or nine feet up, on top of the partition in the middle of the bathroom. On either side of the partition was a row of toilets. (Did I mention that the stalls had no doors, only long pieces of burlap hanging in front?) \n\nKids would climb up to the rafters, then drop their pants, stick their scrawny little asses over the side, and take \"rafter dives\" - shit in an attempt to land their crap inside the clivus. \n\nThey often missed. \n\nOlder kids (like myself) who knew about the practice were forbidden from talking about it to the little kids, for fear of inspiring them. Also the rafters were used as storage space, loaded up with tons of junk to prevent kids from being able to clamor up there. \n\nWhen I was a youngster, I never did it. But to be honest, now that I'm older and mature, I really wish that I had at least given it a try. \n", |
|
"from": "SeriousSam101@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I remember the day when I wore my glasses for the first time. \n\nThey felt a little funny on my face at first, but all was forgotten as soon as I looked up on that crisp fall morning. \n\nStunned by the sudden clarity of the world, I walked around, wide-eyed, gleefully counting the minute blades of grass on the ground. \n\nAnd then I walked into a tree. \n", |
|
"from": "DasVeilchen@www.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "It was a good movie... one of which I would have enjoyed had it not been for Brad. I was sitting next to him with my hand on his thigh. \na 1/4 of the way into the movie he looked over at me. I caught his stare. He gave me a rather sensual gaze. I started to move my leg up and down his thigh... concentrating mainly on the upper, inner thigh. He put one arm around me and the other on my stomach. He slowly put his hand under my shirt. I started to breath deep and my hips started to moved in a repetitious patterns. \n\nThats when I realized he wanted it... AND SO DID I BABY!!!! \n\nWe were in the back of the theatre, but there were enough people around us to make it exciting. \n\nHe pulled at me to come sit on his lap. Luckly I was wearing my short black mini-skirt. As I went to sit on his lap, he slowly rolled my mini-skirt up to mu hips. When I sat down, I could feel that he had already undone his pants.. because his dick was between my thighs when i sat down. \n\nI sat back up just enough to place his dick in my pussy. And I slid sown on it ever so slowly... just to make him wince. \n\nI took his hands and slid them up under my tight, white shirt. He started to rub my breasts in the most erotic fashion. \n\nI arched my back and started to move my hips in a circular motion and back and forth. \n\nI heard him let out a very soft but intense moan. I moved and moved my lower body while keeping the top half of me mobile so no one would be aware of us. \n\nI moved and moved until he finally came. \n\nThen he crawled on the floor and licked my pussy till I screamed in the theatre. We both dropped to the ground when everyone turned to look in the back of the theatre. \n\nMan, there are a lot of Starbursts on the floor... and BOY, are they sticky! \n\nWanna go to a movie? \n\nSEX does a body good! \n", |
|
"from": "Sexme@themovie.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "he took off his shirt to wipe up the vomit of the girl he probably loves, and all i could think was shit, he looks good. god bless chivalry. \n", |
|
"from": "toss_pie@elvispresley.communist" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "While at Crossroads Mall in Salt Lake City, Utah I see a young boy waiting outside of a store while his mother shops inside. \n\nHe's standing next to a 20-Something man dressed all in black leather, tatoos, peircings...the works. When Suddenly, the mother comes out of the store, grabs her son and runs off in a huff, giving the 20-soemthing lad a look of sheer terror. \n\nThe best part? The leather clad lad wore a t-shirt that said; \"I EAT UNATTENDED CHILDREN.\" \n", |
|
"from": "Isis_Priestess@msn.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I downloaded a free pop-up blocker. imagine how pissed off i was when i found out a window pops up saying that it just blocked a pop-up. \n", |
|
"from": "seth@aol.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "in the seventies my mother took me to the mall to meet santa claus. waited in line for upwards of an hour. sat on his lap and had my picture taken. Later on in the mall I had to pee and went down the hallway where the bathrooms were. santa clause was there by the coke machine with his beard off. \n\ni stopped and froze. \n\nhe had a cigarette burning in his hand. \"what are you looking at, kid?\" \n\nthe urine spread in a warm blossom on my trousers and wet my sneakers. \n", |
|
"from": "champ@midgetchaos.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "he says to me \n\"yeah but see, the difference is when YOU play the guitar and sing a song, you don't sound like a dying hooker getting a red hot poker in the asshole... mike does.\" \n\nmike was right behind him \n", |
|
"from": "layz_e@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Me and some friends were watching tv when my friend attemps to grab a bag of chips but at the same time emptying the contents all over my new rug. So being very high and hungry we get to work by picking up every single crumb. \n\n\"This is fun.\" said Alec. \n\n\"No Alec..... this is delicious.\" \n", |
|
"from": "asher_e187@msn.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was at work, and my supervisor was wearing a hideous tie with a pattern of a baby's face in the middle of a potted sunflower. In front of about 15 of my coworkers I said to my supervisor, \"Hey, those are some creepy babies on your tie.\" And he replied, \"That's my son. My wife had this tie made for Father's Day.\" \n", |
|
"from": "jenpizzazz@bolt.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "When I was a kid, my mom worked at a candy store. One of the things they sold there was called a licorice knot. It was *forty* pieces of red shoestring licorice, each three feet long, tied in a big knot. \n\nOnce when I was about 11 or 12, I ate a whole licorice knot in one sitting. About two hours later I had horrible diahhrea, made blood red from the dye in all that licorice. \n\nI thought I was dying. I cried. \n", |
|
"from": "fake@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "\"Girl's don't poop.\" he said indignantly. \n\nShe laughed. \n\n\"They don't! The really pretty ones don't even pee!\" \n\nShe laughed again and proceeded to extinguish the camp fire with her urine. \n\nNeedless to say, he didn't talk to her anymore. \n", |
|
"from": "thedoomsongkid@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I drank a lot in college. Almost everyday, so needless to say my ass wasn't always regular. \n\nOne morning I was sitting on this chicks chest getting head. I decided it was time to penetrate her and hopped off to mount her. With utter amazement and shock, I noticed a little clump of shit between her tits! With lightning quick reflexes I wiped it off with my hand. She looked at me really perplexed, so I just buried my face in her crotch. Nothing was ever mentioned about it. \n\nA lot of shit happens in my life. Bizarre. \n", |
|
"from": "somebody_low@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Man.. when I was a junior in High School, one of my teachers asked me if I had ever been so sick, that I vomitted and shit diarhea at the same time. I said no, I didn't think it was possible. He said he knew someone in college who did that once. I was kinda weirded out and told him that was interesting. \n\nTwo weeks later, I had diarrhea, then I decided I was done, flushed, and got off the toilet, just to turn around and kneel to puke. Just as I shot chunky vomit into the toilet bowl, a steady stream of shit came out of my ass, all over my feet. \n\nI swear, my teacher was some kind of witch doctor. \n", |
|
"from": "oren_nk@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was running low on lighter fluid for my Zippo and we just happened to be at the Mart of Wal, so I grabbed a can and proceded to check out. \n\nThe girl behind the counter asked to see my I.D. \n\nI asked, \"What if I'm not using it to smoke, just set stuff on fire?\" \n\nI bought a pack of matches at a conveinence store down the street. \n", |
|
"from": "kilrwolf@wolf-web.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "had to sit through excruciating discussion in a writing workshop. so i loudly announced \"is motherfucker one word or two?\" we proceeded to have a 20 minute discussion. \n", |
|
"from": "doorhinge1@flatearth.edu" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "A friend of mine nearly got suspeneded from school and kicked out of two computer classes for looking at 'innnapropreate' websites at school. What web site, you ask? \n\nThank you LowBrow.com... \n\n", |
|
"from": "Vibrations@ElectricPenis.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "We used to live in a house with a flat roof, kind of like on apartment buildings. I used to climb up there and sunbathe nude. It was great because no one saw me up there and no one came up to the roof except me. One day I caught the kid across the street hiding on his (also flat) roof with binoculars. I didn't think it was a big deal. The next day there were two of them up there. On the third day I threw a rock wrapped in my underwear and almost hit one of them in the head. Soon after that I moved out. I wonder what he does with my underwear now. \n", |
|
"from": "youwish@yourmom.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "BrewPub #103\n\nShe's sitting with her \"friend.\" The three of us met a couple weeks ago. I like her guy, a lot. \n\n'Cept I like her a lot, too. And besides, she is awfully purty by my standards, and is leaning way back on the rail with her wrap skirt not wrapping much of anything at all. \n\nHe likes me a lot, and probably trusts me completely. He watches the band, and I don't even try to pretend to her I'm not watching her legs. \n\nShe catches the direction of my gaze, and blushes (I didn't know that could be faked, but now I do). \n\nMe: \"I'd like to apologise for ogling you...\" \n\nShe interrups: \"Hey! It's Friday night!\" \n\nMe, continuing: \"...but I can't quite help myself. Your legs are not sitting out there by accident, are they?\" \n\nWithin a space of 15 seconds, I get to compare a fake blush with a real blush. \n\nI'm not done shaming myself. I'm not really flirting, at this point, and I like the guy a lot... \n", |
|
"from": "LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Thanks to television, I now know I can make my nipples erect with eye drops. \nOf course, this is for fashion, not for fun. For fun you need another person... or a really flexible neck. \n", |
|
"from": "cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "A black leather and lace bustier, complete with garter snaps: $65 \n\nA custom-fitted black leather and steel chain thong which falls completely off with the unsnapping of two snaps: $60 (after cuteness discount) \n\nA pair of one-size-fits-all fishnet thigh-highs: $10 \n\nA pair of black patent leather, 4-inch stiletto heels: $75 \n\nA lace choker: $15 \n\nAssorted makeup products, including (but not limited to) lipstick, lip liner, eye shadow, mascara, foundation, blush, and eye liner: $20 \n\nA 6'-1\", 165lb guy with facial hair getting third place at the \"Leather-n-Lace\" Lingerie contest at Rocky Horror Picture Show: priceless \n\nHey! I was happy with third place! I would have won if those damn chicks didn't get naked! I thought this was a lingerie contest! \n", |
|
"from": "Xerxes_the_Great@mad.scientist.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "one night, when halfway to dreamland, i felt some sharp discomfort towards the tip of my dick. being half asleep, i just pawed at it with my hand. but the feeling wouldn't stop, so i got up and walked to the bathroom where there was light, and took of my boxers, to find a little black ant had found its way to the hole and was trying to get inside or something. when i grabbed him, he held on for life as i pulled him off. i squashed him and drowned him in hte toilet. the hole of my prick stung from the bite. \nfor weeks i wouldn't sleep in my usual comfortable loose boxers. \n", |
|
"from": "erfatron@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "When I get my hair cut, especially when they cut the little edges around my ears and the back of my neck, I get this tingling feeling in my whole body. I swear it's almost as good as sex. Feels so good, I'd get my hair cut every day if it would grow fast enough. \n", |
|
"from": "wychlea@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "lowbrow is basically the same thing as a confessional. you walk in here, you don't know who you're talking to except for the sunglassed eyes or rubber ducks on top of the page. \n\nyou type your moment \n\nand then serve as the preist for a hundred other moments \n\nnot judging, not hating, barely even caring \n\njust reading and tolerating and absorbing those gross acts, absolving the perpetrators of their guilt. \n\nwho needs a goddamn church, we have an internet.... \n", |
|
"from": "djtalon@subdimension.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "DWPKOTLFTGITBMSAMTT \n\nDeep Wet Passionate Kiss On The Lips From The Guy In The Black Mini Skirt And Matching Tube Tip \n\nOh God I Think Im In Love \n", |
|
"from": "someone@somewhere.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "its nice to hear your ex moan that she had forgotten how good it could be and that it hadn't been that good since the last time a couple of years ago \n\ni guess 12 orgasms is a lot in one sitting \n", |
|
"from": "broad@minded.org" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Grew up fighting, and such. \nMuscles are all sinew, arms covered in scars. Kicked out of school sophmore year, found out I have a 130-odd IQ. Came back from \"alternative\" school and graduated in summer school senior year. \n\nStarted drinking again after graduation, continued shitty manual labor occupation. \n\nThen I went and found a girl who reminded me I had a heart. Started wearing glasses. Find my hair in ponytail even when I'm not doing finger push ups. She still broke my heart, never had a chance. Still will always love her, damn foreign girls. \n\nNow I know why my ancestors liked to pillage Rome, it wasn't the gold. \n", |
|
"from": "Fury440iii@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "at work, we somehow discovered dolphinsex.org \n\nand we were laughing hysterically, until amy asked we were laughing at, \n\nso my friend sent her the link through email \n\nand she said \"did you get it?\" \n\nand amy said \"no... thats wierd\" \n\nand then she realized that she had just sent dolphinsex.org to the president of the company's wife, amy. \n\nso we resent to email to the right amy, and later we heard her say \"FOURTEEN INCHES!?!?!? WOW!\" \n\n... and we wondered why we got laid off... \n", |
|
"from": "scarboy@razordaze.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "age does not diminish the sheer disappointment of the ice cream scoop falling off the cone to the ground. \n", |
|
"from": "nigelmcdermott@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I remember once in highschool, I was talking to this friend of mine. He just stopped talking for a second, looked off into space, and let out the loudest burp I had ever heard in my life. I still havent heard anything that even compares to it. \nEveryone int he entire hall stopped what they were doing, and looked over at him. \n\nFor that one second, he was a king. \n", |
|
"from": "OpusUnit@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The two gorgeous girls I was with began making out at the bar. Heads began to turn. Jaws began to drop. I already had our jackets together and was gulping down the last of the long island ice tea as I led them out the door, trembling. \n\nOops, the bar tab. \n\nI ran back in to the still silent bar room. - - \"Hey, what did I owe you?\" \n\n\"On the house, buddy. It's on the house. <i>Go. Now. Hurry.</i>\" \n", |
|
"from": "snikrepkire@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "somewhere in the middle of nowhere, south dakota...... \n\nfive large men shooting pool trying to play get-im-drunk-and-take-im-home with myself and my friend sarah (hah! we're already way too drunk for that, joke's on them!)..... \n\none of them is wearing these chilli-pepper chefs pants, loud, very obnoxious, I zero in on my target..... \n\n\"No, I don't want to get IN your pants, I want you to GIVE ME your pants.....\" \n\nso close. \n\nhe had them 'twixt his ankles before he chickened out. \n", |
|
"from": "lizlips@imabadlittlegirl.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "on a box of candles it says do not expose to extreme heat \n\nwh the hell would you ever put a box in something flaming hot? \n\nand what would happen to the candles if you did? \n\nif multiple candles are lit right next to each other do they have this magic power to kill and destroy? \n", |
|
"from": "pweck@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I ate at an asian restaurant today with some coworkers. \n\nCome time for fortune cookies everyone read their fortunes aloud. On my turn I looked down at my fortune and voiced, \"Not only did your girlfriend leave you, your cat is going to die.\" \n\nIt surprised me that all of them reached to pull the slip of paper from my hands to read it. \n", |
|
"from": "zyir@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Grassroots Festival, 2000 - take 3 \n\nSitting beside me are a bunch of guys who have a $20 bill attached to some transparent fishing line. \n\nThey place it in the middle of the pathway, and when somebody spots it and reaches down, they whip it away. \n\nThey are having far too much fun, for far too long. \n\nWhen I leave, I step on the fishing line, then grab the $20. \n\nThey look like they're going to cry, so I give it back. \n", |
|
"from": "limbo@IJustGotFired.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Telemarketer Preventer: \n\nA Telemarketer calls. \n\nEngage him/her for a few minutes of pithy interest. \n\nThen hold the reciever away from you and point one of those self contained Marine Warning Horns into the reciever and press the button. \n\nReally blast the fucker. \n\nAfter the report, put the reciever to your ear and listen closely for the response. My personal studies have shown that it is 100% instantly effective. Your name will be removed from the List. \n\nYou have now embarked on a successful campaign to eliminate these pesky salespeople. \n\nIt really works. \n\nYou're welcome. \n", |
|
"from": "shfpdx@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Once again, I get invited to interview for a job as a writer. \n\nTakes me by surprise, so I scrabble to put some writing samples together for them. \n\nThey're impressed, but want to see more, immediately. \n\nI tell them: \"Just go to LowBrow.com, and keep clicking until you find moments from Limbo. That's me.\" \n\nThey follow my instructions, right during the interview. \n\nI watch. After a few moments from LadeeFrickingDa (hi, sweetie!) and cheerleader@yercrotch (hi, sweetie!), I realize I'm not going to get hired... \n", |
|
"from": "LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Into Thick Air\n\nHitchhiking around Scotland on my own, I joined up with a bunch of Americans toting their inevitable, unenviable 60lb backpacks. \n\nWe stayed at the Glen Nevis Youth Hostel, in the imposing shadow of Ben Nevis, the highest mountain in Britain. \n\n4,409 feet doesn't seem like much of a mountain, but it shoots straight up to that height from sea level. \n\nAfter 3 hours of climbing, with the air going thin and us already past the treeline and into the clouds, it certainly seemed like a mountain. \n\nWe were just starting to get impressed with our effort when we were suddenly overtaken by a guy in running shorts \n\nAn hour later, with us still two hours from the top, he passed us on his return trip. \n\nFinally at the top, standing at the edge of a sheer, 2,000 foot cliff, we managed to forget about the runner and congratulate ourselves. \n\nIs when a hand appeared over the top of the cliff, followed by a guy who sat down and anchored his rope for his three buddies to climb with. \n\nThey coiled their rope, packed up their equipment, and headed down the path, running. \n\nWhat was left of our pride vanished when we next found the Ford T that somebody had driven up to the top in 1923... \n", |
|
"from": "limbo@IJustGotFired.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I use to think a whole lot. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night because I would be up pondering the meaning of life, what happened once humans died, refining my atheist views and such. That all stopped once I started smoking weed. What a beautiful drug \n", |
|
"from": "thor1825@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Drunk at a bar one night, I go take a piss. The guy at the uranal next to me was \"looking\". I think to myself \"Damn doesn't he know the eyes forward rule?\" I lean in closer to the uranal to block his view only to look down and find myself pissing all over the \"OUT OF ORDER\" sign and it in turn splashing down onto my shoes. \n", |
|
"from": "bulimits@swbell.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Visiting Scotland, my brother-in-law (BIL) wants to take me out to \"The Cricket Club.\" \n\nMy sister and he are very mysterious about the place -- won't tell me anything about it other than I will certainly have a good time, and no, women are not allowed. \n\nMy sister drives us over to a house in the country, and promply leaves. BIL leads me around the house and literally down the garden path. \n\nTo a 6'x9' potting shed, with room for about two people. \n\n'Cept there are already six guys in there. We squeeze in and join them. \n\nWe sit there, drinking too much whisky and far too much beer, with an old tea chest for a table, and swap the raunchiest stories I've ever heard. \n\nBIL looks a little nervous to have me hear just how often he's screwed around on my sister. \n\nWhrn we run out of booze, BIL and I stumble the three miles home. \n\nThe house is locked, and dead-bolted from the inside. \n\nBIL: \"Damn -- oh well, I guess it's the garage for me tonight again.\" \n\nMe: \"No it's not! I'll get my wife up and she'll let us in.\" \n\nBIL: \"She'd DO that?\" \n\nI throw a pebble at our guestroom window. My wife promptly opens the front door, smiling. \n\nBIL, in awe: \"You should keep that one.\" \n", |
|
"from": "limboo@IJustGotFired.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The human body is incredibly resiliant. I discovered this firsthand when I was 16 after the cucumber I was practicing deep throating on broke in half while it was in my throat and I had to swallow a 4 inch chunk of cucumber or die. I lived, but my mom demanded to know what had happened to the cucumber she was saving for the salad. To this day I hate vegetables, but my mother believes her darling son can't get enough of them \n", |
|
"from": "PhatCheops@blowsgoats.cockmaster" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "There's a point in your life where the phrase \"Oh you look so cute... i could just eat you\" COMPLETELY CHANGES! \n", |
|
"from": "MyCatsA@whore.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I've fallen a long way since my NY socialite-schmoozing heyday, but I still sometimes get invitations from people who don't realize that I'm supposed to be \"out-of-the-loop.\" \n\nAs soon as I walk in, the hostess realizes she made a mistake. She stutters: \"And your dear wife Annie?\" \n\nMe: \"Divorced a long time ago. She's up in Ithaca, still playing the 'victim' for all it's worth. But I'm just delighted to see you again!\" \n\nFake waxy kiss on both cheeks, and she nervously sits me at the enormous dinner table with all the enormous stuffed shirts. I'm free-falling, having a complete field day. The sommelier comes around and I order a beer with no glass: \"I much prefer it that way.\" Way too much fun. \n\nLady next to me is on the commision in charge of rebuilding Ground Zero, whooop-de-do. I'm supposed to be in awe or something. I let her prattle on for a while about \"solemn monuments.\" \n\nMe: \"Nonsense. You need commercial space there or the whole area is dead. Besides, we'd look like wimps. The Towers just have to be rebuilt, exactly as they were, just 911 feet higher.\" \n\nShe, scathingly: \"Eh, I admire your sentiment, but realistically, nobody would rent space there.\" \n\nMe: \"Of course they would, after the UN moved in. I hear they're looking for more space.\" \n\nShut her up. That's for sure... \n", |
|
"from": "LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "She was the kind of girl who put on make-up to go jogging. \nShe asked how I met him. \n\nI told her I was too sleepy to get dressed, and there was construction in the backyard, so I had to take my dog for a walk. \n\nWearing yellow flannel penguin jammies and chunky black glasses. Oh and my hair was in a bun. \n\nShe hates me. \n", |
|
"from": "Duchessfny@mail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Remember the urinals in elementary school? How they went all the way down to the floor? \n\nI was in fifth grade. I walked into the bathroom to see a preschooler (or maybe kindergarten, but no older) dancing in the urinal, flushing repeatedly with his pants around his ankles, singing that song that goes \"Bad boys, bad boys, they make me feel so good..\" \n\nThat song haunts me horribly now. \n", |
|
"from": "eraserhead@snet.net" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was on my way to class and I saw a guy riding a bike with crutches in one hand. Mystified as to how he could ride a bike and require said crutches, I glanced at his feet. Or rather, foot. The other one was missing. \n", |
|
"from": "girlsetsfire15@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "The other day (while peacefully living in my perfect suburbia) I saw the most thorough Goth I have ever seen. This guy had knee high boots, tights and a full length cape, all black, of course. A suburban Goth? This is one of the wealthiest areas in one of the wealthiest counties in the country. What kind of teen angst could possibly be born in such a happy sterile place? \nKnowing the kids around here, he probably had a brand new Mercedes. \n\nIn suburbia, teen angst is total bullshit. \n", |
|
"from": "kell_h0und@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "I was in primary school and the girl sitting next to me dropped her piece of paper on the ground. \nI tried to be a gentleman and bent down to pick it up for her. \n\nShe unfortunately also bent down to pick it up and somehow when she was getting back up she managed to drag the piece of paper across my eye. \n\nSo next time you get an ordinary paper cut on your finger shut your fucking winging \n", |
|
"from": "nolife@all.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "Occasion: Eugene's 30th birthday party, attended not by myself, but by some of my associates. Also present, Midlfe and Neil among others. \n\nLocation: The Red Gables Tavern. \n\nThe moment: After the consumption of many beers a few games of pool are in order. The boys play for a while, drinking all the while. Eugene has control of a game and has only the vblack to go. An easy shot, straight to the corner pocket. Being intoxicated Midlife decides to put him off as he lines up the balls. Thus he turns around, drops his trou and plants his spreading hairy ass cheeks on the corner of the table. Eugene, not perterbed in the slightest changes the grip on the cue to a stabbing one to teach Midlife a small lesson about turning your naked ass on a man holding a stick. \n\nThe first that Neil heard of this was when a concerned Eugene slided up to him at the bar asking if he was sober enough to drive. He was and was asked to take Midlife to the hospital. Puzzeld he was about to ask why when he spies midlife walking across the floor clutching his ass, walking like a saddle sore cowboy. \n\n\"There's blood coming out of my ass!\" he provides by way of explanation. Truns out that Euge hit him squarely in the asshole with the cue and lost a good 6 inches inside him, rupturing something in the process. \n\nThey shoot down to emergency and when asked the nature of his condition he replied with \"You're not going to belive this one.\" \n\nHe was unlucky though. Ruptured 3 inches of rectum and split his sphincter muscle in half. As of this moment it hasn't healed and the result may be that he is fitted with a colostomy bag for the rest of his days. \n\nNaturally Neil went back to the bar and they kept going. They had to abandon the cue though after one of them complained that the end now smelled like shit. \n\nMidlife might get in a medical journal or something. The docators had never seen a sphincter so perfectly cleaved.... \n", |
|
"from": "Geth@hotmail.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "If a fast food restaurant was right next door to a liposuction clinic, would *you* eat the fries? \n", |
|
"from": "eeew@eeew.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
|
"text": "My family was on a trip to N'awlins. I was drinking a Mountain Dew and my brother was attempting to make me laugh and thus choke on the Dew. After a few minutes of jokes and whatnot it works. I am gonna hurl bigtime. First some Dew comes out as I run towards the bathroom. I don't make it and i end up spewing in the sink. I pass out and when i wake up my bro is standing over me saying \n\n\"Dude you just had a seizure.\" \n\nThanks John, thanks a lot. \n", |
|
"from": "runnshootcenter73@yahoo.com" |
|
}, |
|
{ |
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"text": "mt hood, #2. \nfive of us chipped in and got a keg. since no-one had a house or camper, we carried it off into the woods and then went looking for some couches and whatnot. \n\nfound plenty, some on porches. took them. set up a living room in a clearing. \n\nonce we got good and drunk, the keg was still heavy, so we went off in search of some camp kids to make our money on the keg back. \n\ncharged the little fuckers 10$ a cup. \n\nno free refills. \n\nthey paid. \n\nwoke up the next morning on a couch, in the middle of a national forest. one friend was sleeping against a tree. \n\nthere were 20-30 teenagers laying in the dirt, most in a pool of vomit. \n\nwe finished the keg the next night. \n", |
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"from": "xxx@mntrs.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "Internet Dating (a true story) \n\nso i had put up a personal ad (and being the cheap bastard i am, i didn't pay for any credits to email anyone)....eventually i get some responses, and one of them intrigues me....so we email back and forth for a while and eventually she sends me some pics \n\nglamour shots \n\njesus, who sends glamour shots first? \n\nneedless to say, there was much doubt regarding whether the woman in the picture was actually the woman i was emailing \n\nthen another thought hit me.... \n\nis it a woman? \n\nso we talk on the phone (it IS a woman....whew!) and decide to have our first date....it went well, she was very attractive, we had a good time, good conversation..... \n\nso for our second date, we go out to dinner and go to her friends place for drinks, later that night she tells me.... \n\n\"stay here tonight, my friend said we could sleep in the spare bedroom\" \n\nsleep? \n\n\"i can't....i want to, but i can't, i have to get home to the dog....why don't you come back to my place?\" \n\n\"ok\".....(sweet) \n\nso, on the way to my place, the plan is to let the dog out, then go downtown to the 24 sex shop so she can buy her favorite massage oil.... \n\nshe wanted to give me a massage (sweet, sweet) \n\nshe comes out of the shop with a paper bag, opens it and reveals the massage oil, then pulls out a penthouse letters magazine \n\n\"i wanted to read you a bedtime story\".....(oh sweet, sweet jesus) \n\nback at my place, lights out, music on, and candles burning, she begins giving me a massage \n\nmy top comes off.... \n\nher top comes off.... \n\nshe rubs massage oil all over her humongous tits (or rather, as she referred to them, her \"molten globes of saline\").... \n\nshe gives me some head, but i cut her short, not wanting to waste the moment, and tell her i want to reciprocate....lay her down on the couch, throwing the paper bag out of the way.... \n\ntake off her pants.... \n\nher panties.... \n\nthen slide up to give her a kiss \n\n\"god, you're making me hot\" she says.... \n\nthen, at that moment, as she said that, off to my right, in my peripheral vision, i can see the room brighten \n\n*thinking*....\"yeah, its gettin' hot alright\" \n\nthen turn to look.... \n\nthe paper bag i had thrown off the couch from before, had rested next to the candle and had ignited.... \n\ni now have 3 foot flames rising off my coffee table at 4 o'clock in the morning \n\n\"OH SHIT!\" \n\nso, completely naked, with a raging hard on, i jump off the couch \n\ni can see that only one side of the bag is on fire, the other side had yet to catch.... \n\nso i thought i could just grab the bag and snuff it out in my hands.... \n\ndidn't think about the massage oil all over my hands though.... \n\nthe words \"searing\" and \"flesh\" instantaneously flash into my brain as i grab the bag and immediately toss it up and away from me \n\nso, now, i'm completely naked, my cock is flailing about, bits of flaming paper and ash are raining down around us, and i'm juggling a flaming paper bag with oily hands....at 4 AM \n\neventually, i get it into the kitchen and dump some water on it....it goes out....no sooner had it gone out, when the smoke alarm starts ringing in my apartment....\"oh jesus, no\" \n\ni rip the alarm off the wall and pull out the battery.....i fall to my hands and knees, well, elbows and knees (i have 2nd and 3rd degree burns on my hands at this point) and begin laughing.... \n\nthe first thing she says.... \n\n\"so, when i said you were making me hot....\" \n\nthen \n\n\"did that just totally kill the mood?\" \n\n\"nah, no, NO....you can't top this shit!\" \n\nso, with blisters all over my hands, we continue where we left off, i didn't skip a beat... \n\nalthough its really hard to have sex when you have to prop yourself up on your elbows, but it had to be done.... \n\nthere was no way i was going to end up like that guy in the PG-13 movie that everybody's really hoping that it's going to happen for him.... \n\nno fucking way \n", |
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"from": "nw_boy_toy@yahoo.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "\"Hey, so what are your plans for Easter?\" \n\nI grin in anticipation, I know what's coming. \n\n\"Easter...hmmm. Isn't that when Jesus comes out of his cave, and if he sees his shadow we get three more weeks of winter?\" \n\n\"You're going to hell.\" \n\nIndeed. \n", |
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"from": "radiomonkey14@hotmail.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": " was at my friend's sister's highschool graduation. She was showing me where the bathroom was in the middle of the ceramony. When we went back outside we ran into one of her old friends. He was quite a large fellow who I had never met. \nHer: Chris! Great to see you! You look quite a bit more substantial! \n\nHim: Uh... thanks. \n\nHer: Well... (realizes what she just said) it means you're happy with your girlfriend! \n\nHim: She dumped me. \n\nMe: Hon, if you'd like to shove a third foot in your mouth, I'd be happy to lend you one of mine! \n", |
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"from": "Nope@YouNotGettinIt.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "My friend Amy and I are obsessed with Harry Potter. \nWe got drunk one night, and I confessed that I used to write erotic fiction. She dared me to write one about Harry Potter. \n\nI did, too. It was hilarious. Harry and Snape and Ron and Draco all getting in on it. \n\nThen she saved the AIM, and her friend found it. \n\nI have never lived it down. My boyfriend still makes jokes about \"Snape-fic\". \n\n~puck~ \n", |
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"from": "princess_zelda23@hotmail.com" |
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}, |
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{ |
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"text": "I was in German class when I misheard someone. They said something and I heard a different word. \n\nThe word I heard made no sense except as a totally random and stupid insult, like saying bitchnuts or assqueen or something. \n\nI started laughing my ass off at the craziness of it and everyone stared at me. \n\nThen the mental image that the word in question described hit me and my laughter was replaced by groans of disgust. \n\nThe word I thought was said was, \n\n\"Penis-eyes\" \n", |
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"from": "jimmy@jim.com" |
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} |
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] |
